AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

I don't know how old your DS is but he doesn't need other kids to play with at Xmas, you and/or your DH can be his plamates. Engage with him in his favourite activities, do a board game together if he is old enough, watch a Xmas movie/cartoon whilst snuggling on the sofa with a hot chocolate.
Get him involved in cooking, bake some Xmas biscuits together, play Xmas songs, be cosy, make a fuss of him and the gifts (even if small) etc.
There is plenty you can do to make it magical, he doesn't need to have other kids playing with him for that to happen.
I have very happy memories of Xmas when I was a kid and I was always the only child in the family.

OP we also only have 1 child (an adult now) and we've had many Xmas's just us 3.
My parents died before he was born and in laws live long haul flight away and are a different religion so Xmas isn't their festival.
I have a sister an hour away but honestly not having to go somewhere Xmas day is great.
Start your own traditions, have some lovely food, board games/quizzes and watch a lovely Xmas movie.
Best bit of not travelling ? Your ds gets to play with his new toys all day!.
One rule is make sure one of you is playing with ds with his new stuff, that means more than anything

I feel for you. Our families are similar. One parent we have cut contract with, the other three it is often tempting. It is worse for us than the kids. We shield them and get the blame. Put your foot down and have your perfect Christmas with just you three, it can be lovely.

Elderly parents. Can’t leave them alone really.

Christmas is tough for so so many people for lots of different reasons. He will be ok and you can make it magical. Ideas;

• Base traditions around stuff you don’t usually do - make pizza together and eat it on a picnic blanket in front of a film, roast marshmallows over a tea light etc.
• consider a children’s church service (even if you’re not religious)
• have a dance to Christmas tunes
• all wear Christmas jumpers and go for a walk
• forage for some Holly and make some little Christmas posies together
• do a Christmas Eve treasure hunt and one of you ask him to do one for the other parent (even better if there is a chocolate or small gift at the end)
• invite a friend over for them on Christmas Eve or go for a walk with a friend on Boxing Day if possible
• ask him to design part of the day and facilitate what he asks.

Put the effort into making it fun and unusual if you have the effort to spare.

We have a large extended family but my kids always prefer the christmases when it’s just us. We have our own traditions that we created when they were small that we sometimes have to miss if we are doing the extended family Christmas.

The things we do are: Christmas Eve family nativity service in our local church, supper out and wander around the Christmas lights on Christmas Eve, midnight mass on Christmas Eve, opening stockings on our bed Christmas morning, Christmas Day service at St Paul’s Cathedral, Boxing Day panto.

All very simple things centred around church even though we don’t go to church any other time of the year! But they have become our little traditions that make Christmas special just because we do them every year.

Find your own traditions and don’t worry about extended family.

Our perfect family Christmas is get up, open stocking in PJs, play with those things then get ready whilst DH starts the lunch and makes a quick but special breakfast (he loves cooking). Then slowly open gifts under the tree (not loads) to Christmas music. Message friends. Eat most delicious meal of the year then weather permitting walk or ride any new bikes or scooters. Come home play new video games, watch King's speech, a Christmas movie. Eat turkey sandwiches. We are introverts and this is perfect. We have two kids but they are widely spaced in age and this worked with oldest before youngest was born. We are busy all year and she loves time just to play with new toys and bake or ride her bike.

Christmas Eve we have a Christmas Eve box, often go the theatre and track Santa on NORAD.

Its about family Christmas but its not about family Christmas. Its about grief over the missing great grandparents, the “missing” future siblings for ds, the imagined missing life that is bigger than just you three. Its natural to grieve that. But in the end we get the life we make from the choices we make, even if we would have liked other choices.

Please don't worry about your DC.. He doesn't see what you see at Christmas so will be excited no matter what his family Christmas is
My own 3 DC only had me and my exh around( family issues on his side and my parents died at early ages)
They always loved Christmas and look back fondly as adults

Do kids really think that deeply about this stuff or are we, as adults, projecting? I was an only child with no grandparents or extended family and it never occurred to me that I was sad or different because of it. Same with my son. He was an only child. His dad left when he was 2 and from then on it was just me, him and my mother who lived with us. We always had nice Christmases, went to see Santa etc. I don't think either I or my son are damaged.

Christmas is what you make of it. Our family all live abroad so its just us every Christmas and we make it special. Of course it would be nice to have family around, and sometimes someone flys in....but we always enjoy it regardless.

Perfectly put by @Soxersandbocks - “Christmas is a feeling”. I have such fond memories of how I felt at Christmas as a child. Not what we did, who we were with, or what presents I got. But I felt so happy. And now Christmas makes my heart sing still.

TV pushes the “ideal” - big happy family around a table, having a wonderful time. But it doesn’t show the stress of hosting, falling out with family members, arguments etc. Also the disappointment that it wasn’t what you had hoped.

We go for a drive and see Christmas lights, we’ll decorate a shop bought gingerbread house. Stick together paper chains, make some Christmas cards, decorate the tree. I see the whole of December as Christmas, well even longer than that, well into January. It takes the pressure off Christmas Day.

Start Christmas Eve and watch a Christmas movie, have some hot chocolate and allow them to open a small gift (such as a Christmas themed book to read at bedtime). Put some reindeer food out at night (various people sell it packaged up for Christmas) in the garden, leave a carrot and a mince pie for Santa.

You could also let them help decorate the tree too. If you buy a real tree, go to a tree farm and choose one with them.

Christmas day, just enjoy them opening their gifts, have a lovely lunch and wrap up and go for a nice walk walk.
Some friends of ours have an open house Christmas morning until 1.00pm (they eat in the evening) and people pop over for a drink at various times. It's lovely, another friend does the same on Christmas Eve. Not sure how practical this is but could you invite friends over for a drink on Christmas Eve, or maybe meet up with friends on Boxing day?.

I hope it turns out to be a lovely day, making your own traditions.

How about a scavenger hunt round the house with clues to the main present?

People are awful for saying bad things about only children. My DD was a very happy only child before her sister came and honestly we were way better parents not being so busy all the time! She has benefited so much from her time when we could focus all our combined parenting efforts on her and she isn't spoilt or entitled. Also with two the bickering is just awful - I though a huge age gap would mean I escaped that but no if they're in the same room together something will go wrong. I feel so guilty about my poor second child and how she is only gets time with just her chilled parents focusing on her is when her big sister is away! There are big benefits of being an only! Financial too!

Yes you have summed it up very eloquently.
And also resentment that I was there for all my nephews Xmas, took them on days out, was dragged along to soft play etc etc and DS gets ten minutes for his birthday and that's it in 6 months from my sisters family. We are treated like a nuisance that has to be endured. It's that more than the Christmas itself.

Growing up both my mum and dads sides of the family were lovely, but we still usually just spent Christmas at home as our family of 4. Loved it that way, but I guess that’s what I was used to.
And now, both mine and my partners parents are amazing, but this year we want to spend Christmas Day just the three of us (with DS). It’s lovely having a small Christmas and making your own traditions.

Have you ever thought about going away? Ski-ing, Lapland type thing if funds allow. Magical for Christmas x

alternatively, food for 3, snuggle up on sofa and watch all the telly, play all the board games , have all the quality street and turn the phone off!

x

I think you’ll make it fine by spending all day playing with him and adoring him. He’ll remember that so fondly when he’s older. It’s the quality of the love that counts not just the quantity remember.

I hear you. We don't really have a family that is close and all gets together at xmas. It's about setting your own agenda.

On the 1st of December I put some new pyjamas on their beds with their advent calendar (although I draw the line at matching and the adults do not wear them!).
I also buy those festive hot chocolate selections in the week before so they have one of those every night.

We always do something on Christmas eve - last year we went to see Elf the musical, this year, it's panto, year before it was just a meal out - the buzz in the air is nice and festive. Then home to put out a carrot and beer for Santa - neither of my kids believe anymore but it's just a silly ritual!

We always get our favourite breakfasts for xmas day morning - everyone can choose their own favourite.

We go to a footy match in between xmas and new year - some of the smaller local teams are great days out.

If we have the budget, possibly a few nights away somewhere although the older they get, the more they want to see friends between xmas and new year so this doesn't happen very often any more.

Big walk out somewhere in the woods/countryside on new year's day, followed by roast dinner.

Have a lovely family day Christmas Eve with hot chocolate baking and putting stocking up. A nice Christmas day setting up new toys you get to play with him and new toys. Boxing Day book a pantomime or do a country walk he’s your complete focus don’t feel bad for him just be present he has plenty that’s good go and look at Christmas lights he will have warm amazing memories and feel loved.

There are some very supportive groups on Facebook for parents of only children - usually a mix of one and done by choice and not. It could be a reassuring space for you - try Moms of only children.

Also Dr Michelle Tolfrey on instagram often posts about how it feels to parent one child not by choice.

I think once you’ve had some space to process how your family looks, emotive times like Christmas will feel more manageable.

Go online (Facebook is usually helpful for events) and find out what all the free/low cost local Christmas events are in December. Arrange a few play dates to go do these things with his friends. (if you are worried about the no sibling aspect)

At 5, just going to local department store or garden centre etc to look at trees and decorations can be a magical and exciting experience.

Get him to help pick decorations and help decorate. Do Christmas crafts. Read loads of Christmas books.

Id say don’t worry so much about ‘big experiences’ and focus on little fun things.

Have a party with friends on Christmas Eve and go to the church service on Christmas Day. You need interactiion with others, you will enjoy them both. Not everyone will make it on Christmas Eve, so invite lots of families expecting many drop outs and have mulled wine ready for the parents as some might stay if offered a glass, others will be grateful for extra wrapping time!

I would overlook your mums anxiety personally and invite her for Christmas, and in laws to the pub for Boxing Day.

We would love our parents to still be here.

I agree children are often happiest with just Mum and Dad at Christmas. I can be a bit overwhelming otherwise.

Also - create your own traditions. One we still do now the DC are in their 40s (and in no way religious) is buying a birthday cake for Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to him. I can't bake so we bought the cake from the supermarket every year and there was always a 'heated debate' over what cake he would want this year - Barbie or Arsenal were popular choices. More recently it's always a Colin Caterpillar. At least your son won't have to compromise on that!

Can I just add...not strictly in answer to your question, every year from aged 3 until late teens I started our tradition of my DC choosing a new decoration to add to the Christmas tree, nothing expensive, but it's lovely to look back on when decorating the tree.