To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

[PippaKing]

I may get flamed for this but honestly, I would just like to get through one family dinner at the table with the in-law's without hearing my DH's ex wife name!

They have a shared DSD (11) so of course DH's ex is part of our lives in some way or another, but is it too much to ask to spend 30 minutes at a table after I've cooked a roast for everyone for 3 hours without hearing her name? I wouldn't think anything of it coming from DSD, but she wasn't even with us on this particularly occasion. MIL will always seem to find a way to bring her up, whether it's negative or positive, I hear her name. For example, weekend just gone it was 'I heard XXXX has a new car' and 'I chatted to DSD's friend school mum at pick-up and she doesn't like XXXX'.

Like who even cares about any of this stuff? DH & I have been together 5 years now too and are married so we aren't in a new relationship with each other. DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned usually, but I'm honestly just fed up with it now. I have no personal issues with DH's ex either. I mean I've never met her and even though she was a little high conflict at the start of our relationship, things have been pretty calm the last 3/4 years.

AIBU to want a family dinner when DSD isn't there to just not hear her name?

My kids developed a bad habit of interrupting conversations [which are presumably boring them] with inane and unrelated comments.

DH is handling it by trotting out the same line every time with a simple and irrelevant comment like "I once rode a pony called Daisy" / Did you know Napoleon had 3 cats? or similar head tilt, hard stare and keeps going with the original conversation. The kids have gotten the message and now wait their turn. He uses the same sentence every time..

Maybe try that. :)

Next time it happens, turn your DH and say “Ok you win the fiver, I thought we’d get to pudding before she mentioned Barbara but it was before I got the gravy to the table this time”.

He has

Loads of people have been part of mine and my family’s lives. We don’t mention each and every one of them at each and every meal.

Your MIL sounds as though she's just trying to cause trouble. She's announcing that DSD's friend's mum doesn't like DSD's mum, which is something that neither of them should be discussing in front of DSD. It doesn't sound as though she's fond of her former DIL from what she is saying.

Mil kept calling me dh ex partner name at the beginning of our relationship.Dh told her that I'd she didn't stop it he'd start calling her partner her ex's name.
Worked immediately.

The ex exists. Don't show your bothered and it may well stop. You're making too big a deal of it imo

🤣

That's nothing, my Mum still talks about the boyfriend I had when I was a teenager. I'm in my 50s and haven't seen him for about 30 years. I think for her it's a way to feel connected to my life, I live a long way away so she no longer knows the details of my day to day life.

I'd let it wash over you. She might be doing it for her granddaughter, she might be doing it to get a rise out of you or her DS. You don't know which it is so best if you and DH just respond with a 'that's nice' and move onto another subject.

Mil hissed in my ear dh's ex had wanted his dc just after we told her I was pregnant.. . Obviously out of dh's earshot.. His ex was a short term gf and not engaged or married.
She hasn't been in our lives for a decade. Her own doing...

My MIL told me all about DH’s first wedding day in the run up to our own wedding. She also told me about catching DH and first wife sneaking off for a quickie during their reception. I was absolutely speechless and DH was incandescent. He gave her a rocket. It’s because she’s an old boot, as far as I am concerned. She doesn't get hosted by us very often and DH manages her behaviour very tightly.

You have no idea how old the OP's MIL is. She could be in her 50s and nowhere near 'old dear' territory.

@MounjaroUser has the perfect evil genius response!

You just need to treat it as if they were talking about a random neighbour or family member you never see. She is part of their lives it’s not like she’s done anything wrong by merely existing.

just give stock responses.

Oh that’s nice. Lovely. That’s a shame.

Just to make you laugh- it took 10 years for my MIL to stop calling me the ex's name! Honestly the patience I had to have, and yes we do have a good relationship.

Your MIL is bringing it up precisely because she's been told not to, and knows it upsets you. Beat her to the punch and bring it up first and frequently. She'll soon stop. Along with that, find something that MIL doesn't like to talk about or is embarassed about and bring it up relentlessly.

I think the OP has already quietly waited 5 years for this shite to stop though

This is brilliant.

Op stated quite clearly that the MIL does it when the step child, her grandchild isn't there!

This made me lol

Oh I like this 🤣

Or maybe a drinking game. Every time she’s mentioned; you & DH jump up from the table & down a shot!
Happily tell them why when they query your odd behaviour. They’ll probably chastise you for your rude behaviour 🤣

Stop cooking for her.
You are silly to be entertaining someone who clearly doesn't care if she causes offence.
As for spending 3 hours on a meal for her?
Foolish.
Stop being involved.
No more effort, no more invitations, no more meals.
She thinks you are a doormat.
Drop the rope completely.
Let your husband visit them.
No fuss, just say no thanks, go on your own.
She will continue this if you continue to be a doormat.

Love this!

I would probably go passive aggressive. She's doing this to wind you up as her son's ex is the woman who gave her a grandchild. But like any bully, she will only do it if she thinks she is in control and scoring points.

Your DH asks her to stop, but that is just encouraging her. She knows what she is doing and him asking her just proves that she is meeting her objective of being irritating. I would do the opposite and engage in the conversation. Don't bring the ex up yourself, but when your MIL does, act fascinated. Ask a couple of questions. Then bring up your own ex. Then ask about MIL's ex-boyfriends and FIL's ex-girlfriends. Do this every time DH's ex is mentioned, so MIL starts to kick herself (and FIL kicks her under the table) even when she mentions the ex's name by accident.

Make MIL stop because she knows you're better at this game than she is, not because her DS is asking her to be nice. She isn't.

Just make sure you inform DH that you are doing this to make a point, so he is onside.