To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
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The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

OP have you invited your friend & partner back to stay in your house since your last visit to them?
Or are you expecting them to host you + kid again in their house (due to cost) but when they visited you they paid for a hotel?

They have an open invite.

But they have seen and done most things here and probably prefer to visit elsewhere
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Another trip to them during summer or before Christmas was suggested by this lady .... When we last visited.

It's in the OP

@HazelPlayer the post by @BitOutOfPractice was totally reasonable. Your reply, however, was not. It’s entirely reasonable to ask questions as the thread moves.

For people who don't have children and aren't used to living with them it can be a lot to live with them. I personally loved spending time with my nieces when they were young but didn't like living them them because it is overwhelming. I wouldn't write a friendship off because of it.

Im afraid I'll have to disagree with you.

I just don't get why this bothers you so very much, op.

Can you not just shrug and holiday elsewhere?

Again, because I feel this thread is in danger of being bogged down by a certain type of Aibu poster ....

I really appreciate all the posts by reasonable posters who've tried to help.

Thank you.

You’re coming across as very combative OP. This could give insight as to why your friend / acquaintance has pulled back.

I'm generally easy going

That's not coming across, OP. You are coming across as rather petulant.

Why did you post in AIBU then? OP, you are coming across as defensive and UR now.

You can’t force anyone to welcome DD. You have a choice to keep the adult friendship going.

I agree with PPs that it’s not about the poo incident. They just don’t want to spend their free time or share their home with children. Any children.

If I've lost posters like you, that would be a blessing

And also don't presume to speak for hundreds of other potential posters.

100%

That certain type of poster is you. You are so unpleasant for no reason.

I can’t imagine why the acquaintance might want to keep her distance OP. You seem really easy going with great social communication skills.

I’m looking forward to yet another thread where people are bemoaning why posters on MN are so mean, when the reality is some posters really bring it on themselves.

Your kid got shit on their walls and bed, it’s not unreasonable they don’t want your kid staying again! Who wants to clean up their friend’s child poo 😳. They’re being diplomatic by making it about all kids and the fact they don’t want kids rather than just yours.

Why not ask them to visit you instead if you can’t afford to pay for accommodation near them?

This is how I feel too, except I have my own children. I don't expect everyone to enjoy their company though.

I have friends who come to stay with their kids and tbh it does all our heads in. They get up earlier than we do, make a load of noise, change settings on the tech, harass our animals then complain if the animals are unsettled, want us to join them on walks, visits etc despite trying to work because we can't take holiday every time we have guests, make messes that we have to clear up/check that they have, and it's all too much.

It doesn't mean I don't like them or their kids, but having other people's children in your home is a very intense experience.

I think any poster who posts on Aibu and gets the usual suspects posting; ends up coming across as defensive and "petulant".

I've seen it a hundred times on here.

My only mistake has been engaging with them.

You're coming across as defensive and stubborn OP. Rather than considering what other posters are saying, you're arguing back. Are you like this in real life?
Sounds like your acquaintance would like to see you but not host you with your DC. Nothing wrong with that. I'm a mum of adult children. I wouldn't want a child to stay but I enjoy children's company for short periods of time.
So your options are to visit by yourself or invite her to stay with you. Presumably the renovations are complete now?

I agree with this completely. My friend told me proudly before he had kids himself "when WE have kids they wont change our lifestyle one bit!" in a bit of a snippy tone, when I was grappling with my toddler at one point. Of course, guess what happened- their lifestyle did change and he said to me afterwards "oh I was a bit of a dick wasnt I?" and we laugh about it now.

I think its just naivety and not understanding the reality of kids rather than him being purposefully unkind.

That said, I wouldnt be spending loads of money to go and see them if it's not in your budget. If you have limited resources they need to be spent on enjoyable activities, not ones where you feel self conscious and tense constantly. I think this friendship is fizzling out and thats ok - sometimes it happens and its noons fault.

That’s the op’s interpretation. I can’t really see how hiding them in a corner leads to shit on the bed and wall. And I’d imagine the acquaintance wondered how many times this happened without their noticing. Maybe it already happened before without op noticing. And the acquaintance cleared it up. Who knows. I’ve had many children in my houses over the years and none have put shit on my walls. Op sounds like hard work if her reactions to posters on here is anything to go by. She’s right we are wrong.

Yes OP, AIBU does indeed attract a certain type^ of poster. Your poor attitude is your issue. Don't try to make it everyone elses.^

Nope, she can speak for me. You lost me on page 1.

Thing is, they could really love children and be the most understanding people in the world about mishaps and STILL not want you to always bring your daughter with you.

If you value the friendship and want to maintain it, go without your daughter. But it doesn't really sound like you do, so I'd just drop it.

While I accept a 5/6 year old might have an accident, I wouldnt expect that accident to involve me having to clean it up. That's the realm of 2/3/4yr olds generally (ND aside).
As others have said, I would be perfectly polite and engage with your child, but I wouldnt want them back.
I have children and have worked in childcare and paed nursing so not inexperienced with dc.
Think a case of pfb

I’m not a “certain type of poster” @HazelPlayer , I just don’t happen to agree with you. Also one that doesn’t have all the facts (like the reason they couldn’t stay) because you haven’t given them / slanted things in your favour.

For instance, have you invited them back to stay at yours?

Who's we?

I agree with most of the posters on this thread.