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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

183 replies

PippaKing · 15/10/2024 16:23

I may get flamed for this but honestly, I would just like to get through one family dinner at the table with the in-law's without hearing my DH's ex wife name!

They have a shared DSD (11) so of course DH's ex is part of our lives in some way or another, but is it too much to ask to spend 30 minutes at a table after I've cooked a roast for everyone for 3 hours without hearing her name? I wouldn't think anything of it coming from DSD, but she wasn't even with us on this particularly occasion. MIL will always seem to find a way to bring her up, whether it's negative or positive, I hear her name. For example, weekend just gone it was 'I heard XXXX has a new car' and 'I chatted to DSD's friend school mum at pick-up and she doesn't like XXXX'.

Like who even cares about any of this stuff? DH & I have been together 5 years now too and are married so we aren't in a new relationship with each other. DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned usually, but I'm honestly just fed up with it now. I have no personal issues with DH's ex either. I mean I've never met her and even though she was a little high conflict at the start of our relationship, things have been pretty calm the last 3/4 years.

AIBU to want a family dinner when DSD isn't there to just not hear her name?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 15/10/2024 16:55

CooksDryMeasure · 15/10/2024 16:49

I’m not sure I get why it’s disrespectful. They were together, have a child together, I don’t really get why mentioning her name is disrespectful to the current wife.

but my dad mentioned my mum (his ex wife) in his wedding speech so obviously my radar is probably different!!

mentioning on the odd occasion if rlating to the child fine. banging on about it or talking about the new car, her likes and dislikes and so on, not fine.

ahemfem · 15/10/2024 16:55

sprigatito · 15/10/2024 16:28

Buy a buzzer and use it every time she uses the ex's name. Tell her you're conducting a study.

Also genius

KrisAkabusi · 15/10/2024 16:55

BCBird · 15/10/2024 16:33

What does your husband say ir think?

"DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it"

It's right there in the OP!

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 15/10/2024 16:55

Attelina · 15/10/2024 16:29

'Yet again you have mentioned Fiona. Why? You are in MY house, eating MY food that I have made for you, yet you continue to disrespect me. Either you stop doing it Deirdre or you can have your food on a tray in the sitting room and reflect on your bad manners!'

This

ahemfem · 15/10/2024 16:57

Boomer55 · 15/10/2024 16:46

She was part of their lives. Why would they try to airbrush her out? 🤷‍♀️if you’re insecure then best sort it out.

Edited

There is a BIG difference between when the ex wife naturally comes up in conversation and when conversation has been purposefully generated to discuss the ex wife. If you can't tell the difference its probably a good skill to learn.

ahemfem · 15/10/2024 16:58

CooksDryMeasure · 15/10/2024 16:49

I’m not sure I get why it’s disrespectful. They were together, have a child together, I don’t really get why mentioning her name is disrespectful to the current wife.

but my dad mentioned my mum (his ex wife) in his wedding speech so obviously my radar is probably different!!

Mentioning when relevant. Fine. Mentionitis. Not fine.

Mistletoewench · 15/10/2024 16:59

Attelina · 15/10/2024 16:29

'Yet again you have mentioned Fiona. Why? You are in MY house, eating MY food that I have made for you, yet you continue to disrespect me. Either you stop doing it Deirdre or you can have your food on a tray in the sitting room and reflect on your bad manners!'

Oh please do this !

SquatWeightaMinute · 15/10/2024 17:00

My MIL used to invite DP's Ex over when we were visiting. To be honest I admire her stance now and since the guy is also an EX to me too now, he brings his current GF over for a coffee when he does pick up & drop off. We are all adults, shouldn't all the adults just get along for the sake of the kids?

Whatisthisifound · 15/10/2024 17:00

No more roast dinners cooked for rude MIL
She seems to be mentioning exwife deliberately and unnecessarily.
I'd tell her to bugger off round exwife's for her roast.

crumblingschools · 15/10/2024 17:02

How do they know so much about her if they haven’t seen her for 6 years

mintich · 15/10/2024 17:04

@boomer55 the OP doesn't cone across as insecure at all. There's a difference between being insecure and being irritated. MIL is clearly trying to annoy her.

pizzaHeart · 15/10/2024 17:04

Boomer55 · 15/10/2024 16:46

She was part of their lives. Why would they try to airbrush her out? 🤷‍♀️if you’re insecure then best sort it out.

Edited

Because it’s not relevant any more? I’m sure more pressing topics for conversation do exist. OP said clearly that she didn’t mind it when it’s in a context e.g child mentions their mother. The problem is MIL mentioning ex wife without any reason after she was asked not to.

wordler · 15/10/2024 17:09

Boomer55 · 15/10/2024 16:46

She was part of their lives. Why would they try to airbrush her out? 🤷‍♀️if you’re insecure then best sort it out.

Edited

It depends how it was done - there's definitely a way some people bring this sort of thing up that is annoying.

I get on really well with my DSDs Mum - in fact we've even been away on a girls weekend together with DSD. And had dinner together at joint family occasions countless times over the years.

However, there's one old friend of DH's family who for some reason whether she just liked the ex better than me, or she was putting me in my place would bang on about all the stuff she and the ex wife used to do together when the kids were small. She'd bring it up at any occasion or event - completely unprompted or out of the blue in a very deliberate way - it was relentless. I solved it by fading the old friend out of as many occasions I was attending as possible. You can't really do that with your MIL!

Paganpentacle · 15/10/2024 17:09

KarlaCaz · 15/10/2024 16:34

My step FIL loved to mention my partners ex constantly. No kids, no lasting friendship with step FIL, he just thought it was funny. So for a long time whenever I invited him and MIL over I'd include his ex wife. He didn't like that.

I actually love you.

Squigglewigglediggle · 15/10/2024 17:11

I feel this. Not exactly the same but a family member of DH's constantly calls me by his exes name. It starts with the same initials mine so at first I was like, "ok, it happens", but we've now been together 15 years with several children and it's still happening fairly regularly 🤣 Loving some of the suggestions!

Mia184 · 15/10/2024 17:12

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 16:25

Turn to your FIL and ask him who he was dating before he met your MIL. Then keep referring to that woman again and again.

One more vote for this.

NC10125 · 15/10/2024 17:13

Have you tried

"Can I ask a private question MIL? Have you ever dated a woman? Its just that you mention Jane so much that my friends think you must have a bit of a crush on her"

Irrespective of her response playfully tease her about her crush every time Jane is mentioned.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/10/2024 17:13

So you have been on the scene longer than ex has been gone?? They are twats. Personally if dsd isn't even there and she mentions her I would ask her to leave your home.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/10/2024 17:18

I think it would annoy me but could she be trying to put dsds feelings first tin a sort of "we remember you have a mum and are including her" so there's no animosity/weirdness.

yeaitsmeagain · 15/10/2024 17:21

PippaKing · 15/10/2024 16:43

It's good to hear other people's opinions on the other side...

I get what you're saying, however her name doesn't cause me stress, it's more just annoyance now, almost a bit disrespectful. DSD will chat about her and I don't think anything of it because it's her Mum, but the in-law's haven't seen her in 6 years and it's always pointless remarks that nobody actually cares about...I mean why do I need to know or care what car she drives? I couldn't even name the car of my next door neighbour & I see it everyday 😂

Show quote history

That's just an old people thing, if they aren't telling you a five hour long story about some poor dear you've never met where the punchline is that she never normally buys that brand of coffee, they're asking for your help using an iPad.

Anonymouseposter · 15/10/2024 17:22

Have you told her quite calmly that you don't like it and want her to stop doing it?
e.g. When you come over for dinner I'm noticing that you frequently talk about Becky. Obviously we still have some contact because she's Olivia's Mum but when you keep bringing her into the conversation I don't feel comfortable. I'd like you to stop it so we can all relax and have a good time.
If you don't want to do it could your husband have a private word with her along the same lines?

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2024 17:24

BCBird · 15/10/2024 16:33

What does your husband say ir think?

DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

(in the OP)

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2024 17:26

Boomer55 · 15/10/2024 16:46

She was part of their lives. Why would they try to airbrush her out? 🤷‍♀️if you’re insecure then best sort it out.

Edited

And she is perfectly happy for her DSD to talk about her.

There is a reason that her MiL talks about the ex-wife (who she has nothing to do with now) when the DSD isn't there

ManchesterLu · 15/10/2024 17:27

My partner's family still talk about his ex, who he was with for less time than he's been with me, and who is NOT the mother of his child.

They idolised her, but DP just didn't love her unfortunately by the end, it was a difficult situation. They grew apart.

His dad said he should have married her. He said this openly, in front of me. It was fun.

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2024 17:28

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/10/2024 17:18

I think it would annoy me but could she be trying to put dsds feelings first tin a sort of "we remember you have a mum and are including her" so there's no animosity/weirdness.

The DSD isn't even there...