AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

My moto is that every tradition started with a single event. Pick something you want to do not Xmas day but the weekend before after during even boxing day and invite friends to it. If no one wants to do it still do it and think of something again next year.

I love to BBQ and people are just used to it just being a summer activity but winter can be cold but dry. Have your own Xmas market Brats and mulled wine, Baked camembert and a bird’s trifle made with the kids invite friends with kids and get a fire pit going. Couple of Jager’s to warm up We’ve done this on many occasions between Xmas and new year. My friends’ kids all play with mine and their new toys is just an excuse to get together and we have good take up each year of different families that are not doing anything else.

DH parent did a few min breaks mostly when he was a teen - he's an only child he enjoyed them in hotels abroad.

Presents - Christmas dinner can help cook it - vary what you have each year - TV/ board games/computer games and then walk or quick visits family and tea there are load of platter savory and dessert and get those out for tea.

You can do panto/light/cinema day either side.

DH did do a few big Christmases with IL cousin but not sure he was wowed by them - traveling eating other people's food best behavior. As adult he's very much preferred us and kids rather than extended family or traipsing up and down country for family visits.

@billytiina In a similar lack of family situation here. In-laws are passed, so is my dad but luckily have my mum. SIL leaves abroad, her children are late teens/adults now and they come to see us unless we offer to pay which I’m a bit sick of as nursery is wiping us out and it’s clear that have spare income for all sorts of new clothes, hair styles, nails, eyelashes and days out when I’ve been unable to afford the hairdresser in a year! But we are making lovely traditions, ceramic Christmas decoration making at the ceramic cafes - get your son to make a new dec each year with the year on it. Making gingerbread themed snacks/decorations, I’ll link the book I use below. Festive walks in near by cities for Christmas light displays and shop fronts. You could always do a FaceTime with your parents if you don’t want to go to their homes on Christmas Day. I grew up with lots of cousins and very large family Christmases. None of them are interested now unless you’re the one providing the food and drink, they never want to chip in for the cost and happy to be waited on. I can’t be bothered with it anymore. I used to run about like a headless chicken and be exhausted, need to enjoy my own Christmases with my son whilst he’s young and it still feels magical.

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/gingerbread-wonderland-book-mima-sinclair-9780857833204?sku=GOR007173926&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIA7aV65lAqqKeBi-exY-RdqG&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIn4nkx5iQiQMV-JNQBh0dGCnSEAQYDCABEgIJZ_D_BwE

We are a family of three, we open stockings in the morning in bed with a cup of tea, have breakfast, put on Christmas jumpers and go for a walk with the dog and wish everyone out in the woods a happy Christmas, come back to start lunch, open the fizz and take turns to open presents with Christmas music. We get to focus on what we like for Christmas rather than fitting in with others and neglecting spending time with our child.

Your ds has you!!! Board games, Christmas tv and food and walks to see lit up houses etc are what make a Christmas!!

We normally rotate Christmas, us, in laws, my parents but this year the kids have asked that it is just us again. I think they enjoy the time to chill, no ‘pressure’ to be social and eating what foods they want… we do parts of a traditional Christmas dinner but not the bits they don’t like

Not sure why you have Christmas in the title. Surely what you’ve listed are year round problems. If you can’t change it then you need to accept and make the best of what you have. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on Christmas and bought into the family aspect of it but there are other ways to celebrate

To be honest I think it would be lovely being at home, doing exactly what you want all day.

We try and see everyone and be fair with sharing the time out between both sides and who travels etc. It can be quite political (not from us we are very easy going) but it is tiring and we always end up compromising on something x

AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

How do you know so much about the dynamics of each friend’s family? You have no idea about what issues they may be facing. Stop idealising other people’s Christmases. Yours could be amazing if you stopped wallowing. I would love Xmas to be just us four. But it never has been or will be.

We have 2 DC, but with a slightly bigger age gap and last Christmas the LO was still a baby. Things we do/did with eldest only - treat breakfast - big chocolate puff pastry in a Christmas tree shape, hot chocolate (with Christmas themed sprinkles, marshmallows, cream - the works), fruits. Opening presents. New board game - we'd spend 1-2h throughout the day playing with it. Baking/preparing pudding with DC - this could be anything that involves DS cracking eggs, adding ingredients and mixing.

Christmas music and playing with new toys while one of us starts prepping starters and lunch.

A new Christmas jigsaw, more hot chocolate, a Christmas film or two, more playing with DS and the day is gone 🤷🏻‍♀️

We only do Christmas at home now. Sometimes we host different relatives, sometimes it's just us, but we always do the same things regardless

I agree with lots of the posts that you can make our own traditions with ust the three of you.

But, I'd also say, explore different alternatives too. if you like the idea of a "bigger" christmas, start paying attention - you might be surprised how many people are also feeling like their christmas's are a bit small because of a lack of family and who would love to arrange something with you. Growing up, we didn't have extended family but we did have loads of family friends or other "orphans" at Christmas and I miss those days. I have a friend who I think would LOVE to do christmas with us and vice versa but we simply don't have space by the time we've got all our family round. We'll probalby do something with them and a couple of other family friends in the days before or after - I'm thinking of a sort of open house one afternoon for example with lots of christmassy snacks and maybe some buffet style slow cooked pork/lamb and rolls for peopel to eat as they like.

Or go away. Dh and I are hoping to be able to take the kids to New York for Christmas one year - we think it will be really fun but too expensive for us right now. We have family in other countries so we've often travelled for Christmas for that but even without family, a nice Christmas in a lovely hotel in one of the German speaking countries, with markets etc, would probably be super fun. Or turn it on its head and go to the Southern Hemisphere and have a hot christmas or hit Disney!!

Quite honestly, we do Christmas with family every year and while I do like it, I prefer the years where it works out that it's not JUST family for whatever reason. It creates a more fun dynamic.

Hi OP,
You don’t have to have a huge family around to have a great Christmas and start some traditions! Here are some of the things I did as a child, do now and would have done if I’d been in my DSDs life when she was younger:

Run up to Christmas
Make some Christmas cards. Can be potato printed penguins, feet turned into reindeer with googly eyes, whatever. You do this every year (it’s tradition!)
If you can, each of you take your DS to buy the other one a gift. Can be somewhere like B&M and for a tiny amount, important thing is that your DS chooses it and wraps it.
My parents would take us for a drive in the evening and look at all the Christmas decs in town and in people’s houses. Something exciting about wrapping up and going out at night.
Start building up an advent calendar of Christmas books. If you already have some, wrap them up and open and read a new one every evening.
Christmas Eve - Go out! Sometimes it would be for a drink and cake, sometimes a meal (depending on finances). Go home, early bath and pjs, Christmas Eve box if you want one and watch a movie together. We watch the same ones every year.
Sprinkle some reindeer food outside (bored seed and edible glitter!).
Put carrot, milk and mince pie for Santa and Rudolph, quick check to see that he’s on his way!
Must do - read a Night Before Christmas with just a candle for extra excitement. Early(ish) bed, so you can both do all the veg prep etc for the next day, and set up your living room (or wherever you open presents)…
sprinkle some icing sugar (snow) and get some large shoes to make Santa’s footprints. Put some extra fairy lights up. If you can, when you know you don’t have to go in that room again, seal up the door with wrapping paper which your DS will love crashing through in the morning!

Christmas Day - what YOU choose! I would go with some presents, then one of you goes for a walk with DS while the other does the food stuff. Local park is great if you can, DS will have lots of swings etc to himself and will love shouting Merry Christmas to everyone. Back home, play with toys.
Lunch, lots of crackers, Christmas movie…

Boxing Day - if DS has lots of gifts I would spread them out over here too. Then dressing up in smart clothes, it’s time for a kitchen disco!

not sure if these are to your taste, OP, but hopefully some fun ideas that you can do every year and start some lovely traditions.

Well then why don't you do that 🙄

I get how you feel OP...the big family Xmas is pushed as the ideal with everyone talking about seeing family and every commercial showing a happy group. It's hard actually. But, make the day special for the three of you.
We have a big Xmas breakfast.
Xmas movie in the afternoon, Christmas music playing
Long walk with the dog
Ginger bread house/Xmas baking
Stupid sized bird which lasts forever but makes the table look festive.
Ridiculous games like wind up Penguins racing - find a new one each year for a lark.
Christmas Eve is ice skating or some other Christy event.
DD now at Uni...and loves Christmas (and yes, we still do Gingerbread house and Christmas baking...).

I was an only child for 8 years, so whilst it did change for me, I had had 8 Christmases as one!

It was always just a great day, Christmas music on, presents, chocolate for breakfast, no rules 😂 Christmas dinner, board games, Christmas TV.

If you’ve got a dog then an afternoon walk to break it up a bit. I’ve always loved Christmas and Christmas Day never involved other family members. I’m 32 now, I still love Christmas and this will be our first with DD. We will go to my mums as will my sister, but it’ll be like when we were kids again ❤️. Christmas’s haven’t changed for us.

We always go to the Christingle service at the local church on Christmas eve (despite not being religious) it's super Christmassy. Followed by a torch walk and a hot chocolate and some nice food. I'd also recommend making clove oranges (basically just some large oranges that you stick whole cloves in and put them in a bowl on a sideboard, they smell divine and are easy for little hands to manage). Christmas movies or a game. Our kids are all now grown but still love all of these.

I don't have any family (they're all dead) and my 6 year old has an amazing time. We go on the Polar Express, Santa's grotto, christmas markets and go and choose a real tree together, I make her a christmas eve box with christmassy activites in, christmas is a feeling ❤️

Ooh yes OP, drive around to look at all the Christmas lights too. The first to spot lights has to shout "Merry Christmas". kids love shouting!

It's just me and ds 13. We make our own traditions.

Because we have no family we throw a Christmas party each year in December and have all of our friends over.

It's both our favourite part of Christmas! It feels like a way to thank the amazing people in our lives for being our family. 💕

Yes thank you, just an acknowledgment sometimes that I feel DS misses out while many have harshly pointed out that it could be much worse, which I obviously get but I'm talking in relation to my feelings and my circumstances

No-one's family is perfect - i think if you dug a little deeper the picture perfect image of everyone else's wouldn't hold. all of the "issues " you have with yours sound perfectly normal so you either accept them or spend it on your own.
For what its worth i realised that my idyllic christmas was not my DS's - He likes being alone with just me and his dad (tbh probably at 14 without either of us) and the big family christmas is hard work for him. As a little one we always spent Xmas morning at home as family time and thats what he remembers

YABU because I doubt he could care less about the rest of the family as long as you provide him with a wonderful christmas with nice food and presents.

That the rest of the family is "cray-cray" has nothing to do with him at this stage. He will have to deal with it in years to come, but for now just let him enjoy being in kid world.

My in-laws are a shit show too
Christmas is what you make it with your own family in your own home.
Children rarely want to be dragged away from home on Christmas Day anyway.
I can't be bothered to get upset about my in-laws it's their choice and their loss
Your child doesn't know any different so it will be normal for them
Relax and enjoy it

Try to look at the small family Christmas as a blessing rather than a curse. You can do exactly what you want. Lots of women on here stressing about getting it all perfect and rubbish/demanding parents to deal with. Meanwhile you'll be gliding around like a swan stress free!

I'm so glad you have a dog. I'd be making him a special Christmas collar!