AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

We’re also a three with no living grandparents on either side so have never had a TV/Insta style family Christmas.

You just need to add some imagination into the proceedings and plan ahead.

DH is Mr Christmas in our house. He starts planning in January, buying things in the sales and squirrelling them away. In early December he spends hours/days putting up fairy lights absolutely everywhere. There’s virtually no need for ordinary room lights as it’s so bright indoors.

He’ll buy fun stocking filler stuff for me too so when we do presents on Christmas Day, I’ve got a bag full too. I came from a family where you only got one gift as an adult so this was a shock initially.

Honestly, you have to stop moping and feeling envious of others who probably aren’t having a better time and put some effort into making your own fabulous traditions. You can do this!!

Same here, I did this for me and my child. When my parents were alive we would go to them for Christmas but it was always really tense and fraught as my dad was a deeply troubled person with a cruel tongue who could and did ruin many a Christmas. What I would do for me and child was to do us both a little dinner of our favourite food at home, just things we loved to eat not traditional Christmas stuff. We would have our gifts at home so that we did not have to pack them to take away and them bring them back plus the gifts we get at my parents. It is an awful thing to say but I began to enjoy Christmas much more after my father died. And before anyone jumps on me for saying that I have not gone into any details about my childhood and his behaviour when I was growing up and this is not the thread to do this on

Thinking about things for one child:
Panto to get in the mood or look forward to after the event.
A book and hot chocolate on Christmas Eve
Games for two
Their favourite foods at some point on Christmas Day
Their favourite movie or series.
Loads of Christmas craft activities if they enjoy them.
An after lunch walk somewhere special.
My favourite Christmas as an adult was when both my children were working in hospitality and I spent a very happy day learning to make a new lace.
Enjoy your Christmas.

This sounds heavenly, my idea of a perfect Christmas

First off, don't put too much pressure on yourselves to make Christmas "special".

I am sure that if you just spend time with your son, that will be the best Christmas ever for you all. If you play with him, maybe do a boardgame, bake cookies, make hot chocolate and watch some of his favorite shows, do a few gifts, allow him to help with the decorating; he will have lovely time.

The possibilities are endless, but be sure not to over do it. Make sure that your Christmas is for resting as well.

OP I am a family of three. We spend Xmas eve and Xmas day on our own and it is so magical. We take a walk/drive looking for Xmas lights in our area then home for hot choc and marshmallows before tracking Santa on NORAD. DS goes to bed and DH and I do last minute tidy up and prep.

Xmas morning we all open stockings on our bed (DS now knows these are prepped by me and DH and not Santa). We then take a leisurely time getting showered and dressed into nice clothes before church (that's personal to us) then back home to watch a bit of telly while DS plays with whatever is in his stocking. Main presents are opened after lunch and then we either play games or watch a Xmas movie while chomping on all the xmas chocs.

We don't have a "Christmas dinner" as such. Most years DS has Fish fingers and chips and we'll either have steak or pie and chips.

There is no right or wrong way to do Christmas, you find what works for you and your family. The thought of having DH ensconced in the kitchen all day cooking Xmas lunch fills me with dread so we simply have easy oven cook food. Leaves more time to get sloshed on Bucks fizz and Bailey's <hic>

I was an only DC and DS is also an only. Both sides of my family lived miles away growing up and so we never saw anyone. Never bothered me remotely. I was an only child all year round so why would Christmas have been any different 🤷‍♀️ Once I was a little bit older we started going out for Christmas lunch and I think that was nice for my DMum not having to cook every year, but whilst I was small I just enjoyed watching Christmas films and playing with all my new toys.

I grew up in a family where it was just us 4 every christmas. We never did the extended family, noisy crowd round a table like you see on TV.
Mums family lived hours away, and although interested, Grandma was in poor health.
Dad family lived an hour away, but weren't really interested in doing anything beyond the odd duty visit.

I'm with others and I'd just make your own traditions and make it nice for just the three of you, whether that means going away for Christmas, playing silly games and dancing around the house to Christmas music, curling up and watching your favourite Christmas movies, eating all the chocolate etc as long as your little one is having the best time with you that's all that matters :)

This thread has reminded me I actually really do love Christmas. Sometimes dipping into Mn makes me feel it’s all too much misery: SIL wants the meal to suit her DC’s nap but it’s completely unsuitable for DH’s IBS; mil overcooks the veg and her gravy is sloppy so should we go NC?; I mean why should I have to have sloppy gravy when it’s my Christmas too!!? ; last year everyone gave crappy gifts so should we choose purposefully crappy gifts this year?

I think the reason this has been such a nice thread is actually, op, because people have focused on the smaller Christmases. So you don’t need a big bash ( with sloppy gravy, crappy gifts and a bossy SIL!) to make it special.

Simple things can be lovely … speaking of which, what are favourite Christmas film suggestions? We like Klaus, Nightmare Before Christmas, Christmas Chronicles in the run up, then old family movies like Oliver or Annie on the day ( which we used to watch when grown ups were preparing the meals.) I’d add Matilda to that for this generation. But would love further suggestions. ETA and Paddington - the more Christmassy one

We never did the extended family, noisy crowd round a table like you see on TV.

Quite. I never assumed real people had those kinds of massive family gatherings that are shown on Eastenders, just like real people don't have funerals with horse-drawn hearses and hundreds of mourners.

Christmas was always a nice time for me as a child, despite the rest of the year generally being a bit crap. I would have hated to have loads of relatives in the house, especially as my dad's large family were all pretty unpleasant.

Oh and Christmas Story about the boy who grows up to become St Nick!

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We only have one child and we are SO EXCITED for her first Christmas. We don't particularly enjoy time with our families and find it very stressful for similar reasons. We would rather have it in our own but the family INSIST they must come 🙄 so we're keeping the morning for ourselves and telling them they can visit in the afternoon if they want to but we won't be going anywhere and we won't be cooking. We've hosted many Christmases and it's so bloody stressful! This year we just want to enjoy our daughter in peace.

My idea of a perfect Christmas is just the three of us doing our own thing as a family without all the nagging and arguing that comes with grandparents uncles and aunties, but then we are both introverts and prefer our own company.

Try to see it from a different perspective, your son isn't missing out, he's going to be enjoying having fun with his parents and having them all to himself and you don't have to put up with whinging relatives!

We've always had Christmas just the 3 of us and it's always been wonderful. Kids just want to play with their new toys on Christmas day, not be off visiting relatives IME.

@billytiina Another suggestion here is to start buying Christmas books , not all THE Christmas story - though one would be nice if you can find one that is beautifully illustrated as it is a lovely story even if you aren’t aChristian - but picture story books with a Christmas theme. There are lovely ones about, but read them in the bookshop first because some are meh, and avoid any written by a celebrity because they will be double meh. Read one a night finishing on the night before Christmas eve, have them around for a few days, then pack them away until next year, when you get them out again, plus a new one or two.

I also have a very small family and sometimes feel sad my kids have never had a big family Xmas, but TBF, they can be a nightmare. And nothing nicer than being able to chill in pyjamas Xmas Day.

A few ideas for traditions:

Do lots of Xmas things during December to make it feel special. The advantage of having one child is you can more easily afford things that’d be expensive for more than one. Trip to pantomime, light shows in parks, Xmas fayres and markets, ice skating, Xmas cinema trip. My Nan and Great Aunt used to take their kids every October half-term for a big day out to the shops, looking at toys and visiting Santa displays. Then, while they were having a drink, one would pop back and buy the favourite toy they’d seen. Though presents can be ordered online, it’s exciting for kids to look at toy displays and you can see what they like most.

Meet up with friends in December before they’re with family. Go to some of the above together, so your son can be with other kids. Invite them round for the evening to play games. Meet for winter walks and hot chocolate. You should have chance to make more local friends with kids once your DS is established at school and in clubs.

Start traditions of Xmas baking with your DS. My DSs still love baking. We have a cardboard template for a gingerbread house we use every year. You can make biscuits to decorate the tree. Or even Xmas cake and Xmas pudding on stir up Sunday, mince pies etc. Tons of ideas online. Decorate boxes and deliver some to your next-door neighbours and invite them to pop in for a cuppa over the Xmas season if they’re at home. It’s great for kids to know neighbours well.

If your son makes tree decorations/crackers at school, keep them and write the year on the back, however rubbish they are (makes them funnier later). Keep anything people give him in December that can be hung on the tree. Little cars, teddies etc. We even have a random bauble a waiter in an Italian restaurant gave my son as a toddler. Then, every year, preferably as part of a special day out, take him to a shop with lots of Xmas decorations and ask him to choose only one tree decoration for himself. Write the year somewhere discrete. Each year, when you decorate the tree, you can talk about the memories of him making or getting the decoration. And you’ll have a lovely, growing, eclectic mix of meaningful decorations.

After all that, by Xmas Eve/Day, you’ll be glad to snuggle up just the three of you. I suggest having brunch after opening presents, then a nice walk around midday so he can let off steam (we used to drop cards into neighbours Xmas lunchtime cos I’d have only just got them written!). Then come back and cook your dinner for about 5pm. If you’re cooking all morning, by the time you’ve eaten, it’s too dark to go out and the day can feel a little depressing and kids can get cabin fever. In mid-winter the best part of the day is midday.

Enjoy!

I have a sibling but we didn't have a close relationship and tended to play separately on Christmas. Our Christmases were always just the 4 of us and my main memories are of helping my mum make the meal and I made menus and namecards. I'm sure DS won't be sad as long as the three of you build some lovely traditions - favourite films, music, board games, festive activities, hot chocolates, maybe a walk, etc etc.

If you want more people around, maybe try to build a tradition with your friends that's not actually on Christmas? It's lovely to give children a lifelong community of people who know and care for them (and I don't think siblings are the only or best way to do that!)
Do you have any local friends who also have only children - could your DC play together in the afternoon, or Boxing Day/Christmas Eve? Does DS have godparents who you could start an annual tradition with?
You could check with your neighbours and see if anyone will otherwise be alone who'd like to pop in for an afternoon mince pie and hot chocolate?

if he has a loving mom and dad I can’t see the problem. I don’t really see my family at Christmas either but we have a great time. Make the most of what you have and don’t resent what you haven’t got.

Please don’t think we are all having the most amazing Christmas celebrations.
we are not. We make the best of it.

If it was me I would make it fun for you. Christmas Eve box pjs hot chocolate Christmas films and nibbles. Pop a stocking in his room for first thing. Yummy breakfast off to the park or a walk weather permitting. Colouring books Christmas theme. Lovely dinner with games or a jigsaw and then sandwiches and watch something fun or let him do something he wants. Christmas is what you make it, having the people you love and doing things you enjoy is way more special than trotting to relatives who you don’t have to see.

panto on christms eve is good..(as long as you n dh wanna get involved in the audience participation and make it fun). We had a bbq christmas dinner one year(just me and ds2)he helped set up living room picnic area n we just played with his new stuff n watched movies n danced at night. its really whatchu make it.

Your ds has got you and dh. He doesn't really need any of the others, except in passing.

My dad's parents were strong characters. They were both chainsmokers, and the house smelled strongly of chip fat and smoke. They worked hard and did well, but they weren't warm people. They were always arguing with each other.

It didn't really matter. Kids aren't perfectionists. 🤣 Also, there is part of me that thinks it is good to have characters in the family, even if all it does is make you breathe a sigh of relief when they're gone.

My other grandparents were lovely, admittedly. But kids are very narcissistic. As long as thete was a gift somewhere in the equation, no matter how small, we just went along with it all. Mum always slaved away in the kitchen cooking for everyone. I feel bad now but at the time ho estly we just didn't know any difference. When I was old enough I helped all I could, but it never took the mental load.

Dad has passed away now, and I'm just grateful for all the time we had together, and all the memories we have. All the details have faded into oblivion and don't seem important at all.

I know it sounds trite, but just be grateful for your little family. Make sure you only do aa much entertaining as you want to, within reason, so it creates less resentment.

To make the day special, just the three of you, have a stocking of small gifts from Santa to open first thing, then a nice breakfast. Maybe get dressed in comfy but fun Christmas clothes and open the big presents from each other, and maybe go for a walk in a local park/woods, either before or after Christmas dinner, and finish with a favourite Christmas film in PJs together on the sofa.

We did something similar during lockdown and it's one of our favourite Christmases!

Hi op,

Please don’t think like that! :)
You guys are his world and he wouldn’t know anything else. Just keep the shit show at bay and have him a GREAT Christmas. You’d enjoy and when he is older you can tell him why on earth it was always the three of you 🤣🤣 Will make some good laugh.

Good luck 🌺