This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

[SpaceyChapman]

My DH has just returned from a meditation retreat / adventure holiday abroad. While there he met and befriended a rather nice younger lady. There is no denying that she is conventionally beautiful and seems to have many personal qualities that people might find attractive in a woman. At the very least I can say that she is independent, athletic, adventurous, and seems to have been good company.

As DH was going through the videos of their trip, I noticed him watching one particular video over and over. Actually, it was maybe only like three times - and not in a creepy way - but he did have a sort of happy, contented look that I recognised. It was the way he used to look at me a long time ago. At first glance this is just a normal video of everyone in their group, except it’s not really is it? It pans quickly passed the backs of all their heads, passed people having a chat in the corner, and then the camera settles on the real subject of the video. It is undeniable that the subject of this particular video is her. She knows the camera is on her, looks directly at it, and smiles.

My DH is not some old perv (he’s incredible) and she seemed more than happy to be the star of the video. I am not accusing her of anything, but why would DH even film a video like this? Why would anyone? It’s not a video of the group. It's not a video of the scenery. It’s obviously a video of one person, looking radiant. Why watch it back, but why even record it?

AIBU to feel maybe just a little bit insecure? This video shouldn’t even exist.

I feel like this is all really petty now but I have such a knot in my stomach about the whole thing. You have all been great though. Such good advice, if only I was brave enough.

What would happen if you took the piss and referred to “Dave’s Crush”?

Oh you’re cooking again to impress your holiday crush! That kind of thing.

He’s trying to impress her by doing something he knows she has a special interest in. You need to get your hands round this immediately. This is pure affair development material.

Everything about this screams infatuation at the very least. He’s mooning over her photos and taking up new hobbies to catch her attention.This is so disrespectful to you and your relationship. Be prepared for him to say you’re crazy if you confront him.

I understand the whole innocent until proven guilty, but everyone who is blindly defending the woman who the OPs husband fancies, how do you know nothing happened between them on this trip? The only ones who know are the OPs husband and the woman. Yes he may just be being really insensitive to the OP by being abit starry-eyed over this woman or for all we know he's already spent the night with her on this trip and is pining over her now he's back home to reality.

I still get the feeling you are blaming her ...for what who knows. And you say he's not an old perve, I think that's exactly what he is.

@SantasRubiksCube no it wasn’t that. OP was very distracted by how attractive this lady was and did not take it well in the first thread. Being attractive isn’t a crime and there is no way of knowing the lady did anything wrong. She may have just been polite and tolerant. It’s not worth focusing on her because OP has no info about her or her intentions, she is married to the man who is upsetting her. Also, if he cheated on OP, would this woman even know he was married? See you can’t start focusing on the female it is a waste of energy unless you know any of the info about her. That’s speculation and assumption, what OP does know is that her DH appears to have a crush on another woman

Do you mean brave enough to confront him?

@SpaceyChapman, your peace of mind is of primary importance. Sitting by and swallowing your distress is extremely corrosive, so I urge you to address what you’ve observed and how you feel about it.

You know your H. Alarm bells are ringing because his boundaries have weakened for this woman. He’s enchanted and has chosen to nurture and fuel his infatuation by videoing her for future gazing/fantasizing and by attempting to engage her once home with photos of himself cooking (her special interest or profession). There’s a good chance they will move to private messaging.

He is massively disrespecting you and your marriage, @SpaceyChapman. Express your discomfort/assert your boundaries before this goes further.

There is no indication whatsoever that this lady has done anything wrong so why blame her for simply existing?

Your husband is the only one out of line here.

You sound lovely op but also naive. Yoga retreats are well known hook up opportunities. It provides a great excuse, it's physical, people can get personal very quickly. There he is filming another woman, hiding the film from you. He's incredible alright. An incredible bullshitter!

Well, he’s not doing a very good job of hiding it from her…she’s seen him look ‘longingly’ at it 3 times! And what is ‘neck down alopecia?’

He's so infatuated he's actually watching it in front of you. Why not just watch it while he's out or locked in the bathroom? Yuk.

I'm wondering why your husband was going abroad on a meditation adventure trip without you. Is that usual? I can understand a couple of days away for a meeting to do with work or something, or a sporting event, that happens, but what you describe sounds like an idyllic escape from mundane life. I'm sure most of us would all like to do that at times but generally don't without our spouses and it's not always practical or even affordable.

If he goes on things like that he is bound to meet people with whom he bonds and will remember with affection.

I don't know what to think, I suggest you talk to him and find out where he's at.

I go to quite a few ‘alternative spiritualility’ type things OP, and the middle aged men there are exactly like any other. They ignore the middle aged women and chase after the younger, pretty women.

Your H must have felt like the top dog if he is the one that won her attention.

Yoga retreats are well known hook up opportunities. It provides a great excuse, it's physical, people can get personal very quickly

The middle aged men hitting on younger women at spiritual things that I mentioned above? Yup, alternative spirituality things are great stomping grounds for these men as the required vibe at these events is love and connection. Which means the younger women can’t just tell these men to fuck off or freeze them out. The have to reply with smiles and welcomes.

I think I’d be going into investigation mode op. Before raising it with him. If his infatuation carries on you know you have a problem. She may not even be interested it may be all him. But it seems his head has turned.

There’s another thread on here from a woman who has just come back from a Wellness retreat without her spouse/children…so, it happens 🤷‍♀️

It’s perfectly normal for people to go on trips relating to their hobbies which aren’t shared by their spouse. Some hobbies require trips away to partake in events. Some are even in idyllic locations!

Yes it’s human to be attracted to other people but “incredible” men do not disrespect their wives

Confront the situation head on; this will only manifest and get worse

What does this mean??

Do you not let your husband go away without you? Are you a Victorian?
If a man wrote that opening sentence, there would be an outcry!

@ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood It’s obvious what it means - it means if the OP leaves it and doesn’t voice her concerns then the massive crush he has will have time to flourish and develop.

OP he’s utterly infatuated with her. Address it.

Wasn't a trip to Petra was it?

Oh, I see. Of course it will manifest into a full-blown affair. Because looking at something always manifests into a thing