To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

My gosh I know. The fact that we are all just trying our best to muddle on in this world and people - STRANGERS in fact - take it upon themselves to make others feel BAD about themselves on the internet. Those people have no idea what’s going on in a person’s life. And I bet these are the people who have “be kind” plastered all over their facebooks. 🙄🙄 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I made no comment on whether we were better hosts.

That would be somewhat ridiculous.

I described a history of effort, hospitality, tolerance etc on both sides.

Hazel, you have fallen into the trap of trying to explain yourself to bunch of pitchforks who won't hear it. They will take issue with whatever you say.
I suggested you abandon the thread way back at the beginning...this is why.
The tone was set, the pile-on was inevitable.
Now they are attacking your personality.
Let them imagine whatever they like and let the thread die.

You're right.

I was responding to a few posts (from posters not like that) and it has ended up extending the thread.

It's probably past the point of usefulness now.

Thanks again to the many decent posters for your perspectives.

Well your original post said you weren't going to be able to see her if not in her house but then you have a simple solution: meet elsewhere or stay elsewhere in her city.
💅
There's no need for feeling sad that a decades long friendship has "come to this" if "this" means "continuing to be able to stay in touch and visit regularly, albeit not at her home because that doesn't suit her any more". I think people have taken the thread in different directions because the original post reads like an overreaction but if you're happy to adapt to both of your changing lives then

Not having the ability to accept that everyone has different personalities and deals with situations differently is literally immature. Accept it and move on.

Amazed? At the op commenting on literally her own thread?! You must be extremely easily amazed then.
the way you have been yapping on? What, by that you mean the way she’s having to explain herself again and again to people like you who take it upon themselves to be unnecessarily overreactive on Mumsnet?
ok…..

I know you didn’t make comment directly OP, that’s right. But you did compare her visit to you with your visit to her, with quite a bit of detail, leaving us to draw our own conclusions as to how you felt about it. It is my opinion, based on that detail you provided, that you were the better hosts. I actually thought that ruminating on all that detail was not productive for you in your dilemma. I commented as much in my first response to you, - in an effort to be helpful.

I hope it works out for you and your friend / acquaintance but please stop saying most people are on the spectrum if you mean autistic, there are some different statistics but the WHO estimate that roughly 1% of people are autistic. If everyone was on the spectrum, then the world would not be designed for neurotypical people the way it is. Autistic people face massive challenges in everyday life including social isolation, unemployment, educational deficits and higher mortality rates and saying that everyone's a bit autistic trivialises that. It's like saying 'You have a nut allergy? Yeah, I don’t like nuts either.'

you seem to be directing a lot of your anger towards her DP, I wonder if it’s your friend who disliked having your DC stay and has just shifted the blame onto her partner. I always use my DH as an excuse when I don’t want to do something.

I understand that she was previously fine with your DC but children constantly change as they grow up and maybe your child free friend wasn’t prepared for that.

The tone, and the over reaction, was set by the OP calling everyone cunts on about page 3 when they suggested that a guest putting human excrement on the wall is a good reason to say ‘sorry, love to see you again but maybe stay in a hotel’. 80% of the voters agree. What’s more likely, the OP is unreasonable or that everyone on mumsnet is out to get her?

It’s an over reaction to reply to every post on someone else’s behalf, btw.

She did not call everyone that. Just the commenters who had horrible things to write about her precious child. Disgusting unnecessary unhelpful unkind inappropriate things. So yeah she saw red understandably. And nope I have not replied to every post.
what you are saying are overreactions indeed.

You might want to re-read all your comments on here and ask yourself whether they are kind or helpful.

Ah be kind. That old chestnut when a woman disagrees with you. Even after the OP has called everyone cunts.

Except she did not. And to the ones she did, it was because they had insulted her or her child. Is that kind?

Robust discussion is not making an undesirable but common six year old's toileting mishap and subsequent panic into something sordid, anti-social and abnormal.
Never mind 'be kind' - where is the basic respect?

Yeah it’s worrying isn’t it. Some people’s comments are literally like happy to do this: “Mummy, I liked that girl called Katy who came to play. Can we ask her to come back for a play date?” Mum: “no darling, she had a toilet accident. We don’t allow such disgusting children in our house.” 😣😢😔😡😡

I'd like to see the "vile, abnormal, never be invited back" posters deal with a sudden bout of gastroenteritis diarrhea, somewhere they're unfamiliar with, and the subsequent disposal of their clothing if they didn't manage to get their arse on a toilet in time ......at their age, let alone at just turned 6 yrs old.

They are full of SHITE.
No pun intended 😀

Exactly!

I don't really see the mystery in any of this OP. Your lives have both changed. Your friend is all loved up with a partner for the first time in 20 years and she is now prioritising her relationship and his family - which is all perfectly normal. You've had a child and her partner doesn't like kids. Shock horror, not everyone adores the little angels especially men. In fact I'm not that keen myself. Your lives have moved on, the dynamics have changed. It happens! Why can't you get your head around this?

This

Yet you have downgraded her to "acquaintance" over one visit.....

That is a good point. The OP is aghast that this man decided he didn’t want to have children, after having a child stay with him for just three days. Yet the OP has quickly downgraded this woman from a friend to an acquaintance despite the years of friendship that proceeded this. Interesting.

This. Your child's behaviour was not OK.

I'm amazed you took your 6 year old dd to stay in a flat with a man you've never met and a woman you barely know.