Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

I wonder if hugging isnt the only thing lacking here given you say you can't imagine hugging your own mum. That's really not a typical attitude to have.
Gaming with your daughter is nice enough in itself but it's no replacement for physical affection.
You haven't really answered the posters who've asked whether the hugs you do give your daughter are a perfunctory squeeze, or a more lasting snuggly cuddle? She may actually never be getting the sort of cuddle she wants, and if those cuddles are how she feels loved and cared for it may make her feel unloved.

I’m not making a ‘massive leap’, I’m making a reasonable assumption from what information is given. Excessive physical affection (which looking for heavy handed hugs 15 times in two hours is) can be a trait of sensory seeking, not just devoid of affection from a parent who finds it oppositional to their own sensory processing disorder.

Her mums’ feelings matter too, and constant hugging is too much for her.

She wouldn’t be forcing it on people if she was content at home.

You deciding she gets plenty of attention doesn’t mean much, as clearly it’s either not enough or not the right kind of attention/the attention she wants from you.

The type of hug depends on the circumstance. If I’m aware of the hug it’s a long snuggly one. But often she will sneak up behind me, or grab while I’m cooking or carrying stuff so it’s not really a hug more of a me standing there waiting for her to let me go.

Do you hug her back if she sneaks up on you?

When we had DD (my husband has ASD) we implemented a Disney hug rule. At Disney the cast members are trained that if a child comes up to them and hugs them, they never let go first. We always do the same for DD, we never end a hug, it’s on her terms when she is ‘ready’ to end the hug.

Might be something you could try and do?

I agree with PPs, that you daughter seems to have picked up that hugs are a little bit in short supply and needs more of it.

Somebody needs to give her the hugs that you can't. I understand why you can't but it needs to be met elsewhere.

I say this as someone with a mum who didn't do warmth and while I love her dearly and forgive her 100%, I certainly spent my teens and twenties looking for that warmth and validation in less safe places.

OP you should probably post this on the SEN forum. You are unlikely to get understanding here judging by some of the responses so far.

I’d be there till the end of time 🤣

Indo hug her back if I can, but like I said sometimes I’m in the middle of doing stuff and my hands are full etc.

Op said her skin crawls.

That's not what she said is it? She doesnt want to hug her constantly theres a big difference. If your an affectionate person you wont understand what it's like to have it forced upon you by someone you really love

Shes autistic? She cant help the way it makes her feel and she has also said she still hugs and kisses her daughter, just not as much as the daughter would like

Shes 11, its excessive to want to be hugged and kissed so much at that age

The op is autistic with sensory overload. She was very clear about that in the opening post, what do you think the effects of sensory overload is for an autistic person?

Both my DC have weighted blankets.
DS is has quite a high need to deep sensory input and likes lots of hugs. More than I would normally give now he is not a small child. I am happy to hug him if he asks but not be rugby tackled for a hug. Weighted blanket gives the sensory input, eg when watching TV or gaming, because I cannot sit there the whole time.
DD also more huggy than me but has her weighted blanket more for sleep.

I sit and hug/hold my ND DS9 for about 2 hours a day.

It is just an arm round him while sitting on the sofa type hug, plus arm round him (over duvet) if he's struggling to sleep.
The contact really helps him regulate.

There are three possibilities here:-

1. She is autistic and is sensory seeking
2. She is desperate for cuddles as it is something she feels she has been denied at some level
3. She is just a very huggy person who is a bit slow in figuring out personal boundaries.

I don’t think that it is possible for us to work out which it is.

If it is (1) then weighted blankets etc would probably help. If (2) or (3) then she just needs more hugs. It might be easier if you can figure what type of cuddle you like the most (or dislike the least) and try and offer those lots. If it is (2) then after three lots of “come and sit on the sofa and have a cuddle while we watch tv” she will probably get fed up of it and refuse. Kids are contrary little buggers!

This is possibly the most sensible post on this thread. Three very reasonable points and possible solutions.

I’m pretty sure it’s 3. I have no other concerns about her being autistic and school don’t either. I’ve asked her before why she wants to hug so much, does she not feel loved and she just says she likes hugs. I’ve explained that I don’t like them as much as she does but maybe we can meet in the middle. But she absolutely can not be forcing her brother into hugs and kisses when he’s literally screaming no.

Hi. Thoughts are:

She is on the spectrum and not picking up social cues about appropriate behaviour. My asd daughter can come across as extremely friendly and chatty but actually it is too friendly and chatty - she doesn't have the instinctive understanding of where to pitch it and instead she notices behaviours that seem to be rewarded and applies them, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

It can demonstrate sensory seeking - get hold of a book like 'the out of synch child'. Some people hate touch (me!) while others crave it. You can calm their nervous system with exercises.

The last one I'm hesitant to mention, but does she have a trauma background? Adopted, taken away at birth for long term medical treatment, long hospital stays in early childhood? This can appear as a child who needs to be in control of everything, and that includes things like cuddles. They know you don't like it, won't let you initiate it, and make you feel kind of icky as it's all so over the top and inauthentic. If this sounds remotely possible, best to seek a Camhs referral.

Oh that's really really sad

Do you know what it's like? Being autistic and people touching you when you're overwhelmed?

It's like being harassed, and not being allowed to scream for help.

Sometimes it's like being sexually harassed especially if you've got little ones that like to be close to your breasts by putting their head on them or their hand.

I think your skin would crawl if it felt like you were being harassed.

It is like repeatedly being harassed, being traumatised, repeatedly having to ignore your own needs and boundaries, developing cPTSD, and then being judged for being a "bad parent".

Being snook up on and pounced on is so dysregulating. For some reason it's accepted that autistic children have meltdowns, but if an autistic adult does, or shouts, or has an involuntary reaction to stress, then they're demonised.

Nobody likes hearing about what life feels like for autistic adults, especially autistic parents, and it really shows on mumsnet just how little understanding some fully formed humans have about it, and even less tolerance.

The OP needs predictability, and she'd probably enjoy hugging her daughter a lot more if it felt within her control and like her own body and boundaries were being respected. It's hard to judge but it is also probably not her daughters fault she needs this sensory feedback and emotional closeness but I think we can acknowledge that without demonising the OPs actual lived experience of how her autism affects her as a parent.

Honestly? Constantly when together. If I'm not cuddling one, they're sitting on my knee, holding my hand, I'm stroking their hair or giving them a kiss on the head. I never pass one without a small touch.

I think the problem might not be frequency but your daughter feeling that you don't like it and want to pull away.

Some of you are being so unnecessarily harsh on OP. So you’ve had mothers who hugged and loved you and now you feel comfortable doing that with your children… Great! That doesn’t make you a superior mother, you might be shit in other ways! Maybe OP is a much better listener when her daughter has a problem, or much funnier when she dances with her round the kitchen, or much more fun and spontaneous when she says let’s go to the cinema on a rainy Monday. Op can’t imagine hugging her mother (her & I have that in common) so clearly affection is something she was not used to as a child, very difficult to teach yourself that as an adult. Impossible even, to do it without feeling like you are ‘acting.’ OP clearly loves her daughter, so piss off with your whiny ‘She must be sooo sad, it reminds me of a kid stealing lunches.’ Ffs, get a grip of yourselves. She loves her kid who seemingly is very affectionate which is going to be difficult to navigate for OP when it does not come naturally.

@Nezuko22 a few things I would recommend, but you might've tried them all before of course.

Constant chats about personal space and asking for permission/a hug. Try and say yes as much as you can when she does ask, and act startled (I'm sure at times that's a normal reaction anyway) and say "not now love I'm doing x" and explain later why it's possibly unsafe /not a good idea. Just keep doing this again and again, while reinforcing the idea that by asking she actually does get the hugs she wants.

Firmer line with her brother. As soon as he says no, she stopsIf not, One warning/reminder , then consequence.

Try various other ways (that you can cope with ) to promote closeness/touch. Play with her hair/scratch her head/brush your fingers through her hair. Rub her legs/feet. Scratch her back. You can snuggle up to watch something on telly, or be in bed together while she reads to you, or watching YouTube videos.

I’m so sorry you went through that