To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

[PippaKing]

I may get flamed for this but honestly, I would just like to get through one family dinner at the table with the in-law's without hearing my DH's ex wife name!

They have a shared DSD (11) so of course DH's ex is part of our lives in some way or another, but is it too much to ask to spend 30 minutes at a table after I've cooked a roast for everyone for 3 hours without hearing her name? I wouldn't think anything of it coming from DSD, but she wasn't even with us on this particularly occasion. MIL will always seem to find a way to bring her up, whether it's negative or positive, I hear her name. For example, weekend just gone it was 'I heard XXXX has a new car' and 'I chatted to DSD's friend school mum at pick-up and she doesn't like XXXX'.

Like who even cares about any of this stuff? DH & I have been together 5 years now too and are married so we aren't in a new relationship with each other. DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned usually, but I'm honestly just fed up with it now. I have no personal issues with DH's ex either. I mean I've never met her and even though she was a little high conflict at the start of our relationship, things have been pretty calm the last 3/4 years.

AIBU to want a family dinner when DSD isn't there to just not hear her name?

I think what your MIL is doing is very disrespectful. And fair enough if they need to mention her for DSD reasons etc but to keep bringing up in general chitter chatter is just uncouth and disrespectful

So they are only allowed to be talked about on a strictly needs to know basis, and anything else is disrespectful? I'm asking genuinely here. If my db and SIL broke up, I'd still very much consider her to be related to my family. She's the mother of my very beloved nieces, and by extension is going to be a significant person in my life. If he remarried and I was told not to mention her name again unless it was something to do with the dc then you wouldn't be coming into my house again. She hasn't died or become a child murderer, just because you have a new relationship.

If I was the "new" s in law, as the OP is, you wouldnt need to ban me from your house and you wouldn't be seeing anything of your much beloved nieces either!

What authority would you have to ban them from seeing their family? And all because their mother's name was mentioned? Honestly I find this really bizarre. Maybe because I was the child in the situation, my df was not allowed to be mentioned unless strictly necessary, and when it was there was a definite atmosphere. It's extremely unhealthy for the children and it just reeks of insecurity on the adults' part.

I think that you may have been in a slightly different situation from the OP? No one is banning the children from talking about their mum. The Op actually says so. No one is banning anyone from talking to the children about their Mum. What I interpret the OP as saying is that her mother in law uses the ex's name as a stick to beat her with.

@flowersintheatticus this reply has explained it perfectly. I know you're speaking about a hypothetical person with the 'new partner' but OP is not bothered by the mention of ex but by the consistent and unnecessary mentionitis. It's not accidental, it's wilfully rude and dismissive.

I get that it is annoying, but I don't think it's rude/disrespectful per se. I don't see the issue in 'oh I see (ex) Barbara got a new car' because I'd say that about a neighbour/friend/acquaintance' and as Barbara is in the picture it's relevant. It would be different if comparisons were made, or constantly praising Barbara against the new partner, but merely mentioning her wouldn't be an issue for me personally.

Some people are gossips.
I would just keep saying, '...anyway' and change the subject to show you find it boring, like you would about any boring gossip. No neeed to make a big drama of it.

Gosh you’re obsessed with ex are you MIL, you want to be careful there are stalking laws

mil you been spying on ex again, you know that you can get into serious trouble

wow obsessive.. you need to be careful it doesn’t take over your life

nsver say it when dsd about

🤣

Stop inviting her to your home

And the first post is absolutely the perfect solution!

Exh has a new car...
Oh, FIL ex has a new car...

Exh friend saw her new haircut
fil ex has a new haircut....

And repeat is the only response forever and I would find it hilarious to do it as well!

You sound hugely insecure.

Are you the OW or did she hugely abuse your DH?

If she's just an ex that things didn't work out with I don't know why hearing her name is such a big deal. What's your trigger? Why are you so upset about not being your DHs first gf. She's just a person of shared interest and your MIL is a bit gossipy

It's hardly "disrespectful" to mention her name unless she's negatively comparing you. "Oh, shame these roasties aren't as good as Fiona's"- that's disrespectful. "Fionas got a new car" is just nothing.

Personally I don't see the big deal. My PIL still see DPs as they help with childcare. They get on with her but they also get on with me, it's not a competition, and the mention of her name doesn't undermine me. We all have history and a past, and when DC are involved exes will.also be part of the future. Do you struggle with insecurity, is that why it's triggering? Just trying to understand why it bothers you so much

Grow up!
This is a person who is still very much family to your IL's and DH. You shouldn't have got with someone who's divorced and has a child if you don't want to hear anything about past relationships!
And yes my MIL talks about my OHs ex and we've even been to family events together!

It's ridiculous that they can't go one meal without discussing his ex though. They need some bloody self control

lol least they do it apt the table! Mil used to take DH to the side while I was there and whisper 🙄 every single time. Was so weird. She loves drama though and eventually after years and years stopped. I had no issue with the ex, despite her lying and a few other things. I even invited her to Christmas as she was going to be alone. Mil, fil and ex all ignored me the entire time while I ‘served’ them. She communicates to aliens now apparently lol so the in-laws can spend as much time with her as they want.

My MIL, whom I’m fond of and get on well with, turned to my DH at our wedding breakfast and asked if he still had the kilt they bought him for his wedding to (ex wife’s name).

For context, they were divorced and he’d lived with someone else in the meantime before I even met him, so I was in no way involved or even around when they split.

It wasn't done with malice, she’s not a fan of the ex, I think she didn’t stop to think about what she was saying. It makes me laugh every time I remember it. It sounds like your MIL is just looking for common ground to talk about, and not like she’s trying to compare you or big up the ex. Probably easiest just to let it bother you less

I'm quite lucky as my MIL can't stand my DH ex, so she rarely gets mentioned although I'm the opposite I have to steer the conversation away from her if she does as she never has a nice word to say about her and she is mum to there daughter at the end of day. It gets abit awkward sometimes

Does your MIL look at you when she says these things? My MIL loves a reaction, even though it would just be a pissed-off facial expression, from me.

two choices ;

1. don’t react. Don’t look pissed. Don’t be bothered.
2. you or your husband explain to her that there really is no need. If your step daughter is around, it’s perfectly understandable that much of her conversation and life would revolve around her mother. That’s not the same for your MIL.

I bet it isn't every meal, but OP is sensitive to any mention. I'd even hazard a guess that she doesn't really want DSD talking about her but tolerates it.
I'm also guessing DSD isn't allowed to talk about things that she did with her mum and dad when they were together!

Your MIL sounds like mine. Whenever she mentioned the ex either positively or negatively I would just say look out mad woman alert! Yes DH and ex had a DD but nothing o do with anything really. I just think it's your MIL way of trying to undermine you. Personally I would stop the dinner invites. MIL is sure to ask why and just tell her that constantly referring to your DH Ex is boring and you don't want to know. Co parenting has nothing to do with it. It's disrespectful especially in your own home.

I have been with my boyfriend 20 years and my ex still gets brought up 🤣🤣 never anything positive tho 🙃