This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

I would go for an honest conversation, tell him this video and the sudden cooking interest and sharing to gain her attention, has sent you into panic mode, he is trying to gain her approval to strike a connection her in particular, as you say she is young and could be unaware of his intentions, other people in the group could of noticed also , it's all rather embarrassing on his part and extremely upsetting for you his dedicated wife.
Your gut is telling you all you need and on top of that you've seen evidence of an obvious crush (on his part) , they could have private banter , or she could also be taken by his attention which you picked up on in the video (by the sounds of it).
If your previous post was angry then that's how you felt in that instance, nobody should judge you , you felt this was a safe place to offload. I am sorry you are going through these emotions, you wouldn't feel like this for no reason.
You obviously love your husband and he has disrespected you and his vows, he is obviously trying to impress this woman through cooking.
Don't let this eat you up , just bring it up and tell him if it was the other way around he would be equally unimpressed and worried.

Well, I haven't found any deposits.

This might disappoint some of you (and you’ve all been great) but I’ve decided that it’s probably best to just swallow this all down and try and move on. Not a very exciting conclusion I’m afraid. I’m just so tired, and feeling this way is getting me - and our marriage - nowhere.

If you do this, it will eat away at you and come back to bite you.

Entirely your decision and we must respect that. It’s not for anyone on here to tell you what to do. You came for advice. That is all. Good of you to come back and update everyone.

Thank you x
I actually had started another thread with a new development, but folk complained that I hadn't linked back to this one or something. I don't know how and I'm pretty far on with the red wine tonight and so I can't work it out. Sorry.
X

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5189316-this-crosses-the-line-by-exactly-349-miles?reply=139096808

Gosh I read your update on your other thread. Wow! That’s a bit of a turn up. I completely understand how you feel. I’d be very concerned. There is no guarantee he will get the job of course. And there is no guarantee she would welcome any advances from him (despite being a nymphomanic gymnast 😉). I do think he is thinking with his dick, as so many men do. Honestly I think he is mentally beginning an affair. It may come to nothing or, if it all lines up, be the start of the affair he seems to be after. I do understand a desire to put your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. Can I ask if there is a reason you’ve chosen the path of least resistance? (You don’t have to answer). Are you frightened of the answer maybe? If he says yes he does fancy her? Do you generally avoid any kind of conflict? How do you resolve other contentious matters with him? Is it just this issue which you’re struggling to confront him about? (Questions for you, rather than ones you need to reply to here).

Of course it’s up to you, but this is dangerous territory now. Sharing recipes and mooning over his wank bank video are one thing. Trying to engineer a monthly visit to her home town out of the blue is entirely another. What’s that expression? “Shit’s getting real”. I think you need to find your voice and say something. This is very not OK. I hope you’re OK x

@SpaceyChapman, I just posted on your other thread where you announced the latest development. I’m not sure which thread you want to focus on.

I agree with @BustyLaRoux that your marriage is under threat. Your H is working toward having a rendezvous each month with this new woman in his life.

I believe you are doing yourself a great disservice by keeping quiet and swallowing your unsettled feelings. Strong, decisive action from you is warranted.

It's seems as though you are going to see how this plays out and you don't have any capital with your husband.

He's definitely carrying on as if you are not an important factor as to whether he had/has an affair, he's pretty secure that you won't mind or he's fallen head over heels because he's not hiding the impact that meeting her has had on him and how he is making changes to his life to try and be close and pursue her.

I understand that you want to bury your head in the sand, but you seem incredibly stressed to me, how long can you live like that? Especially as your marriage seems to be being dissolved by your husband.

Have you got friends and support in real life? Could you cope with your husband leaving you for good?
It might be worth getting professional support like therapy while this is going on, it won't change the outcome but might give you some help understanding why you don't have closeness or connection with your husband, yet are very scared he will leave you.

He’ll say – "So I considered a new job for a second, but didn’t pursue it? So what!? And I looked back at some photos that I took on holiday – big deal."

When you strip it of all context like that then I just look like a damned fool, and now that I see those words written down I feel like such a fool for wasting everyone’s time.

I know he wants to go away with this same group again at some point, and I’m going to end up so-whatting myself all the way to a mental hospital. I am going to take your advice and seek some professional support just now X

Why don’t you just confront him? You’re literally gaslighting yourself here. He doesn’t even have to gaslight you, you’re doing it to yourself! Why is your self esteem so low? Perhaps you need to work on that and get some professional help with setting and enforcing boundaries. Stop rubbishing your feelings and ignoring your intuition. Go with your gut. Your gut is telling you that at the very least you’re uncomfortable with what’s happening and what will happen if he says he’s going away with the same group again. If things are this bad atm, why not just blow it up and get it out in the open? It’s ok to have uncomfortable feelings. And you should be able to voice those to your husband and talk through them. If you can’t, why not? What is missing in your relationship that makes you feel emotionally unsafe to do so?

But if he does lie/gas-light you isn't that confirmation?

I understand you just want this not to have happened, but it is happening so please get real life support c

For those saying you need to confront him he wont tell you the truth will he. Hence you thinking you will drive yourself crazy. Keep a track of evidence on your phone. Dates and what happened. His responses your feelings. Take it to therapy. I did this and soon realised I wasn’t the crazy one. Good luck op.