This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Have you been reading a Jilly Cooper novel??
Ffs, if you wanted to go on a yoga retreat and your OH said 'no, they are bonk-fests', you'd be defending your right to go where the fuck you wanted, bonk-fest or not

The way you speak about this woman isn’t particularly nice. “Conventionally beautiful” (implying she is beautiful but only in a conventional way as though both complimenting and doing her down at the same time).

“Seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive….” (As though other people might find her attractive but making the point that you yourself don’t. That’s how that comes across).

“She seemed more than happy to be the star of the video” (and?? Why is that relevant?)

To be clear this woman has not done anything wrong. You come across as being forced to acknowledge she seems nice/attractive to other people, but not to you with slightly barbed comments about her. As though she is partly to blame for turning your husband’s head. She hasn’t done anything wrong! She can enjoy being filmed. Or not. Maybe it’s an act. Maybe secretly she hates being filmed but is trying to look confident. Who knows. It doesn’t matter as you don’t know anything about her. And whether she likes it or not, it is YOUR “incredible” husband who has been filming her! Surely save your barbed comments for him. Enough with the woman bashing!

Or maybe she isn’t interested in him at all and thinks he’s a bit creepy. We don’t know anything about this woman.

I’ve done these retreats. No bonking. Definitely not a “bonk-fest”!!!! 🤣

well he's in love with the girl, that's why. I'm very sorry OP. Personally I wouldn't have wanted my DH to go off on a yoga retreat like that, no way. And you have no idea what happened.

Tbh, I don't see how a lot of lycra-ed, sweaty camel-toes or meat and 2 veg waving around in weird positions is remotely sexually attractive, but maybe I have different tastes!

Being in a group on a trip is a powerful bond. We can all get infatuated, craving to be noticed, to flirt, to be an adult separate from our responsibilities in life. The wise don't feed it, step away from the lingering looks or the texting.
I'd say it's more about himself, less about her, and if there's no planned meet ups or texting outside the group, the feelings will pass.

Really?!! I've been on several and never seen/heard/done anything inappropriate. In fact they've been really beneficial to both my wellbeing and family life.

This is such BS. Id be seriously questioning my relationship if my DH decided I wasn't allowed to go on trips that are really good for my wellbeing. I've never seen anything untoward going on at a yoga retreat.

Oh my goodness - It doesn't really matter where he met her or what words you did or did not use to describe her, if he is an old perv or not a perv, or are retreats 'shag fests'.

Lets stick to the facts here - your husband is sitting at home mooning over videos and pictures of a woman he met on holiday and is now spending time doing things to impress her and stay in contact with her online.

I'd be fucking angry and i'd tell him so.

His response would determine the outcome.

Are you concerned something happened between them?

He definitely has a crush on her, which is something we can all fall prey to, married or single. She's attractive and interesting, she possibly reminds him of you when you were first together, and he's nostalgic for those times. This, in its self is harmless.

But, has he acted on it? Has he crossed any lines and become emotionally or physically intimate with her? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you have a problem. If it's no, then it'll fade with time and become a bump in the road.

Talk to him, don't accuse him of anything, just explain to him what you've explained here. Go from there.

Read the thread.
I responded to a poster who asked why the OP 'allowed' her husband to go away for a week
My response was to ask this poster what they would do if their husband tried to stop them going away for a week, be that at an apparently sex-fuelled yoga retreat, or boring Bognor

You should have seen how OP described her in her first thread - very cruel which I’m pleased everyone picked up on so OP had it deleted.

I can't get passed going on a retreat without you. Why was that?

You're not being petty and he does sound like he's perving over her. She probably gets loads of male attention.

Yeah sorry I responded to the wrong person 😬! Bit trigger happy on a Saturday morning.. I'll have a cup of tea now 😂😂

No worries, Ive done that too! Also in an email, which is another story!
Enjoy the tea. I am on 3rd coffee already, so you can see how my day is going..
😃

See in my mind he IS 'acting on it'.

He's sat next to me watching videos of her and cooking stuff to chat about with her online ?

I'd be bursting his bubble with a cooking spatula i'm afraid.

I wouldn't not allow dh to go anywhere I just find a retreat really unusual and something we'd enjoy together. Unless it was a stag do (unlikely) or such.

Really?! I got to a yoga retreat every year and never seen a man at one. That is news to me

While we're sharing anecdotes about yoga retreats - one of my DHs brothers (long time single) went on one a couple of years ago and spent the week sleeping with a married woman who he met there.

OP it's easy:
DH you're making me feel very uncomfortable about the retreat you went on. You're looking longingly at photos/videos of one particularly woman and appear to have suddenly developed an interest in cooking to match hers. I feel like your head has been turned and you are being extremely disrespectful.

Oh no. I didn’t see that. How sad. Why do we always bash women when men are to blame? Poor woman hasn’t done anything that OP knows of other than have the audacity to be pretty, happen to be on holiday in the same place as Mr Incredible, and allow herself to be filmed in a group situation. She deserves none of this scorn or speculation that she may well have had sex with him on this “bonk-fest” retreat!!!

It’s like the wedding video in Love Actually.

I read your post and realise how incredibly painful this is for you.

I shared it with my DP who said straight away - he's smitten. She's turned his head. But it will fizzle out.

If you have ever been on a trip like that (I have done BodyCamp a few times) you will find a wide range of like minded people. Couples and singles. There is always young (and older) attractive people who shine out and are good company. Sometimes people really get on and chat more but that is where it ends.

He's clearly behaving like a fool and I do wonder why you aren't talking to him about this? Are you scared about what he will say or that he won't take your upset seriously?

I do think it's a crush. Made him feel young again or special or whatever vibe he got. But I don't see it as a threat to your marriage dependant on how you both deal with it.

I'd be in agony over this as well but I'd confront it head on and then want to move on.

An issue for me would be him going on anymore trips like this. But that is for another day. Or maybe the next one is you both?

Sending so much positivity to you my friend. You can do this. Keep going.