Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

obv she has to learn boundaries

but are you giving her proper cuddles? Is she looking for more because it’s just a quick hug that she gets?

I’m lucky that my mum is as huggy as I am but honestly it’s going to be tough on me when she’s gone.

Did you pull your best Princess Di Bambi eyes when writing that out

Do you still hug your mum now as an adult?

Have you read the op about how much she is wanting hugs and how intense/strong they are? I don’t know any typical 11 year olds who act like that. Consent is really important.

At 11, surely she should have an understanding of other people having boundaries - pinning a toddler down is not OK.
Are there any areas/people in her life where her boundaries are not respected? - and how do you know that she's not going to walk up to some random stranger and start hugging or kissing them?

I think you just have to put a brave face on it and give her the physical affection she needs. It won't last forever, soon enough she'll be treating you like a pile of radioactive waste!

Seriously - this is one of those situations where you need to put her needs ahead of your own. It's difficult if you're not naturally cuddly, but it's too important not to persevere. I'm ND myself and found various aspects of parenting small children challenging, but you have to prioritise their healthy development during these formative years. Try to build in some regular breaks so you can recharge yourself when you feel touched out.

Not that I know of. She knows she doesn’t have to hug or kiss grand parents if she doesn’t want to. I try to do other things with her but she rarely wants to. She likes hanging out in her room on FaceTime to her friends and playing roblox with them. We do game together every so often and watch tv together and I’m taking her out on a girl date on Thursday after school for dinner and a movie. I’m bot a horrible cold mother. I just can’t be dealing with excessive smothering hundreds of times a day when I also have a toddler to wrangle.

I still get cuddles off my mum now and I’m in my 30s, some people are just really physically affectionate. I know this seems like a stupid question but how long are the hugs? Do you sit and cuddle together watching a movie/cuddle up and read together etc? I wouldn’t class a quick hug goodbye as meaningful physical affection for example.

Regular talks about consent and boundaries should help, hopefully you can pin point what needs aren’t being met, have you tried having a conversation with her?

For arguments sake let's say you're right. It doesn't mean the girl does not need help no? I still don't think it's about lack of physical affection (OP is very aware about her condition and her feelings and her DD's needs) but rather an excessive need of affection to the point where she does not respect other people.
For those who tell OP to just go ahead and hug her DD all the time this can be very counterproductive for the girl. And OP has not chosen to be autistic, she's doing the best she can. My DS would not be able to hug because it actually hurts him. He says it's like someone hitting him. People need to be more aware about the condition before jumping to conclusions.

Unless OPs child is also autistic.

Being socially deficit, not understanding social rules or boundaries, not being able to read emotions, struggling to make or maintain relationships and friendships, insisting on sameness, being a proprioceptive sensory seeker, this being displayed in multiple settings, a genetic component, and not to our knowledge explainable by any other condition.

Everything the OP has described ticks a lot of boxes.

The OP needs visual aids, repetition, routine and strong boundaries. The routine can include many many hugs, but also needs to focus on boundaries.

No I don’t even do that with my husband. She likes having her played with though and I don’t mind that so if watching tv she will sit between my knees and I’ll build rollercoaster tracks out of her hair with clips etc then take a Polaroid pic for her to add to our wall. I also like having my hair played with so she will do the same to me.

Yes. We are both very huggy. We sit and chat on the sofa and have an arm around each other.

You need to accept that your view on this is very much outside the realm of normal.

many adults still hug their mothers. I am nearly 40 and when visiting my mum we hug a lot, cuddle on the sofa whilst catching up.

Your DD is trying to seek affection from anyone and everyone because she doesn’t get it from you. How do you not understand that basic fact? And soon she will do the same from boys/men (if straight)

Do you initiate the hugs you do give? Perhaps one parent-initiated hug is worth 10 child-initiated ones?

I do understand though op, my skin can crawl when I'm hugged in the wrong way or too much. I try to breathe through it mostly but it can get all too much and I'll have to take myself off for a bit.

I'm autistic and sometimes need some space but I always make time to sit my ds on my lap and we have cuddles multiple times a day. You just have to grin through it for the sake of your child. She needs that stimulation and it's clear she's quite desperate for it.

Your comfort is not as important as your child's needs, and she sounds desperate for physical touch.

You're really telling another poster off for suggesting something and 'not having enough insight', but then making the absolutely MASSIVE FUCKING JUMP that OPs daughter must be ND because OP is??? Even though OP has not indicated or said this at any point?

Do you perhaps see the contradiction there?

I couldn’t imagine hugging my mum tbh.

And you’re acting like I keep my child locked in a stone dungeon. She gets plenty of affection. Not just hugs but in other ways too. I don’t think at her age she should be trying to force it on people.

Good god make time and effort to sit and cuddle up with your dd. She wants affection from her mum, please give it to her.

Yes!

You need to give your daughter more hugs.

Op, what's your family circumstances?

Is your daughter also autistic? She reminds me of a lovely autistic child I know who loved to hug others including strangers. As she was 11 and developing it was becoming incredibly inappropriate and I can imagine her mum must've been stressed and exhausted.

But this is a problem that needs tackling. If she is trying to hug kids at school and they're making fun of her, it makes me think she may be on the spectrum?

Is your husband close and affectionate with her? There's a big age gap, is this a blended family situation? Maybe she's jealous of the bond you have with your toddler?

We need more info I think ❤️

I'm sure you're doing your best as a mum. Mines 5 and she comes into bed with me every night. I can't see an end in sight 😄 but I've just accepted it now. That said, I don't have a husband or more children.

Some of the comments are right though op - as someone who's survived some awful men and friendships due to just wanting love, her needs need to be met and this hugging resolved. Xx

If she can't get what she needs from you, she will absolutely try to get her needs met by other people. Children do that. It is a very common cause of teenage pregnancy and unhealthy relationships, I'm afraid.

You need to rise to the challenge and give her more physical affection. We all have areas of parenting that we find challenging (especially those of us with ASD) but it's the job - you have to meet her emotional needs.

Setting timers on a hug - I'm sure that'll make the poor girl feel loved and not like hugging her is a chore at all!

Sorry OP, but 3 hugs a day isn't 'multiple' hugs a day, and I would imagine that a couple of them would be quite quick (trying to get out to leave etc).

I think you're going to have to suck it up and be more huggy. Once your DD feels like she's getting the affection she needs she might just naturally back off with it. Or at least she'll probably grow out of it in a couple of years.

I'd also add that if she thinks her brother is getting a lot of physical affection she's not that might also be driving the intensity with which she's seeking the contact.

Ofcourse you're not a horrible mother ! Please just skip those comments. It's great what you do on thursdays and playing with her hair counts as physical contact as well. The problem is your daughter's lack of respect (understanding ?) of other people's limits and it would be great if she could be seen by a professional. My autistic DS has the same problem and we are working on that and his other problems with a psychologist.

If it's sensory then after a hug from you offer/redirect to some form of deep pressure/proprioceptive feedback e.g., body sock, hug vest, squashing with a therapy ball, heavy work etc. If she's mostly looking for affection then this won't meet the need but worth a try. When you do hug really give her a squeeze rather than a loose hug too.