This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

Op, the hugest hugs, there are some things that aren’t cheating- except they are. You need to specifically ask him about the video but by actually saying’ how would you feel if roles were reversed?’ I’m so sorry because this is totally opening a can of worms but it needs to be opened xxxxx

I wasn't very generous to either party yesterday and people let me know, but I still feel really anxious about this so I thought I'd try again.

Trust your gut. Always.

You know what this means.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about this at all, unless it was part of a pattern or there was some evidence of actual unfaithfulness.

So he really likes or admires this woman, even feels wistful perhaps that he can't have a closer friendship? Why does this matter? Surely, as someone's partner, you don't need to feel that you are everything to them, that there aren't some attractive traits in other people that your partner may find engaging?

Not everything good can be concentrated in one person.

How long is the video?

Yeah I'd be insisting on men's retreats in the future. I've been on a few and the all women's ones were great and the mixed ones were a lot of debauchery after hours!

id you speak to him about how you feel OP?

I am not accusing her of anything

Well no, she’s not your spouse.

You lost me at meditation retreat to be honest

In what way is he incredible?
He has filmed a women whilst away without a now ogling her in your company.
I agree he’s incredible… an incredible dickhead.

Go on a as retreat yourself.

I saw this post yesterday, yes he is being creepy. He is married and married men doing this kind of thing is pervy and letchy

Your DH is an old perv. Take the blinkers off.

He sounds like a disloyal, self-indulgent prick, to be honest. Nothing much ‘incredible’ about him. He’s fucked off on a ‘meditation retreat’ (leaving you home with the kids?) and come home obsessed with a pretty younger woman. What a selfish cliche.

What does he contribute to family/home life usually?

Have you posted about this before OP? Did your original thread have the word nymphomaniac in it? I would be upset about him looking at the video over and over though.

I'm afraid your husband is just some old perv. As for the pp who suggested he might not even realise he filmed the video in such a way, words fail me. Had he fallen into some trance as he filmed her? I suppose it was just some muscle spasm that made him look like a Cheshire cat while he watched it three times in front of his wife. This is simply disrespectful to you and he seems shameless about it. I would not be a cool wife over this. Strangely, it's never some middle aged woman or some chap whom they "befriend", is it? Oddly enough middle aged men seem like lemmings "befriending" young women. If their wives find out about they whine - less attractively than a hungry Labrador - about their wives not wanting them to have friends and assuring their wives that it was all platonic and their wives simply don't trust them. Frankly, it would be foolish to believe a word he says or let him out of your sight.

Not being vain, but I was considered very attractive as a young woman. I can assure you that I never thought married men off the leash were wanting sparkling conversation when they leered at me or eyed me up. Or if they did it was only a prelude to something else. I just thought these men were pathetic and never had anything to do with them. I'm only amazed that if this young woman was so entrancing she didn't have better offers from men she could simper at while aligning her chakras or whatever.

Yeah, I wasn't very generous to either party yesterday. I was just trying to convey the idea that one might reasonably find her attractive (assuming men are attracted to that) but I went a bit overboard. People put me in my place. I still felt really anxious about it this morning so I re-drafted my post.

Listen to your gut OP, this is so disrespectful and hurtful for him to have done this.

You say he's not a perv and he's incredible. I think you have the two quite mixed up.
He is quite clearly a perv if he's filming videos of some woman and that doesn't make him very incredible.

I think it’s better you are less focused on her role. She may have been smiling politely, many of us have been in this situation, kind of stuck with a man being overly nice and flirty and not wanting to be seen as a rude cow telling him to get lost. From one video there is no way to know if she was even into him or actually happy about this. So best focus on him, why is he videoing and rewatching it I don’t think you are wrong to feel uncomfortable but take her out of the equation here.

You seem fixated on her. Your DH has videoed her and is rewatching it, this is the issue.

"He's incredible" How so?

If it were me I'd go and delete the video and see how long it takes him to notice 😆 If never - great. If within a day or 2, I'd be worried

This is horrid for you op. We all look elsewhere sometimes but to witness your love doing it is heartbreaking.
Have you spoken to him about it? How did he react?
I agree I'd be tempted to delete it - see if he confronts you (he probably won't). That's enough of a message that what he did is wrong. If that's all it was then leave it there.
You could ask him if he's kept in touch with anyone and I would have a firm boundary that any new 'friends' of the opposite sex shouldn't be secret messages.
I also you should go on your own fit singles retreat x

Ps can someone link the original thread?