To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

I think I'd have a chat with her and tell her how you feel. She sounds as though she's pretty robust. Be careful not to criticise the partner though.

I think all this effort is a bit mad for someone you don’t even consider a friend — it’s not clear to me why you are shelling out large sums of money and taking lengthy journeys for an acquaintance who has never, over two decades, become a friend. Why bother?

This is how I’d feel too. She’s not family, or even a particularly close friend. It sounds like the relationship is fizzling out.

Well despite the length of acquaintance and continued contact, she does not sound like a close friend. And she has just been fairly matter of fact, as you describe her character, rather than being rude. She is interested in you, not you daughter, despite her polite engagement last time. I would keep her as a friend, and one you can visit when you want to escape from you child for a weekend away.

Why not just visit by yourself if you want to keep the friendship going? I think it's quite unusual to bring a 6yo to visit a friend given you met pre DC and she has none of her own.

Very reasonable of them to say no kids staying, whether that rule is because of your DD or a different incident with someone else's.

I have similar aged children and while they're pretty manageable these days it's still in no way the same as an adults only meetup.

Your poor daughter that must of been really embrassing for her. Accidents happen unfortunately with children and most people without children don't or never will 'get it'.

This is likely coming from the pair of them to be honest. I have a childless friends who wants to spend all the time with me alone but gets a bit huffy when I bring the kids.
As a result our friendship has dwindled because it feels like she can't accept that I come with children as a package most of the time these days.

It is a shame after years of friendship but I think I would move on.

I'm a bit hurt so I'm calling her an acquaintance. .. because I feel like that's where it's at now.

Yes!

The post is weird. You refer to her consistently as an aquaintance. And you you've stayed with her abroad? Is she a friend or an aquaintance?

I think it's quite unusual to bring a 6yo to visit a friend given you met pre DC and she has none of her own

I brought her because my acquaintance showed such interest and affection towards my DD when she met her. She suggested visiting with her and that the two best times were summer (due to the weather) and just before Christmas, due to the Christmas market funfairs. She was the one saying "this would be good for kids".

I didn't manage just before Christmas last year for various reasons. We went at October half term instead.

She also videoed her a lot and took a lot of photos while she was there.
(Though her culture is kind of comiically associated with that).

I do think throwing shitty trousers at a wall in someone’s spare room is quite unusual even for a young child. They sound like they were nice about it but surely if it’s a bit much for them they can say they’d love to see you but can’t put you up again? I think you’re a bit embarrassed and it’s made this a bigger deal than it has to be. Why not meet just the two of you without partner or child?

Children are not for everyone. It’s a shame he/she can’t suck it up, but perhaps you need to match the effort they’re willing to put in to a trip.

You've just grown apart. You are at different stages,

I agree that if you want to continue a relationship with her that you need to separate it from the relationship that she had with your dd. And see her by yourself.

There's plenty of actual parents who like their children when they are a baby and a toddler and all cute and become sick of them when they start talking about unicorns all of the time

Not everyone likes people in their homes. Your friend's DP doesn't want children in their home - that's fair enough. If you don't want to pay for accommodation, don't go! They presumably paid for accommodation when you couldn't host them, so it's hardly unfair.

See my post above.

Her behaviour, including relative radio silence for months before our recent interaction, has made me think she should be categorised as an acquaintance.

I thought she was offended I'd not arranged to go back during the summer.
She's wasn't, she's just occupied in her relationship and their holidays and his family etc.

Clearly the "acquaintance" is very low priority for her.

Maybe it's due to her being coupled up now, maybe it's other things, who knows.

I outlined what I did to offset that.

And I would have put them up if I could have.

This. It’s utterly gross and I would not allow this child in my home again either. This is not normal child behaviour.

Matching the effort will mean no more visits.

Which is what this thread is about.

He's not a bad host because he doesn't want kids in his home - he just doesn't want kids in his home. He tried it once for his partner, ended up not being his thing so he's not doing it again, fair enough. You didn't have them sleep at yours either so they probably don't realise you are so offended by it, they've been honest. You sound overly hurt and considering ending your friendship over this, so if you feel bad about it then re look at your reaction to it. And if she's not even a friend in the first place than what's the big deal.

It sounds as if they like your child but her partner doesn’t want poo on his walls and furniture again. It’s not a criticism of your child.

I'd be really grossed out about poop on the bed and wall and I'm a mom. I probably wouldn't be keen to host again.

A few thoughts:

I have various child free friends. They don't necessarily really understand the reality of children and they do find children wearing to be around because they aren't used to it.

They are perfectly polite and welcoming to my kids - as it sounds like your friend was.

But I don't expect them to have my kids to stay with them because kids can be unpredictable.

And I do understand that they want to spend time with me primarily, not my children, so I try to see them without the children at least some of the time.

I think your friend tried with your DD but her boyfriend found it difficult having her to stay, which isn't totally unreasonable given she got poo on his wall.

I would go by yourself and enjoy a child free break. Try not to take it so personally

You are ridiculous.

I won't be responding to a post of yours again.

Why do you keep referring to her as an acquaintance?
You've known the woman for more than 20 years and have stayed at each others' homes.
It sounds like the dynamic changed a bit when you had a child and she moved in with her partner. But it's his flat, so I guess he can choose who stays there.

The child is 5/6.
She didn't throw it at the wall the tried to hide them in a corner which accidentally hit the wall, out of embarrassment.

Jesus 🙄