To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

Seriously OP abort the thread, or ask MN to delete it.

Yes, it does rather, doesn't it.

🙄

It was the first thought that came into my head when I read the post 🤷🏼‍♀️ I guess most thoughts are ‘fantasy’ to some degree.

You’re doing yourself no favours OP by being so hostile towards posters.
6 years old is old enough to tell your mum you need the loo. Also can’t understand why your dd threw her soiled clothes into a corner of a bedroom when she was in the bathroom? By doing so, also leaving herself naked? Sorry but it’s very bizarre behaviour.

I think you should leave it now. Just let the friendship go. Sounds like too much stress!

This

when my kids were small we went to stay on holiday abroad with friends who didn’t have kids. They just weren’t used to what kids were like at all to have around. It’s not for everyone as you say

this -
but also, as I understand it, the main reason you don't want to go is because they won't have you and dd in their home again and the expense of renting a hotel is too much.

But the only time they stayed with you you didn't put them up in your home and they had to stay in a hotel? So they're only suggesting the exact same plan as you had for them, except they've already one-upped you by previously hosting you in their home. I don't really see that they've done anything wrong (except for being a bit undiplomatic by saying the main reason is because of your dd), but if you don't want to go, don't.

This is quite unusual behaviour.
Even if they were to live in a castle, it is normal to ask where the lavatory is.

A child of five who is normally clean and dry would obviously be really upset if they had an 'accident' . I'm guessing she threw the soiled clothes to get them away from her , as she was embarrassed and upset .

Perhaps the partner is simply telling the truth . He's just not keen on kids and found it stressful having them at close quarters. That's OK, each person is different. I have a friend who has a perfectly nice kid but she kind of annoys me with constant questioning. I've got kids too so I tolerate it because I get that it's a phase. He doesn't have kids so perhaps he just doesn't really want to tolerate whatever it is DD is like. Even if she was the perfect house guest but he still doesn't want to tolerate it. It's his space so he is entitled to it.
Your friend has offered to stay in touch and you stay locally. She maybe doesn't appreciate the cost and effort this entails for you. So just tell her it's a bit expensive at the moment but maybe in a couple of years you can. See if the friendship lasts. But don't read too much into this. You assume a lot of stuff when I would just take the statement at face value, he doesn't want kids in his space and that's his perogative.

I’m with the OP. There’s plenty of c u next Tuesdays on here! A pathetic little pile-on by saddos who get their jollies by being nasty.
Feel sorry for them and ignore, OP. Don’t engage and just concentrate on the constructive replies

Missing the point slightly… but if she got up from the table to go to the loo and was 5 years old, in a strange environment, why didn’t you go straight with her?? Why was she gone long enough to be able to take off her pooey trousers and throw them into a room? I just don’t understand it!

A child of 6, OP said she was 6, would usually shout for her mum. Walking out the bathroom, naked and chucking her clothes in the corner of a spare room? Thats odd.

This. Other people’s children can be really difficult even if you know and have your own.
The stress of feeding them, bedtimes etc whole different dynamic then just having an adult. So go just by yourself.

I think you have to accept you and your friend have taken different paths in your lives and that is what sometimes happens. Neither is wrong but sometimes it just doesn't work as well as it did and may well fizzle out. That's just how life can evolve.

I do think people are being OTT about the poo incident.

It is gross and it might well have put them off having children to stay.

But it's not wildly out of the norm for a child that age to panic and then get embarrassed, especially in a strange place.

My 5 year old wet himself last week for the first time in years because he got a bit confused about how a toilet door opened and he was wearing waterproof trousers and couldn't get them off. He was really embarrassed about it.

Hauling kids with you to visit a friend, expecting to be put up and thinking they are going to enjoy your child changes the whole dynamic of a visit between friends.
Bringing a six year old who flings shit at a wall and bed certainly changes the dynamics.

Look, as nice and enthusiastic people are about your daughter, they're just being polite. The relationship is between you and your friend. She accommodates your daughter so she can maintain a friendship with you. It's not because she wants a relationship with your child. It's the same as how you have to accept the presence of her boyfriend if you want to see her. It's not because he's your friend. Equally, her boyfriend is doing the same thing. You are part of his girlfriend's life and so he has to accept that. But your daughter is a step too far for him after the shit-on-the-wall incident.

Can the two of you not just meet up together somewhere? A weekend away or something.

Agreed. The outrage on mumsnet about a bit of poo!
Just wet wipe it off the wall and get on with life!

Why don’t you suggest a city break in a different place, just the two of you. It’s good to have a life separate from your children. Not everyone wants to be around kids. It’s not the end of the world and would be a shame to lose a friendship. Her partner being around would change the dynamic as well. Keep meeting up, just the two of you.

You seem over the top OP. You ask for advice and when you don't like it you post bitchy and insulting responses. If you don't want people's opinions, don't ask for them.

For whatever reason the visit was less successful than you thought. I don’t think YABU to be disappointed.

But from their perspective, if last time wasn’t great, what are they supposed to do? Sounds like your acquaintance has been polite but clear, which is the correct approach. I think YABU to be offended.

It’s not unusual for lots of families to avoid staying at other peoples houses- apart from close family. Other people’s kids are frequently annoying and lots of people who don’t have kids themselves find having them in their space very difficult. I’d probably keep holidays just you guys/ family for a few years. Keep the lines of friendship open and see what happens.

NRTFT, just the OP’s posts and more recent replies, but WOW that took a turn!

OP, you’re being extremely aggressive and intolerant to posters pointing out that getting actual faeces on walls where you are a guest is extremely unpleasant and unacceptable.

We can clean up the soiling of our own children relatively easy. That of someone else - it’s a natural response to find that pretty stomach churning. “A couple of wipes” is not an acceptable level of cleaning.

One of my children had a friend who had an accident, panicked and hid it in a duvet. I’ll admit I found many excuses not to invite that kid around for a few years… and I am used to kids and like them.

You expected your friends to stay at a hotel when they visited you - for understandable reasons. They now need you to stay at a hotel for equally understandable reasons.

Yes! Over anxious! When other people in the world are facing war, death, hunger, storm, tempest, losing their homes, you are getting over anxious by some first world problem. Get over yourself and take on board what other posters are telling you. You come on Mumsnet, take what it offers, or don't post again and get over yourself! Now bombard me with insults, oh aggressive one!

OP, just imagine I brought my dog to stay in your animal free house. She's a well behaved dog, and usually fully toilet trained, but she got confused and overwhelmed in a strange house, and pooed in the corner of the room getting poo on the walls and on the furniture. I wasn't keeping an eye on her when this happened, so you discovered it and cleaned up dog shit from your walls and furniture, whilst I just watched on. Would you be keen to have my dog to stay again?

I'm guessing not, even if you liked my dog because:
a) you don't want dog shit in your house, on your walls and furniture
b) I've proved I can't be relied on to supervise my dog properly
c) I've proved that I won't step up and deal with the mess that my dog made and will just leave it to you.

You might still love my dog, you might still want to meet up and go out for walks with my dog, but you'd be quite reasonable to not want it to stay in your house, and to not to take the risk of having to deal with it's shit.