Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

I think we could probably deduce the 15 hugs in 2 hours is because she keeps getting shrugged off.

And yes you are making massive leaps. Diagnosing neuro diversity left right and centre with minimal information whilst snapping at other posters. That's a dick move.

This is a tough one OP. Children need physical affection, but boundaries also need to be clear. If she is upsetting her friends and hurting her little brother then she is either not picking up on social cues with them, or picking them up but not really bothered that they are annoyed, so I would be thinking ND, when put together with her sensory seeking behaviour. There is a difference between seeking affection and seeking deep pressure.

My 9 year old is quite like your daughter I think, runs head first into me for what she calls a hug, but it more like a 'wrestle', I have burnt myself when she has dine it when I'm carrying hot food, and more than 1 glass has been broken. I will never refuse a request for a hug from her, or a snuggle when sitting on sofa, but it's these 'wrestles' that we struggle with. We have got into a system when she counts down 5,4,3,2,1 before she does it, she stamps her foot with each number, and that to some extent gets some of her energy out so when she gets to me it's not as forceful and I can be prepared - I have a bad back so can ready myself.
Can you try that, so she gets rhe hug but you get some warning?

Growing up was hugged a fair amount, but as i grew up i was hugged less and less. My dad is a very huggy person, but my mum isn’t, probably autistic as it seems to run in our family. They were both v busy and mum had spent years not really wanting to be hugged and i guess when i was about 14 she thought sod it. It was only when i had a cousin come to stay, and she hugged me so tight that i had a moment when i was like “oh when was the last time i was hugged?!”

anyway, im now in a long term relationship with a very serious looking 6 ft 4 guy who happens to love cuddling. I’m so much happier as a person!

I am the autistic DD of a non-huggy probably autistic DM. I wasn't very huggy as a child anyway so we were well matched in that way.
However, my oldest DD (27) still resents that I didn't hug her "enough" as a child and as an adult we hardly ever hug at all. Now I want to, so it feels like some kind of punishment and I'm really quite saddened by this.

Youngest DD is 17 and as I'd got more used to hugs with DDs 1 & 2 I could manage to hug her more often when she was younger - she also seemed to need it more (not 15 hugs an hour though!). Now she is a teenager it tends to be before she leaves for college on the morning, if she needs one when she gets home, at any point she seems like she is upset or needs comfort, and before bed (there might be two or three in the evening). They HAVE to be deep, long proper hugs, no tickly light pressure hugs or they aren't "right" (DDs conditions but it works for me too). Also she does enjoy her weighted blanket (though she doesn't use it very often).

I think it's not on for an 11 year old to force a toddler into hugs though, you're going to need to try to teach her about boundaries. Make sure she knows she is allowed boundaries as well so she can empathise.

My eldest DS used to do the aggressive cuddling thing with his younger brother. It was very difficult because his brother didn't like it but how do you tell someone off for cuddling?

I do think he was doing it partly to be annoying and partly because he genuinely wanted to cuddle. Eldest isn't diagnosed but he's adhd and his autism assessment is in a few weeks. Youngest is stereotypically autistic.

Maybe if you just return the cuddles and don't make it an issue, she'll calm down a bit?

Mine is only 2 and she's not very huggy and never kisses so I lap up every single one I can get.

I'm only guessing obviously but do you think your daughter is feeling a little insecure and if you met in the middle a bit she might be more satisfied? Did you 'reject her' for want of a better term when she wanted those 15 hugs you were talking about? I understand you're uncomfortable but if that's how she shows love it must be terribly confusing for her if it's not being reciprocated. Saying your daughter wanting kisses makes your skin crawl is pretty heartbreaking tbh, are you trying any kind of therapy to help?

Please don’t tell her you don’t like hugs.

👏 people really need to listen to this, there are so many discriminate posts and opinions on here, some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Is the SEN department good at her school? They could write her a social story. It would have her name and say "DD loves cuddling. Cuddles make her feel happy and warm inside. Sometimes people don't like cuddles as much as DD. Too many cuddles make them feel uncomfortable inside." etc. Or would you and her be happy with having a timed cuddle each day. Say 10-15 minutes when she gets home having a big squeeze and then say okay cuddle times over until bed time! Make it an event?
Sorry if this isn't helpful, it's hard to know what will work with neurodiverse children.

People keep forgetting she’s not a 3 year old, she’s 11. Has no one here ever been touched out? Can you not remember how that feels?

I have an autistic son who is a sensory seeker and he can be INTENSE. Strong, strangley type hugs that last a long time and not at appropriate moments. I can see where the op is coming from. I agree with creating a social story and talking about this with her when she is calmer and not in a hugging mood.

Also with an autistic parent the chance of ND is incredibly high! I’d be very surprised if she was NT from how she is described.

Literally dozens.

I get that you find hugging unpleasant and uncomfortable but this is your child. We all make sacrifices for our children.
Let her hug you and hug her back. You should even be absorbing more hugs to stop her from hugging your other child so much if it is causing him distress. That's what parents do. They protect, care and look after their children, sometimes to their own detriment.

Eww. They aren't cuddly toys.

OP, it might be a bit "young" for your daughter but we have an interactive book called calm down Boris, about a monster who loves kisses and affection but it drives people away.

There's a book called Speak up Susan which might be good for your youngest, about Boris' sister who needs to find her voice.

They're both good, young child friendly books about respecting boundaries and speaking up and having confidence in yourself and your boundaries.

Both books are by Sam Lloyd, and are lovely short bedtime story reads, if not also providing wonderful lessons.

Being able to provide affection to our children is kind of superior parenting.

This child is showing in their actions they’re not getting enough affection. That is a basic fact. For the OP to think three transactional hugs is enough is shocking

How childish

Saying eww to a parent who wants to be affectionate with their young child. Pretty pathetic really

Oh, you know me and about my childhood, then? Or didn't you think before you dismissed how a child who feels deprived of loving physical contact might respond to the first person who comes along that doesn't recoil or ration it to a duty hug four times a day?

I bet she doesn’t need to be told. Sadly she will know

@SaltySallyAnne it’s not a basic fact though is it, OP isn’t totally adverse to showing her daughter affection. Her daughter has been pulled up on it at school and is doing it to her brother. Maybe she is overly affectionate rather than OP being to unaffectionate. & as I mentioned previously I’m sure there are ways OP’s parenting are superior to yours. None of us are perfect parents, you included.

There has been studies to suggest that hugging is important for physical health and emotional wellbeing.

Would it help to reframe a hug as something that achieves a purpose rather than something emotional? Can you look at it as similar to feeding your child, clothing them, keeping them clean etc

Maybe you could give a certain amount of cards out so she can request hugs?

I agree that she needs to understand toddler brothers boundaries but if the feelings of insecurity over hugging you are dealt with I suspect she will loose interest in hugging him all the time.

It might also be worth asking her why she hugs him. Is it possible she is worried he isn’t getting enough affection either?

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/how-many-hugs-do-we-need-a-day_uk_64c8db6be4b021e2f2957950/

Not as pathetic as the multiple posters putting the boot in to op. Nasty little people.

@NeverDropYourMooncup if you want understanding and empathy for your childhood maybe you should try to show some to OP’s?

Nasty people? What adults who understand the basics of how to raise a child and know they need affection on the most part?

She’s an adult and a huge part of parenting is sucking it up and putting your child first.
To deny a small child a hug is cruel. She will grow up and one day will be able to show affection in other ways but right now this is her language of love and won’t understand why mum is shoving her away.