To be disappointed & offended by this

[HazelPlayer]

Myself and a woman I met while working abroad (in her country( have kept an acquaintance going for 20 plus years now.

She moved to Germany for work a few years ago and has since got into a serious relationship with a German guy and shares his flat. She was mostly single before this relationship.

Both she and I have made the effort over the years to meet up once every few years.

Since she got into the relationship, they. visited my home country once. I could not accommodate them, due to renovations, but acted as their taxi driver for their stay, got them free National.Trust entry to a major attraction, and my h paid for meals out etc.
I think it was also the first time this woman met my dd, who was perhaps 5 at the time. She was very interested in her and affectionate towards her; and my DD reciprocated.

I then visited them with my DD in Germany, DD was 5/6 at the time, we stayed in their spare room. My dd's behaviour was no better or worse, I think, than any 5/6 year old child.
My acquaintance appeared to enjoy spending time with my DD, lots of videoing her. Her partner commented he "didn't know who was enjoying this the most" when they were playing in playparks etc.

My dd found their flat layout confusing/disorienting and when she had a sudden, urgent need to use the toilet - which she didn't tell me about because she was too embarrassed in front of this lady and her partner at the dining table - she couldn't find the toilet fast enough and soiled herself a bit. She then panicked and threw the soiled leggings and knickers into a corner of the spare room, nicely getting a couple of poo marks on the wall/bed frame.
I only discovered this when I wondered what she was doing and went looking for her, my long-term acquaintance was right on my heels so I had no chance to clean it up before she knew/got involved and she immediately had the sanitising wipes etc out. She seemed relatively matter of fact about it.

This happened a few hours before we left, I was extremely embarrassed but we didn't have much chance to talk about it.

After the visit, among various bits of convo, she mentioned that her partner has confirmed that he was glad they didn't have kids and wouldn't be having them. I found this slightly undiplomatic (which she can often be) but thought "ok, to each their own" and "I'd like to see him around an actual badly behaved kid". Also I spent an entire day of a three day stay entertaining myself and DD and navigating the city's transport system to go to a pool complex on my own, and didn't insist on doing a day out that they suggested for my DD because I thought of would be too tiring and demanding for everyone. I also bought food and gifts. So we weren't exactly demanding/crappy guests.

During that visit my acquaintance suggested we visit during the next summer (the summer just past) because it was the best time of kids. I didn't arrange it did various reasons, she was very much awol/unresponsive on communications so I thought I'd perhaps offended her by not visiting again. I therefore suggested that maybe we could visit in December, if that suited them.

She has now said that we could not stay with them because she "promised her partner she would not have kids to stay in the flat again".

This sort of rules out visiting her again in her (now) home base. Due to expense. Or I could shoulder the expense, but it makes me feel resentful about spending loads of money to visit someone who can't tolerate a child - and children grow up and change a lot (!!!) - for a night or two.
.
The flights there are not cheap, there's no flight from our local airports so we have to travel over 3 hours to a major one (during that visit we had the expense of airport hotels because of flight times) too. It would be heading for £1000 to Kay for flights and accommodation even without airport hotels ... . and this is to visit someone who takes the above line towards kids.
I could visit on my own sometime but tbh I'd just be thinking "I'm here on my own because you're too intolerant to host a not bad kid for a night or two". And my acquaintance was so interested in my DD that my DD would be wondering why she wasn't invited etc.

I don't think this is just him because she has quite a strong character. I don't think she'd be dictated to.

Aibu to feel a bit sad that a decades long acquaintance has come to this?

The simple fact is they don’t want kids of their own and don’t want any kids in their flat. If you want to keep the friendship, you have to see it as an adult friendship. One that you do without children present. It could be back to the same as it was before it cooled to ‘an acquaintance’ if you see it on those terms.

And that would be fine! You say you couldn’t go alone as DD would be sad she’d been ‘uninvited’ - I can’t imagine why you’d need to share so much detail with her, what is she now, 7/8? She gets a special weekend with daddy; you go off and do your own thing. Surely you go off and do your own thing other times?

Anyway my point is, if you want to keep your decades-long friendship you have to accept it’s an adults only thing.

I don’t have children. Two of my longest friends do. I have to visit them including overnight stays as they live a few hours away. I’ve never met one set of kids as their house doesn’t have space for me to stay in so I’m in a hotel. I think they both see it as welcome grown up time as we literally never talk about the children at all.

You seem to be going into a lot of detail which suggests that you may be over anxious about this situation. Don't forget you are dealing with another culture and often European people can be very honest in the opinions. They mean no harm but do not possess the British stiff upper lip or politeness at all costs. I would keep this friend as a face time friend and contact her a couple of times a year, perhaps send the odd quirky gift. If you like her and get on with her, seems a shame to end the friendship, just cool it down a bit. You don't know what the future brings. I had an American friend like this but she became over pious and I felt like a sinner in everything I did. She had to go. If this woman is not obnoxious, try to run the relationship with a light touch.

Calling people cunts is incredibly over the top. What is wrong with you? YOU have asked for opinions on this! Other people are not awful for being able to see your friends perpective and if you could see it too it may save your 'friendship'

I think having children to stay, even well behaved ones, is difficult especially when you don’t have children yourself.
I do have my own and I still dislike having other people’s children to stay.
It may be all down to her partner, it is his home after all, she might have been fine and enjoyed having your daughter but she can’t very well insist a child, who smeared poo on the walls, be it accidentally or not, comes to stay in a house that isn’t hers.
He may well have put his foot down and said never again. Which is his right.

Youre entitled to be hurt, everyone thinks their own kids are amazing and well behaved, but not everyone loves your kids

Just to add as well if she has become distant since getting into a relationship maybe you weren't such a good friend to her after all. It sounds a bit like she was using you to a degree until something better came along. It happens a lot, true friends do not act like this they stick together. In the nicest possible way, bin her off.

The simple solution to my mind is that you go without DD next time? Seems like your friend likes DD well enough but her DP drew a line at having shit on the wall, and your friend can’t really disagree.
It’s unfortunate for sure. If you truly value this women’s friendship you will be able to ride out the awkwardness until it’s water under the bridge and just have adult-only visits for a few years. If you no longer want to be friends, then fine, no more visits.

Don't go if you don't want, but it'd a bit silly to only not go because you're pissy her DP doesn't want children in his home. He, and your friend, are allowed to not want that. Your kid got poo on their wall, it's hardly encouraging for them. I know your DD is only a child, and incidents like that wont happen often, but that doesn't make the fecal matter smell like roses. It put them off, understandably so.

I'd go with DD and stay somewhere else, enjoy time with your friend in the day, because I can't imagine just being THAT spiteful about them not wanting my child living with them for the holiday.

Re. Poo on his wall & bed frame .... Two wipes with a cleaning wipe removed it

He's not been traumatised by a large scale spraying on extrement on his wall.

SMH.

Aibu really does bring them out.

You are downplaying it because its your child. He may already not have been comfortable with hosting a kids then this happened - no, he's not traumatised, he's just been put right off. I think you're the problem here. Be a bit more considerate to others differences, thoughts and feelings.

Not anxious.

I was just trying to give sufficient context.

You know no one has been rude or out of order on this thread?

So your reactions are disproportionate OP

No, I'm not downplaying it.

The woman in question is your friend not your daughters. There is no reason why you cannot visit without your child in tow. Nor is there any reason they must accommodate your child in future. They have made their choice clear, make yours.

I'm sorry op but I also think it is disgusting that your kid threw shitty clothes at their wall / bed. Where were you in all of this? Honestly? I wouldn't want that kid visiting again either.

I also agree that it's an uneven distribution of effort - if you were there last time why don't you invite them to stay with you this time? And host them in your house as they did for you?

Alternatively you could diplomatically just go to visit by yourself & leave your kid at home.

I think your friend is letting you know that they're not interested in accommodating you + kid.

I think some friendships are adult only & especially if the other person doesn't have any children.

I don't think you have much to be offended about to be honest.

You seem to be offended at the change of the dynamic and it is colouring your judgement. It's perfectly normal to speak infrequently of you live in different countries and are occupied with your life and relationships. Also nobody has to like your kid, sorry.
My best friend and I hardly speak. We see each other once a year and have a cracking time and deep meaningful coversations. I love her and I would let her kids stay but, honestly, I would rather she came over without. I don't much care for her husband either. This doesn't stop us from being close friends.

People are allowed to choose who they want to stay in their home.

Op, the world is a big place. Travel elsewhere with your dd instead of keeping on visiting this person in Germany.

I’m a parent - I think you’re downplaying this a bit, sorry. Throwing poo trousers is a bit 🥴. Surely you can see why someone wouldn’t really want this again?

Why do you have to see your friend with your DC? Can’t you see her alone as adults? I don’t take my DC to see my friends all the time, especially my childfree friends. Your child wondering why they were not invited is not relevant.

@HazelPlayer it's not calling a spade a spade, it's overreacting.

Sorry if I've missed it, but what happens when you invite them to stay at yours? Do they refused to come?

Thank you to the reasonable posters who have given their take.

I appreciate it.

Well, I would not visit.
It is too much of a cost and a hassle.
You can keep in contact and see what happens in future, but all this travel is not needed.

Also, as a childfree person, just a note that just because somebody appears to enjoy a young child’s company, doesn’t necessarily reflect how they really feel.
Nobody wants to be mean or standoffish to a child. My friends regularly bring their children to see me, I play with the kids and act like I think they’re fantastic, but I’d definitely prefer to see my friends alone for adult conversations where we aren’t constantly splitting our attention and being distracted by attending to a child. I can imagine having a child to stay for several nights would be waring, especially if there is no other child for them to go and play with.

@HazelPlayer do you not want to discuss the matter any more? Just hurl insults around at random strangers instead?

Ok. I think we can see where the problem lies.