issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

My thought was that she gave no ground rules, naively, so now needs to rectify that. But I agree it should be a comprehensive set of rules now, can't then change it

is the fact you expect him to follow a set of 'ground rules' rather than treat it as his own home reflected in an appropriately reduced rent?

Since you have said that he has his own living space on a separate floor I think it would be reasonable for you to say that while you are happy for him to use the kitchen to cook in - and to eat in if he is on his own - you would prefer that when he has friends round to dinner they take their food to his accomodation to eat.

I am assuming that within his accommodation there is a table at the right height to eat off, and chairs to sit on! I don’t think it would be reasonable to ask them to sit on his bed balancing plates on their laps.🙂

Hey OP,

I totally understand where you're coming from. My partner of 10 years left me suddenly (came home one day and said he'd met someone else and was moving in with them that day!!). I managed to buy him out of the house we owned together but had to get a lodger to help pay the mortgage.

I do think it's hard having to get a lodger later in life when you're used to having your own space and it's a choice based on financial necessity rather than wanting company.

For me, it took a while having a lodger to realise that I needed to be clear on my expectations and boundaries and to make sure these were well communicated. For me this has meant having to be up front with people before they move in on things like, expectations around guests (on both sides, as I have guests too!), what times I expect noise to be kept to a minimum, that kind of thing. You also need to consider that your lodger is paying to have this as their home too - so while it is still your home you need to be fair in what your expectations are.

It sounds like you need to do some reflection on what your ground rules are then ask lodger for a chat to see how things are going from their perspective and also share that you wish to agree some rules moving forwards.

Yes, and she needs to be prepared for the lodger not being up for the goal posts being shifted on them. And then once he's gone, make the T's and C's clear upfront for anyone else.

@yeaitsmeagain A tarantula ! Unless I had specifically agreed ( which I wouldn't , ever, I am properly arachnaphobic -) if someone did that to me I would drive him out of the house at the wrong end of a very pointed stick and then burn the house down.
Happy to go up before the beak for my actions 😊

Its "brought" not "bought"
Bought = buy
Brought= bring

Kindly Op, you want his money but wish he didn’t show any signs of living with you

I've been a lodger twice and they were the most dehumanising experiences - not allowed friends over, not allowed into the living room, only allowed to use the kitchen when they are not using it. I wanted to scream. It was my home base but I was never allowed to forget that it wasn't my home - it was theirs. Be clear about rules and boundaries but don't forget that your lodger is paying hard earned money to live under your roof.

Interesting responses. I've definitely become less easy going since losing my husband to cancer last April. I think a friendly conversation about giving me the heads up if possible before bringing friends over is on the cards. Nothing drastic or intense. And next time he puts his phone onto his speakers so I can hear every word, I will politely ask him to kero it down. I will relax more in time, its an adjustment having a lodger and I definitely need to chill out a little too

Stop saying it's not his home!

It's your HOUSE. It is not his house. He does not own it. You do.

It's HOME to both of you. Home is where a person lives. He is not homeless. He is a lodger so that he has somewhere to call HOME.

When I was a student I used to share my room with a lesbiab couple. They would literally make out in the bed next to mine and I didn't care. I've changed alot I guess

That's a weird story.

You had expectations about how he would behave and didn’t clearly communicate them. You said not loads of friends all the time, it sounds as if it was one friend, once for quiet dinner and a chat. He clearly sees in your house as his home, as he is entitled to do, he lives there, whatever the legal tenancy. If what you want is someone who will be silent and not use shared spaces to entertain ever, or ever mildly inconvenience you, that needs to be clear in the arrangement and I’d gently suggest having lodgers is not for you if you cannot share your home with a stranger and make the compromises that come with this. The benefit to you remember is money.

I prefer to call it a dwelling place or place to lay ones hat

When you have a lodger the house is no longer wholly your own space, as you will be sharing some parts of it. Typically there will be a sharing of the kitchen and bathroom. Some also share the living room or dining room / place to eat.This can be difficult and sharing with a lodger doesn't suit everyone. It becomes the home of the lodger too, while he is there. The fact that he pays for the accommodation creates the relationship between you and some expectations and assumptions on his part. He may assume it's fine to have a friend over to eat. It also means you consider his reasonable needs and try to be reasonably tolerant. I once had a lodger many years ago who monopolised the kitchen with his cooking every night and filled the utility room with all his stuff. I hated it. He must have thought it was normal.

Anyway, you should have drawn up an agreement specifying which rooms/ spaces he can use and which not; whether you have any restrictions about when he can use the kitchen or eating place or specific times when you reserve the need for yourself to use it; and any other house rules about noise or cleaning or requirements about having visitors or having to give notice about visitors coming or visitors staying overnight, or whether overnight stays are prohibited or limited in any way.

Spare Room is a great source of information and advice about various aspects of having a lodger or sharing accommodation. If you register with them, they email out useful advisory articles from time to time. I am sure some of them will be available on their website. Here is a link. www.spareroom.co.uk/content/info-landlords/advice-landlord/

Abitofalark thanks. That's a reasonable responce

Here's the problem with this forum again. The question shouldn't be whether you're being unreasonable. The question should be: How can I make my wishes known?

If you do this right away, it'll be easier than to let it stew. "John, just to have things run smoothly, I'd appreciate it if you give me a heads up when you have a dinner guest - preferably a day before." And, with the phone, "You may not be aware how the sound carries, so it's a bit awkward in terms of privacy. You might want to not use the speaker."

And stop thinking of it in terms of respect. That will just make you unhappy. And you'll also have to figure out, and maybe re-think, the third-wheel part. Maybe you should try not making a point of leaving, and see what happens?

Good for you for trying with a lodger. Sounds like a sensible idea.

Thanks Ms America. Really positive responce. Its a hurdle to overcome hopefully. I know I need to relax some and learn better assertiveness. Your responses were really good examples to use x

Agreed this may not be right for you. That's no insult to you at all. God knows I couldn't do it.

He's only just moved in and maybe you just need to make it a bit clearer what some of the house rules are. It seems like he's got plenty of his own living space, which is good. Presuming you're ok with him having friends in the kitchen, but you just want him to ask/tell you in advance? That seems reasonable.

You could easily have had friends round yourself. If he's got his own living area, and a small dining table in there, then I think it's reasonable for you to ask that if he has guests they eat in his room.

Some people just like hanging out in the kitchen peacefully in their own home. I think it's fair that he knows the kitchen isn't really 'his' living space.

As for the speaker phone calls, just ask that he keeps the noise down after a certain time.

You don't want to seem inhospitable or unreasonable, but at the same time you need to feel comfortable with the arrangement.

OP, gently, this isn't the right mindset for lodgers. What you're effectively wanting is a B&B arrangement, where guests stay in their own rooms and don't bother you and only come downstairs into the shared spaces at set times.

It might work better for you to put your spare room on Airbnb, where you would have house guests for short periods and it would be much more of a place to "lay one's hat" than having someone living with you all the time. You would also be able to set times/days when the room wouldn't be available, so you could still have some days/weeks or weekends to yourself. Or you could rent to contractors who only come Mon-Fri for work, leaving you with your weekends to yourself. Airbnb might make you more money too in the end, as you can charge almost as much for a long weekend as a week stay it seems on there.

You can set your house rules up on the Airbnb site as well, so you could quite easily stipulate that the shared kitchen is only available during set hours for guests, no additional non-paying guests allowed, etc.

Well, it's where they live. It's their only living space (unless they're someone only lodging with you at certain times for work or travel). It is their home. They don't own it, but that's not what makes a place home. You can still have boundaries and ground rules, of course, but having a lodger living with you isn't really the same as simply providing a "place to lay ones hat".

I've been a lodger in my time and always made it clear I didn't want to be confined to a bedroom, that's a horrible way to live as far as I am concerned. One landlord agreed to me using the living room, then his girlfriend asked me to leave when I was watching TV and they came in from a night out. It was horrible. So I left, after 10 weeks. Shortest time I have lived anywhere but I hated the feeling of being a prisoner in my room. You say your lodger has another room as well as his bedroom which is different, but as others have said, communication is key, explain what you want, ask what his expectations are, see if a good middle ground can be found. If not, he needs to leave and you will know better about what your boundaries are and your expectations of a lodger are. If you are very clear in your ads you should find someone more suited to you. However people may say anything to get a roof over their heads, so trust your instincts. I had a sort of 'meh' feeling about the place I mentioned above, all other places I have had good feelings about and had good experiences, a couple of landladies became friends I kept in touch with long after I left.

Pudmyboy thanks 😊 he actually has his own living room, bathroom and bedroom on his own floor so that's good. Communication is key, you're right. I'm going to have a chat with him tomorrow, nothing intense. Thanks for your perspective x