To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

[PippaKing]

I may get flamed for this but honestly, I would just like to get through one family dinner at the table with the in-law's without hearing my DH's ex wife name!

They have a shared DSD (11) so of course DH's ex is part of our lives in some way or another, but is it too much to ask to spend 30 minutes at a table after I've cooked a roast for everyone for 3 hours without hearing her name? I wouldn't think anything of it coming from DSD, but she wasn't even with us on this particularly occasion. MIL will always seem to find a way to bring her up, whether it's negative or positive, I hear her name. For example, weekend just gone it was 'I heard XXXX has a new car' and 'I chatted to DSD's friend school mum at pick-up and she doesn't like XXXX'.

Like who even cares about any of this stuff? DH & I have been together 5 years now too and are married so we aren't in a new relationship with each other. DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned usually, but I'm honestly just fed up with it now. I have no personal issues with DH's ex either. I mean I've never met her and even though she was a little high conflict at the start of our relationship, things have been pretty calm the last 3/4 years.

AIBU to want a family dinner when DSD isn't there to just not hear her name?

This you have issues so deal with that people don't vanish

No, but you don't have to start gossiping about her.

I'd try and embarrass her. The next time she does it, joke between you and your DH "oh, you win the bet for what time she'll bring up Sharon" and both laugh. Hopefully she'll realise it doesn't bother you and will stop.

Next time, assuming SD isn't there, stop eating,, say "I have asked you many times to have more respect and not keep banging on with tittle tattle about X Wife, please leave."

If your feeling gracious, help her on with her coat.

If there's a future occasion, she's probably remember your request.

My mother in law used to do this all time too, but I don't think there was ever any malicious intention. I think in her head she liked to think we were all friends (no aminosity but no contact either). My husband and I used to respond by complete silence then changing subject altogether.

if it was something appropriate I could get your POV. But its not just mentioning her name occasionally and for a reason, its "oh she has a new car" "she doesn't like xxxx" I mean why does that need to be discussed?

For reasons I won't go into on here but which were to do with financial business after my husband died, I stayed in vague touch with my besties ex and she knew this and knew why. Did I mention him when I went to hers? Of course I didn't.

You could make up some scandal about ex eg you’ve heard she’s going out with with her next doors 17 year old son. Not if Step children are involved.

My MIL likes to call my DM by my DH ex girlfriends name (split approximately 18 years ago) on purpose... the 2 names share the same first letter. I find it hilarious that she would need to go out of her way to do this. Sad woman. No you are not being unreasonable. I'd stop asking her over for roasts until she stops.
Oh in return I make sure to ask my FIL about his girlfriend from university too (equally as bloody ages ago) We all know her by 1st name 😂😂😂 poor old man loves reminiscing about the multiple conquests he had before her (she has only been with him)

She will be most irritated if you and your DH share a joke at her expense every time she does this. The two of you united in ridiculing her will be the last thing she wants to facilitate.

I'd go with the sweepstake option every time. You also need to make sure you win every time and the prize you get is something that will irritate her too. Is there anything she hates that you have or do?

Sounds like your DH is on board which would make this less of an issue for me but I get it still grates.

Make a couple of bingo cards, one for you and one for DH. Whenever she brings up ex in conversation with either you or your H (alone) each of you should intentionally get out your cards and put an X on the card. If she brings up ex infront of both of you (together) - get your cards out and decide between yourselves who should claim that 'X' on their card. Make a merry discussion about how you have 3 so far, he only has 2, and so on and so forth. Have immense fun with your cards, and make a point of looking for a pen/marker/whatever to make the 'X' on your card. Make rules for the game and go the whole hog! Cards renew at the end of each month - whoever's got the most 'wins', has to buy the other their favourite bottle of wine etc etc.

There's a huge difference between what OP said and this!

My MIL used to do this until my DH pulled her up on it. Now instead of saying ex wife’s name she says ‘the name I’m not allowed to mention’ which is frankly hilarious.

MyMIL actually showed me the bottom tier of the wedfing cake from the wedding of dh with his ex wife. Quite why I have no clue...tact was nevet her strong point. Yanbu.

Don’t be so patronising! If they were talking about her in the context of dsd or even that she’d been to see them, it would be different But simply bringing up random unrelated anecdotes about her, is rude and frankly designed just to cause trouble.

would you really be happy to sit at the dinner table discussing your partners ex and every detail of her life………. No of course not!

Hi @PippaKing I agree with you and most of the PP's that I read on the first page - I haven't read any further yet - and I too love the idea of you asking your DFiL what his last love's name was, before he met your MiL.

But I would like to suggest another one, only it would take extra effort, and you, or your DH might not like the idea at all, but I'll give it a go: I wondered about you or your DH inviting his daughter and her mother for dinner when your in laws are next due. I think that it would be good if you could actually tell your DH'S ex-wife about how much your MiL gossips about her with other people who know her, and so you thought it would be nice if they met up with her again, so that she could ask her directly instead of gossiping behind her back.

Then when you are all together DH could tell his mum that you both (meaning "we") invited his ex to dinner so that his DM can ask the her the answers to all the gossip she wants to know!

Sorry, I am not usually that mean - especially as I am a MiL myself - it is probably just me having a daydream of being a butterfly on the wall in the dining room that day 🙈😂

This! Love it.

Gosh, are you normally this easily rattled? This woman exists, she’s their grandchild’s mother so they hear about her regularly, they don’t grasp why her name is such a trigger for their son’s subsequent wife, who has never met her and has no issue with her. They are tactless, absolutely, if their son has asked them to stop, but it sounds as if it isn’t done with malicious intent.

Your response would be appropriate if the OP were the ex, and her former PILs kept telling her how lovely the OW who’s now married to their son is.

🤣 we could be such good friends!

Husband has asked his mum repeatedly not to do it so yes she does know it is causing distress.

100% Absolutely love this 👏

Not sure I get why it's disrespectful either, assuming the comments aren't things like "saw ExDW recently, she looked stunning as always!" or one-upping you. My mum constantly refers to people I went to primary school with because she's friends with their mums - we've not spoken in 20+ years and she'll give me the latest random updates on their lives. It might be that sort of thing, maybe your MIL enjoyed their MIL/DIL relationship and is trying in a clumsy way to normalise friendly relationships between you all? Or if she's a chatty person, maybe it's literally just that she shares everything that pops in her head and she doesn't have a whole lot of news of her own, or about people you all know? Does she also give a lot of unnecessary/boring detail on other topics?

My own MIL looves to talk about DP's female friends in an overly positive way and I assume this is meant to upset me, but I just find it funny and agree enthusiastically because DH's friends are fab!

As soon as she started talking about her as long as DSD wasn't there I'd go ohhh no not her again it's like a broken record, we are not bloody interested in her and I would not care if i offended mother in law either.

That is absolutely awful what a vile woman. Clearly got a touch of jealousy about you.

Don’t you see that it works both ways? It’s clear that this is not mil being “tactless’, she’s been asked repeatedly not to keep doing it, her son changes the subject etc. it’s rude and disrespectful to him and his wife. It makes no difference at all if she’s the ex or current partner, in fact it makes no difference what the topic of the conversation is, if you’ve been asked specifically not to talk about something, it’s rude to do so.