Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

Skin crawling from daughter touching her? How do people with such sensory issues have sex because that involves a lot of touching and holding?

It baffles me why you can’t understand that this child is most likely being overly affectionate because she isn’t getting that affection from the one person she wants it from.

Of course none of us are perfect parents, but most can meet their basic emotional and physical needs - the OP is sadly not able to do that.

I don't think it's that unusual for 11 yo and older to struggle a bit with thinking ahead about consequences. My DDs (15&16 and both NT) are very cuddly and being asked for a cuddle 8 times in an hour would be within normal variation here. If I'm busy they get told to think about what I'm doing and ask because they touch me. Then when they ask they get a long cuddle (following the Disney rules above). When sitting next to each other I'd always be cuddling one or both of them. DS is officially less keen on cuddles but he's always wanting to have playfights and holds my hands or drapes himself over me whole watching TV. So he gets as much physical contact, just disguised as less affectionate.

I think it sounds like you need to cuddle her more, maybe once an hour for a good hug that satisfies her. Would that help you if they were timed? With her brother there will probably be an element of playfighting. How upset is he when she is stopped from cuddling? If he's cheerful pretty soon afterwards I'd not worry too much, if he doesn't like it then you need to intervene and get her to stop.

FWIW if you are showing her lots of affectionate in other ways she'll be fine. I grew up in rural Scotland, people are old fashioned and historically didn't show .uch physical affection. But we always knew we were very loved.

Consensually.

I don’t think I’ve ever hugged my mum! 😂

I don’t hug my teen DD either.

It sometimes makes me feel like I’m in the wrong but then I have to remind myself that she’s not physically affectionate and forcing her to hug would be unfair to her.

I completely get where you’re coming from.

Its likely that she too is ND but just the opposite of you.

I used to work with an autistic girl who liked hugs and it was honestly relentless.
No amount of physical affection was ever enough!

I would just keep reinforcing boundaries and asking for a hug.
Its not good if she’s hugging you when you are cooking or carrying something hot.

If she can learn to ask for additional hugs then you can tell her that you can’t right now as you are cooking etc.

I’d have a routine of giving hugs at certain times eg before leaving the house and then try and get her to ask for additional ones.

You could also do things like snuggle on the sofa on a movie night.

I do think you should keep in mind that it’s likely she’s ND.

Does she have any pets?

I don't give a flying wingnut whether you feel empathy towards me as a child or not, that's entirely irrelevant to both of us - the potential consequences of not being hugged/deprived of touch, though, can be very relevant to a current situation with an adolescent girl whose mother says she makes her skin crawl.

@SaltySallyAnne it baffles me that you’re so sure you’re right about everything based on a post on mumsnet 😂 you’re just assuming everything because it doesn’t feel ‘normal’ to YOU, or because it’s pulling on your emotional heart strings. 🎻 OP is not denying her child any physical touch she is saying she finds the amount her daughter wants a bit much sometimes. Those are 2 completely different things, now maybe the thought of not wanting to hug your child ever is abhorrent to you but people are all different!

I like how a lot of you have really zoned in on the skin crawling comment, but not actually put it into context. Your saying that she makes me skin crawl, not the act of her running at me making gross kissing noises that makes my skin crawl. A lot of you are twisting what I’m saying to suit your narrative which is really pathetic.

I haven't read the full thread but I think OP is getting a little bit of a hard time here.

For people commenting I think it's difficult to understand what growing up in an environment with no physical contact feels like. My mum and dad have never hugged me once in my life.

I have a 6 year old who is an extremely huggy child and sometimes it is really too much bit I know how important it is and do "suck it up" sometimes.

But I also try to set boundaries with her and explain that you shouldn't hug people who don't want to be hugged.

I think there is a middle ground here of giving her more physical contact which she seems to need but also letting her know that her behaviour with her brother is not acceptable. Eleven is old enough to understand this.

Yes, nasty people. She’s giving her child affection. Hugs are not the only way to show affection.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Oh, you know me and about my childhood, then? Or didn't you think before you dismissed how a child who feels deprived of loving physical contact might respond to the first person who comes along that doesn't recoil or ration it to a duty hug four times a day?

Well this post makes it seem as if you do want people to understand/empathise. For what it’s worth I do empathise with your childhood (not that you give a flying wingnut, I know.) But I empathise with OP as well.

She is 11, not a small child. Op says ‘She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no.’ Do you think she is being cruel for telling her off because her daughter wants to kiss the toddler? Or should her daughter learn that people have boundaries and she needs to respect them?

I hug my 13 yo ds about 1 million times a day.

It used to be closer to 10 million so I've really pulled back as he's grown.

She is denying physical touch. She is rationing it. She is not providing the amount of touch her child wants, which isn’t an abnormal amount either

Some people do not understand ND.

And some posters will do anything to twist things around to attack the OP.

You have not said that you refuse to hug your child.

Your child is just over the top when it comes to physical affection and you are struggling with it, which anyone would be.

Perhaps if it was their DH constantly trying to kiss and hug them whilst they were trying to get ready or cook etc they would understand a bit more.

None of My family ever hugged me and it still makes me sad how unwanted I always felt.

My thoughts too, the input gives her something she's after, hugs aren't just affection and touch they're also tight and can give pressure.

I have 3 Autsitc kids @Nezuko22 and am very firm on siblings, no touching or hugging if they don't want it. No means no in our house. However I do give hugs when I'd rather not. All touched out, lots of sensory issues and could happily not be touched by anyone ever again. You could try something like a weighed blanket with her, wrap her in it then hug, it's less touch input for you, more pressure for her. Two of my DC like having teddies or toys piled on them, gives attention and input without actually touching. Being rolled up in a blanket and hugged them you roll them backwards and forwards. These aren't things I use to avoid hugs, but things my DC like that give them similar types of sensory input. LO could help you get things to put on her if she likes this, make it a game.

Nothing said by OP so far has suggested affection. Just obligation.
Some of the comments may seem harsh but if it prevents her repeating the pattern of duty hugs with her toddler then it will be worth it.

Do you never say no to your kids?

It’s the way her child wants to be shown affection.

as a parent your child’s needs come first

really not rocket science

Of course. But I can safely say I’ve never said no to cuddles, affection or love.

My daughter will never have the feeling that her mum doesn’t want to cuddle her. She will never sit and wonder or worry that she makes my skin crawl.

I don't know what's "normal," and doubt there is such, but my DS aged 11 and I hug about 4 times a day. That's on a school day, i.e. we're apart most of the day. On a weekend it's probably a lot more (I'd not thought about it until reading this post).

We also lie in a cuddle watching tv and I read to him at bedtime, also in a cuddle.

I think I'd find it really annoying if he ran at me continually making kissing sounds. I would probably assume it was code for wanting more affection or listening/engaging, though, too.

It sounds a bit like the regression some 10 year olds go through when they start talking in baby noises. Isn't there a name for it? Perhaps due to being at an age of transition, being a bit scared of growing up and the next stage of distancing from parents, so wanting more affection and babying?

@SaltySallyAnne

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times.

I dont think 15 times in 2 hours is a ‘normal amount.’ My middle daughter is extremely cuddly and loves kisses and probably asks me 4/5 times a day for a cuddle/kiss. Coupled with the fact this is not OP’s experience as a child/adult with affection and she struggles it’s hardly hard to see why she’s finding it difficult to navigate. She loves her daughter and is already making time to give her the affection she needs. You just really need to stop being so judgmental and making it out to be catastrophic.

I have a sensory seeking hugger too and I sympathise @Nezuko22 I am very touch tolerant but sometimes I get pushed past my ability to regulate, and it must be very hard if you’re touch avoidant to start with.

In dd’s case, I was a sling wearing, co-sleeper and she’s had enormous amounts of affection over the years. She’s 15 now It’s definitely not a lack of touch driving this. But when things are difficult her need for mum hugs ramps up, to the point where she’s under my feet everytime I turn around, between me and whatever I’m reaching for, or hovering at the bathroom door when I’m gone for a pee.

I try and give her focused attention and time together in other ways - sitting together watching a show, doing some deep pressure activity together (calisthenics is a current favourite). I would seriously consider getting her.a dog but that’s not an option with my other dc.

Have you got a good “sensory diet” worked out for yourself? The better regulated you are, the higher your resilience will be. Reduce as many other sensory pressures as possible. If you can afford it, or access it, a joint session with an occupational therapist could be very helpful.

Luckily she does hug her then, just not constantly! It’s not rocket science to realise there can be a middle ground between absolutely no hugs ever and constant hugs, especially if someone has a disability which makes hugging difficult for them.