To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

[PippaKing]

I may get flamed for this but honestly, I would just like to get through one family dinner at the table with the in-law's without hearing my DH's ex wife name!

They have a shared DSD (11) so of course DH's ex is part of our lives in some way or another, but is it too much to ask to spend 30 minutes at a table after I've cooked a roast for everyone for 3 hours without hearing her name? I wouldn't think anything of it coming from DSD, but she wasn't even with us on this particularly occasion. MIL will always seem to find a way to bring her up, whether it's negative or positive, I hear her name. For example, weekend just gone it was 'I heard XXXX has a new car' and 'I chatted to DSD's friend school mum at pick-up and she doesn't like XXXX'.

Like who even cares about any of this stuff? DH & I have been together 5 years now too and are married so we aren't in a new relationship with each other. DH handles it well, he will quickly change the subject or make a remark that none of us care about the answer, plus I've heard him countless times in person or over the phone asking her to just stop it...but she pays no notice (to anyone tbh) and because she doesn't think of it as a big deal, then it's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned usually, but I'm honestly just fed up with it now. I have no personal issues with DH's ex either. I mean I've never met her and even though she was a little high conflict at the start of our relationship, things have been pretty calm the last 3/4 years.

AIBU to want a family dinner when DSD isn't there to just not hear her name?

Of course they do. OP has said her DH has told his mother how OP feels and still it happens.

Keep asking her about the ex.

’Marjorie, do you know if Sandra got a fanjo wax this week? I had mine done and I thought to myself - I must check with Marjorie to see if she knows whether Sandra got her fanjo waxed - I’d swear you fancied her if you weren’t already married to Martin here’.

’Marjorie, did Sandra get Red Rooster potatoes or King Edward’s?’
’Marjorie, do you know if Sandra has gas central heating?’
’Marjorie, what size are Sandra’s feet?’
’Marjorie, Marjorie, does Sandra like chicken madras?’
’Marjorie, has Sandra ever had a splinter?’
’Marjorie, did Sandra fancy Eric Cantona?’

You could really piss her off!

Run a book on how long it will be between her getting in the door and mentioning ex-wife's name. Your husband guesses how long, you guess how long. Write it on a piece of paper, along with the precise time she comes in. At first mention, you or DH shout out the time now, grab the paper and work out whose guess was nearest. You do all this loudly and with gusto, including the 'Aw, you win!'.

It will embarrass her. Nothing says 'I know you're going to do the thing I asked you not to do' quite as loudly as running a book on it.

@MayaPinion your advice is just fantastic!
It is clear Marje doesn’t particularly like Sandra. If she hasn’t see her in six years, she seems very bothered.

I think she could also add:

’Do you know, Marjorie, I don’t really know Sandra at all but she’s clearly a very important person in the family. I’m thinking of asking her for a coffee. Would you like to come with, or is it not for you?’

Marjorie is a piss-taker. She is in OP’s house, eating her food, she knows she’s needling her.

My DP has been married before. Many years ago, been divorced for a long time but I have not been favourably compared. My version of Sandra can cook, knows how to make a lovely home, still pops into see ‘Mum’ regularly, she’s just marvellous. Luckily as I’m a shit chef I don’t host her. 😂

Well, I didn’t know they no longer see her (I’m pretty sure DH’s girlfriend before me, whom his mother would have much preferred him to marry, is still on her Christmas card list, and she’ll stop and chat any time they see her on the street!), but I suppose they just hear stuff from their grandchild and news about her doesn’t seem controversial or sensitive to them, regardless of what your DH says? Some people are just tactless like that — if they don’t see why something might be upsetting, then you’re silly to be upset, and they barrel on regardless. (Again, my MIL is exactly this person. It’s pure tunnel vision and lack of imagination, rather than malice, but incredibly aggravating.)

OP, I feel your pain. I was wife no 4. Don't ask - I was stupid. He's my Ex now of course, and I'm psycho ex no 4. There's a number 5 too, also a psycho ex now. Think he had some kind of syndrome. I used to drink alot to numb the irritation and "let it go" when all the stories were repeated over the course of our 14 year disaster at family gatherings. I know it's not the healthiest strategy, but it worked for me. Or give her a ball gag for Christmas - can she take a hint at all?

I would just ignore her every time and talk about something else. Maybe say one last time that you won't be engaging in conversations about X so please don't try to start one.

This is hilarious. I bloody love this idea. Please do this 🤣

wait till next time then go “hey Marjorie, did your bestie Sandra cook you this food? No? Then I guess you don’t want it”, pick up her plate and eat it yourself in front of her

obviously don’t do that but wouldn’t the shocked pikachu face be funny? 😆

(I do love other people’s idea of calmly asking about FIL’s ex, especially if you can find out beforehand then just do it smoothly, genius)

Mmm in one way it’s understandable and in another a bit horrible for you. When I first met my DP’s closest friends they incessantly reminisced about the happy times they all had with his ex and I hated it. They gradually stopped and barely mention her now but that’s not so likely to happen since your MIL still sees the ex.

I'd enthusiastically join in with the conversation - oh a new car, how lovely - maybe ex will pick you up in it to go for a coffee, what colour is it and answer again what a lovely colour. She will get bored if you are agreeable to the conversation. Have some fun with it as you've tried being adult about it by asking her not too do it.

Your husband has asked her to stop and she hasn't, so I'd just stop inviting her to dinner, and avoid her wherever possible.

I think making a joke of it is probably most likely to get her to stop. The bet about how long till she mentions it; asking detailed questions about the ex as though she’s likely to have the answer; or teasing her about having a crush are all good suggestions other people have come up with. Talk to you DH about which is likely to work best. The key is to embarrass her about it. No one likes being the butt of the joke, it’s humiliating. Normally I’m nice, but she’s been politely asked to stop and has continued so she’s clearly deliberately annoying you, so you’re justified in being a bit mean.

Please do this 🤣

How can you spend THREE hours on a Sunday roast?
Missing the point, I know, but blimey.
Are you growing the cow from scratch?

I don't think it's a case of being insecure..it's about having some manners

My MIL told my new SİL how pretty DH’s ex wife was, even showed her pictures. Reader: we had two children and I was 9 months pregnant with our third. They have no DC and were together for about 18 months.

I can easily spend three hours on a roast if I’m being thorough. Homemade stuffing and gravy; several different veg with different cooking methods; making a nice pudding. I’m also often making some form of vegetarian alternative too. I do also do it much simpler and quicker other times. But I do love cooking, so a happy morning fussing in the kitchen, with a nice glass of sherry to help me along can be a lovely weekend treat.

Eek!!!

Also genius

That made me laugh it's so true

Yes, but you might if you (a) wished your adult child was still with the ex and (b) had no filter.

What an impressive bunch of evil geniuses on MN today - I salute you all! A vuvuzela would be an excellent addition to your weaponry for future lunches.

I play a similar came in that I have a box of chocolates and whenever a reference to the ex comes up I get to have one.