This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

It was deleted. But OP talked about the woman having “neck down alopecia” and being a “nymphomniac”

Why? Um…he fancies her. Thats why. To rewatch it To fantasise about her. I would have thought it’s glaring obvious why he filmed it.

Can you tease him a bit about it, like ooh someone’s got a crush? It doesn’t have to be a major issue, crushes do happen in a relationship. It’ll let him know you’ve clocked it though and maybe make him think about how it’s coming off

It’s funny you should say that. DH uses this thing in work called a slide-deck. It’s basically a slideshow – like those cards the character uses in the movie, but with pictures as well as text. He’s made one of his trip away and the photo he’s used as the title page is very similar in nature to the video. It’s also the icon for launching the file.

He’d have a valid claim to say it is a photo of the whole group, but the lady in questions is standing front and centre with the guru or whoever off to one side. She’s the only one you can see in full. Everyone else is behind, or obscured, or looking the other way. Half the group aren’t even in it. Weirdly, this photo wasn’t one of the ones he showed me when he got back. I’m not even sure where it came from. Once again, the main focus of the photo is undeniably her.

p.s. she is only the focus of this thread to the extent that she’s the focus of his attention. I wish her no ill.

Obviously he fancies her. Many married people will fancy someone else occasionally but what’s more worrying is that he’s gone out of his way to video her (creepy and presumably storing it up for later) and he doesn’t seem to care about the effect on you of his behaviour in having this video and openly watching it.

A happily married person who finds themselves attracted to someone else will file it under “ah well, maybe in my next life” and step away. Not video that person and rewatch it later in front of their spouse FFS.

I’d also question why he was on this retreat in the first place. Seems odd to go alone unless this is related to his job or a long standing hobby.

Exactly.

He's playing with fire right in front of you OP. He needs a bloody good kick up the arse before he completely trashes his family.

Yes, this is my view as well. He needs to hear it from you in no uncertain terms. There is so much wrong with what he has done.

Oh, come on...it's just some little fleeting thing...no big deal..

Just take the Mickey a little bit...mercilessly if you like. Imitate her in the vid, imitate him watching it...

Or, you could Leave The Bastard as most posters seem to actually think. 😝

Where are these? I want to go.

@EngineEngineNumber9 You wot?! We've clearly missed the back story. Is neck down alopecia even a thing!? And if this is true (any of it) then he's done more than meditate with her!

How strange! Make sure you know where he is at Christmas when the Carol singers are usually doing their rounds!

Thanks for all your feedback today everyone X

Of course you feel anxious and unsettled, @SpaceyChapman. This was not the type of ‘adventure’ you envisioned him having when you waved him off.

He developed an infatuation and is acting on it. Filming this woman to fantasize and perv over both in private and right in front of you is truly beyond the pale.

Is it possible that they actually met online before attending the retreat? Do you know if they’ve been chatting since he returned?

Spacey, I would confront him and address his appalling behavior immediately. This is so wrong on many levels.

I don't think he was perving. It was worse. He was looking, longingly.

Yes, that would be horrible to see.

How are you going to approach this?

It was deleted as OP was quite nasty about the lady in question who has done nothing wrong apart from exist. The same nastiness wasn’t shared for her husband.

It reminds me a bit of the guy filming Keira knightly in love actually. Vomit.

Going on this retreat sounds like textbook mid life crisis and this is part of that.

I think you have to eat lentils.

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad.

These sort of "retreats" are all about "finding yourself" - a concept that can be very troublesome as it is so self-indulgent and often simply means finding someone else.

It is entirely normal for people to be attracted to people other than their spouses - we are all only human. But these sort of retreats really do attract this sort of thing. I have seen it all before - Open University summer schools are another culprit!

The important thing is what we do about it. Your OH needs to know that you are offended (quite rightly) by him mooning (in the old sense!) over this video and he needs to get his head out of the retreat mode and back into real life, where he is obliged to have consideration for your feelings. Confront him with it - tell him you are hurt by it and don't be fobbed off with bland protestations of innocence. It may well be that they did not have sex, but it is clear he would have liked to. Tell him you have found this all very destabilising and don't let him tell you you are being over-sensitive - most women would be put out by it. Stand your ground.

It is so easy for men to be bowled over by this and forget the reality of life - to forget it is you who follows him into the toilet when he has stunk the place out; and it is probably you who washes his socks! They get locked into this fantasy land and forget the relationship that is the solid basis of their life.

This is tricky to negotiate, but you are right to be concerned.

I was nasty. I apologise. I have explained myself in other posts above.

Seriously, how can you tell if someone is "looking longingly"?! 😂

It is a certain look. Like one might look at a cheese toasty*

*I'm possibly a bit drunk

They have a Whatsapp group, but I wouldn't know about any social media. I do know that DH has suddenly got very keen on cooking, and he's shared the odd photo of that kind of thing with the group. He had only expressed a vague interest before the trip. As far as I can tell, she was the only "chef", so I'm convinced he's only doing it so that she will share her own photos back, or that he's trying to appear more adventurous when it comes to food than he really is.