This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

Well then that settles it!

Maybe people were bonking but just secretly?

I don’t understand your tolerance of his behaviour. Would he accept you behav8 g like this?

He’s not hiding it - that would be more worrying. I’d go down the taking the piss route to begin with, then add its a bit disrespectful, as an aside.

Indeed! I mean, people have told anecdotes about someone they know going on a retreat and bonking away, so it must be fact!

What have you said to him and what has he told you in return?

I would ask him about it. If he gets defensive then you know your in trouble.

@SpaceyChapman seriously though, I can see you’ve acknowledged that you’ve been unfair about this woman and that’s good. It’s your husband who is behaving inappropriately and I suspect you felt very hurt and misdirected your pain at this undeserving woman. It’s good you took your original post down (which I didn’t see).

As for your husband, he’s obviously got a crush on this woman. Crushes are normal I would say. Just because we are partnered up doesn’t mean we automatically stop finding other people attractive. And she sounds perfectly lovely. So why would he not find her attractive? However, the watching on repeat videos he’s taken focusing on her is not really OK. Feigning an interest in her hobby to try and forge an ongoing friendship is inadvisable given he has a crush on her. It is disrespectful to your marriage to be doing this. I think he knows this and is doing it in plain sight to try and convince himself it’s fine really. Maybe he’s testing the water and seeing if he can get away with it.

I am a very liberal person. I don’t mind my partner telling me about his crushes. It wouldn’t bother me at all if he’d gone away and came home saying there was a gorgeous woman there he really fancied. I’d probably tease him about it!! However, if he made and watched films of her when he got home and feigned an interest in her hobby to get closer to her I would be really annoyed. So I am completely with you on this. His behaviour is well off!! Direct your hurt at him. Not her.

I think you probably need an honest conversation. Clearly he fancies her. Fine. Normal. But the making a slide show and using her photo as the title page….watching films of her on repeat. It’s creepy and disrespectful and he needs to get rid of the video, change the title page of his weird slide show, and agree never to send any messages to her. And stop being a creepy weirdo!

100% this!

An older man filming a younger women then keeps watching it

that’s creepy behaviour

she was lost likely humouring him it’s easier than telling him to stop being a creep

id say wtf and hit him over the head with a frying pan (probably)

Yes I'd do that!

Sorry op he's obviously got a crush of this "conventionally" attractive woman (that means gorgeous I assume?)

Very perverted to film her (very love actually vibes as pp said).

Delete the video (from deleted items too) and see if your incredible husband is upset or angry. I'd be wondering if he intends to keep in touch with the woman or if they have planned to meet at other retreats (or he's stalking her online to work out while ones she might go to in future).

I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation to be in, and I'm not surprised you are upset.

You made me laugh with that 😂

Sorry OP, serious thread.

The quantity of bonking/not bonking on retreats is not the point.

More than likely the two of them were on holiday together. Get asking him questions about who was all there

Be reasonable. DH has every right to enjoy new friendships with both men and women. You do. How many guy friends do you have and would it be just fine if the woman was "ugly"? Your jealousy could result in your DH doing more. At this point, DG has a video and maybe he has a great conversation with this woman. Maybe, you should communicate after you deal with your own insecurities. Sorry if this sounds cruel, but jealousy and assumption are easy cop outs. Do yourself a favor and ask DH about his new friend. Do not demand that he delete the video.

All of this.

This reads like AI

You are who you are and your feelings are your own. Never mind what anyone else thinks about how you should feel.
If you feel insecure now after seeing this video what happens when he wants to go on another retreat?
Tell him how you feel - that he needs to respect this, delete the video and consider your feelings and relationship before embarking on another such trip.

Op did you confront your dh ?

Seems reasonable.

I thought that too.

I think you need to tell him how you feel and see what happens.

Anyone who expect their partner to never fancy anyone else assuming that if they love you it just won't happen is deluded. Finding someone attractive is not the issue. It's how it's dealt with. And he's not dealing this well.

Even watching the video I could forgive if there was no chance of them ever meeting again and he'd had the respect not to do it in front of the OP. That would be little different to a celebrity crush. But to brazenly go puppy eyed in front of her and now to start fishing for WhatsApp engagement is disrespectful.

As he's quite open about it he either doesn't care how it makes the OP feel or he's so lacking in self awareness that he doesn't realise his 'harmless' antics could lead him into an emotional affair and then possibly a physical one if this woman happened to reciprocate his attention. I suspect she won't and nothing will happen but he needs to wake up and stop or risk hurting the OP and damaging his relationship.

This happened in our house. The moony look, the mentonitis. CLEARLY something up. So I talked to him, as if I was talking to a friend with a problem I wanted to help. Explained I wasn't interested in keeping him in a relationship if he wanted to be elsewhere. No asking, no accusing, just telling what I knew was real.

He was very taken back, clearly hadn't noticed I'd noticed. Didn't have a sensible explanation. But it went away, or rather she did as she moved away. The behaviour went back to normal.

Your DH has clearly developed a bit of a thing for her.

So speak to him, let him know you've noticed and that you know what this is; rather than asking him and triggering lying.

I think this is a good way of handling it.

Good luck, OP

100% filmed for the wank bank