Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

I hug her before she leaves for school, when I get home from work and before bed. She’s not starved of affection.

Of course I’m still the same person I was when I was two. Who else would I be?

And now we’re suggesting a very possibly autistic girl is going to get groomed because her mum wasn’t hugging her 10 times an hour every day…. Do people genuinely not think before they post overly emotive bs like this?

An adult with the ability to see nuance in a situation? Possibly not though.

I get that you're autistic, but you're damaging your child. Not only does she not get enough physical affection, she knows you don't like it when she tries. Recipe for disaster.

The reason she seeks it out so much is probably because she didn't get enough as a younger child. Most 11 year olds aren't quite so physically needy. She's trying to make up for something missing in her emotional development and she's not getting it.

She could be sensory seeking as others have said. My DS wants more hugs than sometimes I can give and I'm NT.

A weighted blanket for her whilst you sit together on the sofa or a weighted toy might help.

I did end up giving DS a tummy rub the other day as I was just hugged out at the point he needed one.

Try doing some yoga together or "heavy work" such as push ups off a wall (meant to be good for sensory seekers).

As others have said ensuring there is quality time between you is also important.

And what do you know about the physical affection she had as a small child? Nothing.

I co slept with her until she was 3 ffs.

She doesn't want that. She wants a cuddle from her mother and not to be pushed away by the person she loves most in the world. She doesn't want hugs rationed and she doesn't want to do yoga or push ups.

OP grit your teeth and hug your daughter whenever she wants it. She won't be a little child much longer.

Just rationed.

@Nezuko22

I co slept with her until she was 3 ffs.

And what do you want now? For her to switch off her need to be physically close to you because she's not 3 anymore? She's a child and you're an adult. We do lots of shit we don't like as parents, so just cuddle her.

I'm an autistic parent to an autistic child with very different needs to me and this is something I struggle with a lot.

However, human contact and physical touch and comfort from a parent are very real needs that should be fulfilled and some children need significantly more than others.

It's been a huge source of guilt and stress and overwhelm for me and I've cried a lot about this. I am also the autistic child to an autistic parent who didn't cuddle me when I needed it, even though I needed it significantly less than my little boy, so I know the feeling of being rejected well.

We have laid the groundwork of teaching consent, with "that's my body and I've said no" or "that's my body and I am saying not right now".

Because as important as touch and comfort are to children letting them know they cannot cross people's boundaries especially if they are on the toucher side is very important too.

My little boy really looks forward to bedtime and morning time though as those 2 times are exclusively reserved for having big cuddles, for as long as it takes to sleep or to wake up steadily. Scheduling it in means that on the days where I am overwhelmed and dysregulated and struggling to stay on top of things he knows that he is loved.

If she understands the basics of disabilities you should explain mummy has a disability and it means sometimes she needs quiet, and no touching.

It could also help to wear a visual like the social battery badges, so she can see when you are open for cuddles and when you are not, and it reassures her that it's not her fault, and she's not responsible for fixing anything either.

Op, she does seem "clingy" tbh. My youngest DS 11 is very cuddly with me and I am so happy for that. I know it's not going to last:). Older DS autistic can't stand physical affection. I think you need to explain to your daughter what it means to be ND and how for you too much cuddle stresses you out but that doesn't mean you don't love her to bits. It's your sensory system that is saying stop.

What is important though is that she learns to respect other people and brother included. Consentment is something I have talked alot about with my boys and I think you ought to do the same. It goes for other towards her (for ex she's not obliged to hug or kiss anyone not even grandma if she does not want to do it) and also for her to respect other people's boundaries. My DS came home in a bad mood because 2 girls had held him so a third could kiss him. I talked to the teacher who did an intervention on consentment the day after which was really great.

Excessively affectionate in her opinion. I don't believe children can be excessively affectionate but my parents did not ration cuddles and nor did I.

It is excessive if she FORCES her 2 year old brother by pinning him down! She's 11. If it would have been an 11 y old boy I'm sure people would be less tolerant.

I’ve spoken to her about consent but it doesn’t seem to be going in. I know she’s had falling out with friends at school because she’s too cuddly and she’s tied picking them up. It’s such hard work.

Sensory seeker? any other ways to offload this?

Maybe something else physical like chasing she about, trampoline, squeezing things?

im guessing you don’t have a neurodiverse child 🤣

So maybe it's time to make an appointment for her with a child psychologist? It's really important that she learns not to push herself on to others. If she has had fallouts over this it means that she is 1. Not picking up social cues about acceptable behaviour or 2. She doesn't care about acceptable behaviour because if she wants to hug she will force it.

This might become even more problematic the older she gets so please get help for her. 🌻

I can't believe you think a child who wants a genuine cuddle is 'sensory seeking'. Her mum only hugs her before leaving the house and before bed, and im guessing even then it doesn't feel natural as mum doesn't like it. That is such a low level of love and affection for a child 😢😢😢
Nurture and affection are important, its not 'sensory seeking' ffs

My eldest (who is autistic) isn’t a generally ‘huggy’ child. However he absolutely can be excessive with his youngest sibling, who he absolutely adores. Similar age gap as the the OP’s children. I have another child who’s autistic who showed physical interaction by weighing heavily on me, often digging fingers or toes into me. It was as much of a comfort as a hug, was I withholding affection to not give in to that constantly?

Its her mum 😳😳 its pretty obvious this child desperately needs affection she isn't getting. Can't believe some of the responses on this thread, some people absolutely should not have children.

It’s pretty obvious you can’t fucking read.

It reminds me of children who go around stealing food from lunchboxes because they don't get enough food at home :-(

Excessive hugging is sensory seeking in many autistic individuals/children. If you don’t know anything about the condition (and since the op is autistic it is very likely her daughter is) then don’t suggest that getting help with possible sensory issues is some sort of ridiculous suggestion. You (and many others here) clearly have less insight into the situation as a whole.