To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

She/her partner doesn't want you (your child) to stay in her house. That is entirely within her rights to do so. You have been unable to host her previously. That was also fine.
Bringing your child along does change the dynamic (a lot). So does bringing her partner. Sometimes this works out and sometimes it doesn't.
It doesn't sound as though she is begging you to visit with her. If you want to see her, your options are to go without your child or to go with your child and stay in a hotel. Or you could invite her (with or without her partner) to visit you. Or you could both arrange to meet somewhere it may be easier/cheaper to travel to. Or leave it.

Your acquaintance is not being rude by not wanting your daughter to stay. She is being direct and honest. Your lives have changed since you met. Maybe the relationship will continue, maybe it will shift.

189 people have responded to your poll currently 89% think you are unreasonable. I don’t think you have the support in this thread you think you have. I agree with some others the shitty pants thrown in the corner would not endear your child to many others but of course she is a young child and they make mistakes all the time. What I don’t understand is why would your child not have called out to you for support in that situation? I honestly cannot think of many children of that age who wouldn’t look to get parental support when things had gone that wrong for them and in the world of a 5 year old things had gone pretty wrong for her.

You're not happy that I've called you out on your attitude without resorting to rudeness?

I'm sorry did you actually just come on the Internet to ask a bunch of strangers for their opinion and then call the holders of those opinions c*nts?!

You don't want opinions, you want people to agree with you. I'm guessing because you can't find this validation irl.

You said your acquaintance enjoyed spending time with your daughter but that doesn't necessarily mean her partner did. Perhaps it's related to the soiling issue or maybe they didn't find your daughter's general behaviour as acceptable as you, maybe they just don't like children. Either way her partner has voiced his opinion and she has respected his right to choose who he does and doesn't have in his home.

You now get to choose if you want to continue this friendship. You can either go and take your daughter, in which case she may change his thinking, being a little older now. Or, you let the friendship die.

The grown up thing to do would be to ask your friend if the soiling incident is the problem here. You say she's pretty direct, perhaps this might clarify your feelings on the matter.

I think t that you sound like you keep a balance sheet/spreadsheet in relationships with people, and this approach can alienate people

usually the best way to approach friendships and acquaintances is to simply think: would I like to see this person and do I enjoy spending time with them

keeping score like you do does not lead to happiness in life imo

There's your answer then OP...

You’re being offensive to everyone you disagree with so I wonder why you actually posted. I think your daughter’s behaviour was odd in a child her age.

You say she invited you back around Xmas and Summer. However, her partners then told her he doesn't want kids to stay..whether that's the poo incident or not is totally his prerogative in his house, so the invitation is now withdrawn. I wouldn't be offended, id completely understand and accept it for what it is.

If she's reduced communication then I'd match her efforts, bit crap but it is what it is. Sometimes acquaintances don't stand the test of time and changes in lifestyles.

You chose to post on AIBU knowing its nature. Many seasoned OPs take it on the chin and make use of the reality check.

Your petulance was first shown in your OP when you referred repeatedly to your decades-long friend as an acquaintance because she has upset you and possibly drawn away. That's petulant, and that kind of attitude doesn't lead to happy friendships.

Why can't you visit without your child?
Take a hint.....

HazelPlayer
If I've lost posters like you, that would be a blessing

And also don't presume to speak for hundreds of other potential posters.

Nope, she can speak for me. You lost me on page 1.

This made me lol. OP I'm with the "certain type of posters" and I usually never comment unless it's S&B!!

You have a terrible attitude , why are so you aggressive? That would put me off just as much as shit on the wall .

If I was at a friend's house and my 4/5 year old disappeared from the table, maybe to the toilet or who knows they are little, I would follow them to help them. Why was she left alone to navigate rhis pee/poo accident ? I bet there was a worse mess in the toilet than the bedroom.

You should have helped her . And your friend is right to dump you , you sound awful

I’ve got children but I have to say that I really do not enjoy it when my own dear friends bring their young children to stay with me. I’m so past that stage and I don’t really have the patience or interest in young children any more. I’ve used that all up. So I think it’s entirely reasonable for ANYONE to not want a friend to bring their kid to stay.

It would have offended me once though. So I get where you are coming from.

I have to say that if my own child’s poo was on a wall, I would not just use wipes. I would get some warm soapy water and give it a good wash as well! Even more so at someone’s house!

OP, these people do not want children in their house. Try not to take it as a personal dig against your child. It may be nothing to do with poogate. It might just be that they find the chaos and hassle of a child too much.

As I have got older, I have really valued my friendships. No friend is perfect. Neither am I. But when your kids get older and leave home, it is the friends that keep you going. They may support you, have similar lives or interests or they may just be fun people to go out with. I always tell my kids that there is something different to gain from every friendship and not to expect everything from everyone. If you think the friendship is worth saving, then I would go along with their wishes and not see it as a personal dig. Try not to get too defensive.

Some people say that they and their child or they and their partner come as a ‘package’ and they decline individual invites. I guess it depends what kind of person you are. Friendships are valuable though. Be careful not to ditch this without some thought.

Do think a couple of posters have jumped on this thread to tell the OP her dd is abnormal and disgusting, which she clearly isn't.
Don't blame you for being annoyed OP.

I'd abandon the thread now if it were mine. Waste of time. You're not going to get advice, just a kicking from better people than you. Lol.

The child was 6,had an accident and was embarrassed.
What were they supposed to do.
Seriously you've no empathy.
@HazelPlayer it feels to be the friendship is fizzling out.
I'd leave it,it'll be no loss to you

What I don’t understand is why would your child not have called out to you for support in that situation? I honestly cannot think of many children of that age who wouldn’t look to get parental support when things had gone that wrong for them

Yes, I wondered why the child didn’t feel she could call out to her mum for help. It sounds like the poor thing must have been feeling very anxious.

The ‘hiding’ is worrying.

"Yes, I wondered why the child didn’t feel she could call out to her mum for help. It sounds like the poor thing must have been feeling very anxious."

And now we are meandering into the realms of pure fantasy to administer a kicking.

I wouldn't want a child who behaves that way in my house either - your DD isn't a toddler - she's school age and old enough to know better than that.

I also wouldn't be happy if the parent of that child thought a couple of wipes would get rid of the smell and bacteria from human poo that was now on my walls and floor.

I’m at a loss to see what this couple have done wrong! I can see, however, why they they wouldn’t care to ask you to visit again!

Agree. What an overreaction in your replies. Your friend and partner don't have children and don't appreciate soiled clothes in the corner of the room and poo on the wall. That's completely normal to me tbh. I don't have kids and wouldn't have liked that, either.

If you want to see her, you should go without your child.

Your massive overreactions to anyone saying that your child handled the incident poorly or that it was gross are quite a clue to how it probably went down at the time. Posters are not giving you a hard time at all, this is not an AIBU thing. People are entitled to think six is a little old to be throwing poo soiled clothes in a corner.

I’m here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

OP you need to get out of this defensive thinking. They don’t think your child is ‘bad’. They just realised that they don’t want the hassle of a kid. Any kid. But your friend likes you, which is great!

And why on earth would you need to talk in detail to your child about future invites? Quite frankly, most kids of this age would not be analysing why their mother’s friend had not invited them. They simply wouldn’t care that much!

Just be happy they treated your child nicely when she visited. And make the most of a friend who still wants you in her life.

This is actually really funny.

OP: my child threw literal faeces at my child-free friend’s wall and now they don’t want me to stay at their house anymore. oh and last time they visited me, I told them it wasn’t convenient to stay at mine, AIBU?

PP: A bit. Maybe they don’t want shit on their walls?

OP: you’re a cunt.