This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

It does sound OP as though your DH is rather smitten by this woman.
Have you asked him about her? Have you told him how it makes you feel when he is spending time looking at videos of a new woman friend? Have you said how disrespectful it is?

why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

I think you know exactly why.

Oh dear, he's had his head turned OP.

Did you already post about this?

I would be very upset.

Why do YOU think he has taken the video @SpaceyChapman ?

Yeah, Mme. Neck-down Alopecia.

He fancies her, that’s obvious. No matter how incredible he is, he’s discovered another woman has piqued his interest. Confront him.

Perhaps it like a fan thing, e.g. if uiu or he had a thing about a famous person? Nothing will ever come of it. Would not bother me if my other half fancied a celebrity, but I would not like the watching of the video

Agree with PP, he's probably has a bit of a crush on this woman and keeps watching the videos because he wishes he could go back to that time where he got to spend time with her. I'd find it really inappropriate and would he be happy if you kept dreamily re watching videos of a man you'd be friended while away?

No, you're not being unreasonable to feel insecure.
His head has clearly been turned.

Confront the situation head on; this will only manifest and get worse.

You are asking 'why?' because you're afraid to answer the question yourself.

You know why. He has at least a crush on her, and is caught up in the giddy 'wow everything about her is amazing' phase. He probably took the video so once the trip ended he could look back and reminisce over it and have personal material of her to watch. It's pretty creepy and extremely disrespectful to you, his wife.

I would be very wary about this relationship. I'm assuming they have added one another on social media and have kept in touch since the trip?

He doesn't sound that 'incredible' if he is holidaying without you and taking videos of young, attractive women.

Unacceptable. Tell him he needs to delete any content of her whilst you watch him do it and then clear his deleted folder so he can’t retrieve it. Ask him if they’re friends in social media or have exchanged numbers. If so, she needs blocked and deleted immediately. If you don’t get at this ruthlessly now, it could escalate and threaten your marriage. It already is.

But also who did you reckon he'd meet on a holiday abroad without you that's entered on meditation/yoga etc?

Ok put down your weapons. Yes, it’s sounds like he has a crush. But tbh getting a crush is a normal thing he may not even realise he filmed the video in such a way. Don’t confront him, but do talk to him about the fact it’s making you feel insecure and go from there. I agree he shouldn’t have the video on his phone and if he fancies her, or behaving in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, he shouldn’t keep in contact but if you go at him all guns ablasing he’s probably going to get defensive and you won’t really get anywhere.

Maybe OP thought he would focus on his own practice and spend time appropriately chatting to others and not crossing lines like this. And leave it there.

I have an interest that is VERY heavily male-dominated. Every time I go away for an overnight or weekend to participate it's with a mostly male group of friends (a couple of us are women). We have a blast. Over the many years I've made several new friends, added them on social media, then met up at the next get together. I have a lovely group of friends now, we've been friends for years.

DH trusts me that I would never do something like this, that I would only ever behave in a way I'd be happy for him to witness. I can't imagine meeting a new man and taking videos of him to look back on afterwards lol. That's just so bizarre and creepy as hell.

OP thought her husband was trustworthy, and probably didn't give it a second thought when he went off on this trip. I wouldn't doubt my husband going off on a trip, including if he was hanging around a load of young beautiful interesting women, because I trust him. But I guess you can never really know anyone, can you? This must be such a shock to the system for OP.

OP sounds very chill, which is a blessing and a curse. I wouldn't be too chill here OP.

Ugh. The look reserved for you, for your love, is now being directed at someone else. How absolutely hurtful. I don't know if I could come back from the unease and hurt of that, personally. My friend who's done some yoga retreats/wellness stays said they are a hotbed of infidelity, but of course that's purely anecdotal.

My exh had a profile pic of him and his "best girlie friend" when we first met, embracing and looking like a couple... She definitely doesn't see him that way, but she's more than happy to take the ego boost of knowing he is obsessed with her. I heartily wish I'd never bothered with him after seeing him give her "that look",and he was only a single man at the time, not bloody married, like your H! Please don't contort yourself in any way yo get him to "pick" you. You should be enough just being who you are.

Whatever you ask though, he will deny it. I would have my radar switched completely on, and I will never accept being second best to a crush ever ever again. It destroys your confidence.

He’s obviously not “incredible” as you’ve posted here about him. Be for real.

I'm afraid these 'retreats' are well known as being essentially bonk fests and are overwhelmingly attended by single adults, so I'm amazed and frankly mystified that you were ok with your DH going tbh.

I'd be packing his bags. You do not need proof.

He fancies her, which isn’t a crime. As long as his behaviour is appropriate I wouldn’t worry about it.

Seems like he has a crush. I agree that as long as he isn’t acting inappropriate then there’s no problem here

Why the additional thread?

@Onestepfromendingitall On what basis have you come to that conclusion? What retreats are you talking about? I've been of loads of meditation and yoga retreats and there has never been any innappropriate conduct, and in most of the meditation retreats the men and women did not mix at all. So please don't make wild presumptions.

This is giving me Andrew Lincoln in Love Actually vibes….

Why get yesterday's thread deleted by MN and then post about it again today?