To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

[PippaKing]

I may get flamed for this but honestly, I would just like to get through one family dinner at the table with the in-law's without hearing my DH's ex wife name!

They have a shared DSD (11) so of course DH's ex is part of our lives in some way or another, but is it too much to ask to spend 30 minutes at a table after I've cooked a roast for everyone for 3 hours without hearing her name? I wouldn't think anything of it coming from DSD, but she wasn't even with us on this particularly occasion. MIL will always seem to find a way to bring her up, whether it's negative or positive, I hear her name. For example, weekend just gone it was 'I heard XXXX has a new car' and 'I chatted to DSD's friend school mum at pick-up and she doesn't like XXXX'.

Like who even cares about any of this stuff? DH & I have been together 5 years now too and are married so we aren't in a new relationship with each other. DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned usually, but I'm honestly just fed up with it now. I have no personal issues with DH's ex either. I mean I've never met her and even though she was a little high conflict at the start of our relationship, things have been pretty calm the last 3/4 years.

AIBU to want a family dinner when DSD isn't there to just not hear her name?

Haha this is a great response.

@ClaredeBear sounds like my mother, she brought up my ex fiance all the time in front of DH. DH wasn't really bothered, but it used to annoy me so much. I'm sure she realised as she always liked to make me squirm.

I've had this. My ILs are pot stirring idiots. I handled it like this. Confused but interested big smile

Me "Who are we talking about?"
Them "ex's name"
Me furrowed brow still smiling then "oh!" Turn to DH "your friend from work?"
Them, outraged "no! The kids mum"
Me, laughing "oh your ex!!! SORRY." Laughs again, embarrassed and shakes head. "sorry, I didn't think anyone was still in touch. When did you see her? How is she?"
Uncomfortable silence. "We haven't seen her"
"Ohhh... Right... Why are we talking about her?" Then continue with a task.

I did a version of this on repeat, sometimes just a "sorry I don't know her... Oh sorry! Yes. No, not in touch at all so wouldn't know anything about that"

One SIL persisted with the bringing her up and I finally said "she certainly gets a lot of airtime for someone you haven't seen in - what 8 years? Did you fall out or how come you're not in touch anymore?"

Basically I kept pushing it back to them so they just sounded ridiculous bringing her up.

The fact that it's his ex MiL can't stop mentioning isn't something that would bother me particularly. I'd find this an irritant the way people always are when they persist in talking about things and people that those in their company don't know. It's tedious, not to mention rude. But as she's been asked to stop and persists in doing it then it does seem she's deliberately goading you.

Some of the suggestions on this thread are funny, but the only way to win with passive aggressives is not to play. If she wants to provoke a confrontation, or is gaining the satisfaction of being told to stop as some sort of 'proof' that she's getting under your skin, then nothing will piss her off more than not even showing her the courtesy of noticing.

That said, I'd no longer trouble myself to cook for someone who behaved like this. Play stupid games ...

My SIL had form for this when DH and I started dating.
She got worse when we were planning our wedding.
She stated rather loudly once that I couldn't expect DH to get too excited about the wedding because he'd been married before( she cheated divorced before I met him) .
SIL didn't realise DH had told me she'd been jilted a couple of days before her wedding to a previous partner.
'But this is the first and only Wedding I'm planning,SIL , any tips ?'.

My DH's family still call me the ex's name 5 years on so could always be worse 😂

This 👏

oi lay off the ageism!

There's a distinct difference between mentioning her or commenting on her life and "airbrushing her out." It's not that @PippaKing is insecure about her DH's ex, it's that his mother apparently won't stop bringing her up, despite being asked by her SON to stop, numerous times.

Why does MIL do that? Why does she think her son and his wife want to be informed about her son's ex? Someone should tell her they don't want her to do this...
oh, but her son DID tell her! She knows they don't like it but does it anyway, even when she is a guest in their home. That is the very definition of rude. Stirring!

My parents do this about my ex husband. A man who had two affairs, the second of which was with my best friend and resulted in me having a nervous breakdown. I am now married to a lovely man. And yet we still get 'how's ex pisco frisco' 'how's he getting on at work?' I put up with this for years until last Christmas when I snapped and just said 'I don't know how he is. And I don't care. And neither should you. And if you continue with this you won't be welcome at current dh and I's house anymore-it's not fair on any of us'. They STILL do it. But far less frequently and never now in front of dh.

It actually gives me the rage tbh. It's really affected my relationship with my parents. So insensitive and disrespectful.

Just remembering my lovely dad when he first my DP..
’Have you met Peggy’s last ex? You know Brian, the druggie, got caught stealing, used to go missing?’
DP - ‘no Peggy’s dad, I’ve not met him!’
Dad - ‘to be fair son Brian was the best of them. The ones before him were absolute dickheads!’
Instant love between DP and my dad.
And that was the last time my past got mentioned!

Is she a bit Hyacinth Bouquet? Commenting on how beautiful her neighbours/sisters/frenemy’s begonias/flower baskets/ newly painted front door/ wedding outfit/ new coat everytime is both pointed and will hopefully wash over your DSD’s head if she’s sitting at the table.

My MIL does this all the time. I used to be able to laugh it off and then I had our baby and it really started to hit me and I would get really upset. My husband rang her and said ffs will you wise up and stop mentioning the ex girlfriend to my wife or we won’t be back at your house. She hasn’t said anything since.

I’m not surprised you keep her at arm’s length now, I’d have been so hurt by that, but you lose all the moral high ground by the misogynistic ageism. Using the term ‘old boot’ is not cool.

I’m hardly young myself.

Hi op,

Unfortunately, I feel that in a close future, you will come here and ask us if that is ok to go nc with her.

She is out of line. Generally speaking, you can’t just ignore someone…and she knows this.

I am sorry she is genuinely thinking she doesn’t have to adjust to you being the new DIL. You will have to choose:
-a) she doesn’t do it to hurt you so you take it
-b) freeking hell get out my house!

I think nowadays, people don’t want to make the effort to keep families together but I also notice how many people are just expecting to have zero consequence from their shitness.

Good luck 🌺

Sounds like mil wants you to say something negative about the ex so she can create drama. Sounds like a teenage girl. Good on you for not playing along. Continue to ignore her.

Completely insensitive and tone deaf

🤣 And make lots of equally pointless comments like “ I wonder what car your dad’s Ex drives now?” “ Do you think dad’s Ex still lives locally?” Etc..

Nothing other than pot stirring and seeing if they can press your buttons.
My mum always is surprised when I haven’t been in contact with my exH’s mum.

There’s a difference between the occasional mention and constantly mentioning someone, especially as they don’t have a continuing relationship. I was married for 10 years and my exH was very close to my family, as was I to his, but we’ve all moved on and apart from the occasional mention in relation to stories from the past etc, my family don’t mention him frequently. Why would they? I seriously doubt his family mention me frequently in front of his wife either.

I said YANBU

My MIL, who is nearly 90, refers to my DHs Ex ( of nearly 30 years) as the best EX DIL anyone could have… she also mixes up our names and i get called DH Ex name and vice versa….. fortunately I like and get on okay with Ex as DH and her share two (now adult) children and we have always tried to make things as easy as possible for them. I admit though I feel a bit rubbish when it happens and my DH absolutely hates it…but she is nearly 90 so no chance of changing it now.

But it's rude. It's not a gagging order, it's just about her knowing when to keep her mouth shut. Do you really think her DS is interested that his ex has a new car or that some school mum doesn't like her? Or that it's necessary to inform him in front of his current GF?

My husband has a friendship group through work and one wife constantly mentions his ex.

She mentions her every time we meet. We all work for the same company, but due to the size of the company I have never crossed paths with his ex professionally, and saw her once on a night out 11 years ago.

He was with her when he was in his early 20s…..i was still in school when they dated. They split long before we met. He is now 45. I’ve been with him for SIXTEEN years.

I now bow out of any social occasions with the friendship group because I don’t need to be around it. I’m not even bothered about the ex, I’m bothered that this woman gets a kick out of mentioning her. The last straw was when my husband and son went to the last gathering and she told my then 10 year old “we remember when your dad used to come to these bbqs with another lady”.

You sound like you’re getting the same. Don’t let someone disrespect you, particularly not in your own home.

Why would it be disrespectful to the OP though, just to mention her name? She is the mother of the dgd, who is very much still in their lives. When couples separate are you supposed to act as if they never existed?