issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

While he’s living in it, it’s his home too. It’s YOUR house (and home, but also his too by definition of the fact he lives there).

I don't think you are suited to lodgers, either.

I had three , many years ago, one is still a friend who bought his own house eventually. {he moved here when he was 18!} but he was quiet and respectful and never had overnight guests.

It's normal for lodgers to want overnight guests, and it was these that made me think ''I can't cope with extra people in the house''.

Some people are much better ct coping with lodgers than others.

But one really REALLY gross thing.... about friend had a lodge for a couple of years, and when the lodger left, the mattress was in an horrendous state and had to be thrown away... the lodger had overnight visitors, and partook of an activity that ruined the mattress. {Think biohazard}

Friend had no idea.

The lodge seemed quite quiet.

Free access to the kitchen is pretty important. It is his home while he pays to live there. That doesn't mean there can't be ground rules, but you have an adult living with you, not a child. I'd speak to him about the phone calls because that's not on, but just make sure friends are occasional.

To be fair, you say he’s been there a few weeks but this only appears to have happened once. It doesn’t seem all the unreasonable to me.

This is a completely contradictory comment. You either want him to feel at home or you don't. In his own home he wouldn't have to ask permission to have a guest round or use a speaker in his room.

To be honest you sound a bit too uptight to have a lodger - you keep saying 'it's MY home' - we all get that, but he is paying to stay there and if you want him to live like a silent hermit then that should have been discussed.

Moving forward - how would you have wanted it handled? Him asking your permission? If so - tell him.

Keep in mind though - it may be your house but you are profiting from him staying there so surely you are willing to make some minor compromises?

OP, you need to look up the definitions of both “house” and “home”.

Oh and my sons last lodger was like the male version of SWF 😂

he actually locked my son & his partner out of the house deliberately on two occasions

refused to put the alarm on

would deliberately take a long bath when they got home from work to stop them from using the bath ( they had a ensuite shower )

questioned why his dad came up to charge his car
and numerous other passive aggressive shit

my sons dad basically threw him out 😂

the new lodger my son dad sort of interviewed and so far he’s a 10 out 10 lodger apparently according to my son and his partner

So he's not doing anything you asked him not to do then, YABU.

Strangely enough, when my 18 yr old lodger turned up, with all his heavy Rock posters I thought ''oh NO!! he's going to be a total nightmare! {I was 27 at the time}

He was just lovely.

It's definitely a ''fit'' thing.

I had others who took the piss and smuggled overnight visitors in while I was away, and had them sleeping in my bed!!
{and son's bed!} I felt very invaded.

A suitable lodger is a different thing, but finding one is so tricky.

My lovely 18 yr old even babysat, and DS {now an adult} is friends with him, too, still.

If you don't think that your house / flat is your lodger's home as well as being your home, then where is the lodger's home ?

'The kitchen is where I eat and spend the most time so its a big deal to have to wait to go in there and make my meal.'

yes i expect the kitchen is where your lodger will eat too, and spend time in...

so...did you put hours of use into the contract i.e. you have it from 5pm - 6.30pm or whatever and he has it from 6.30pm - 8pm ?

and did you put a clause in the contract that the kitchen is shut from say 11pm ?

all the more reason to have a contract - to state that he is a lodger rather than a tenant..

Whether you get to an accommodation and it works out, or he moves on, next time around if you live in a town, think about a weekday only rental - that way you get someone that doesn't see it as their home, they go home at weekends, your home is just their base for work.

Please can you quote posters when you're replying.
Thanks.

OP, kindly, you are not suited to having a lodger. You aren't ready or willing to share your space, even with a lodger some compromises are necessary. You haven't made the boundaries clear or done a proper agreement, so your lodger probably has no idea he's done something he isn't meant to. You haven't communicated your expectations properly and this man is now tripping over a bunch of unwritten and uncommunicated rules that you have in your head about what lodging is and isn't and what you expect him to conform to. You've allowed him to move in without him understanding the full terms and conditions of living with you.

Give him notice to move out, before this becomes very unpleasant and stressful for both of you. You can tell him it's not working out for you and you don't actually want to share your home.

I find it odd that you keep saying it’s not his home, do you think of him as homeless?? He has a home, it’s in your house

Then you should have said all this before he moved in. Because he wouldn't have done. He'd have found a nicer home for himself, where he was welcome, not just his money.

Sit him down, give him some ground rules. If he hasn't been told, then he's just doing what he thinks might be ok and if you don't say anything he'll continue none the wiser.

You need to make it very clear. Sadly you understandably didn't/couldn't do this at the start as it was all a bit vague and you didn't know what to expect. But now habits are emerging you need to make it super clear.

Please ask me in advance if you can have a guest. Please take them to your room. If you are cooking for them, please do it after I have eaten and left the room - we need to agree a time.

Please don't use a speaker for your phone calls, it's too noisy.

If you don't like it, ask him to leave. Have you considered having a Ukrainian guest? If you are careful about how you select someone and have a good conversation with them beforehand and lay out ground rules very clearly, that can be a lovely experience. I have had a couple of people stay and it was just amazing. And you will know you're helping someone out, and depending where you live, may get around £500 a month from the council for your help.

Unless you were very clear about them having to give you notice before friends come round you haven't a leg to stand on.

He was eating in the kitchen with a friend. One time in weeks. If that's a problem for you, you're not suited to lodgers.

I'd expect notice for an over night guest. But not one pal round for dinner.

You can absolutely tell him to keep the noisy phonecalls down.

But he's paying to share your home unless you specified otherwise in the beginning.

I don't think you're unreasonable, although those two behaviours aren't rude exactly, just a bit thoughtless. But you absolutely need to be a bit more assertive and have a word with him. As you say, it's your house, you make the rules. Clear communication is better than simmering resentment!

He is disrespectful and pushing your boundaries. Give him notice. Choose someone quieter - Japanese students are the best. Super respectful and very easy to get on.

He does sound thoughtless in his actions. Has he lodged anywhere before this?

My understanding of lodgings is that it isn’t particularly permanent: they’re not a tenant and they are not a co-owner or co-renter so there’s less of a say in the use of the property, communal space etc. It’s more of an ask for permission situation as opposed to freely to what you want kind of situation (a bit like an older teen/ young adult child living with parents). This may well be outdated. What jumps to mind when I think of a lodger is a weekday arrangement travelling for work. Perhaps you’d be better suited to something like this as opposed to a full time lodger? Perhaps sitting down and having a chat to iron out these issues would yield a more positive balance? I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that going forward this works for your needs

As well as being comfortable sharing a home with someone else, to have a lodger you need to be comfortable having frank yet friendly conversations around boundaries and expectations. It's fine that you've come across an issue now that you didn't foresee; you've never had a lodger before. But you do need to be able to initiate an open conversation with him and work out a compromise.

I know I wouldn't be able to cope with having a lodger. I need to be able to relax completely at home and know it's my safe, personal haven away from other people (autism and ADHD definitely contribute to that need!). It doesn't mean anything negative about you as a person if having a lodger isn't for you; nor does this first hurdle mean you can't handle it in the long run. You might just need to re-evaluate how you approach it and get ready to have open discussions.

Yes, I too think this is the best idea.

I hated sharing my space too {apart from with the lovely 18 yr old student} but I needed a Lodger after a divorce, @lodger needs hers after a bereavement, which may be psychologically much harder.

Sharing a bathroom and a kitchen is hard.

People who are lucky enough to have a separate bathroom and kitchen for lodger to use are so lucky, bit most aren't like that.

One other story.... Single parent had a young lad move in at 18, like I did.

One night, her lodger came back completely out of it and she thought he was on some sort of drug, as he was vomiting and 'not masking sense'

She was very angry as had a disabled daughter in the same house.

Next morning, she checked on him, and he was worse.

She called an ambulance, as couldn't risk having someone that out of it in the house.

Except it wasn't drugs.

He ended up in Intensive care for weeks on end with meningitis.

They said the landlady had saved his life, had she not called the ambulance, she'd have come home from work to a likely dead young man.

He was too ill to carry on his uni studies, and his parents were so grateful to her.

If you are going to take a lodger or a tenant, the terms and conditions should be made very clear upfront and there should be no vagueness. It's not understandable or fair to change the goal posts when a lodger has already moved in. I'd be pretty annoyed if I was the lodger and I had a friend round on one occasion, in accordance with the groundrules and was then told actually no that's not acceptable, you have to give notice and you can't be in the kitchen the same time as I want to use it, and by the way you can't use your phone on speaker either.

The calls on speaker, fair enough - he may not realise OP can hear and it's entirely fair to ask him to keep it down. But if I were the lodger, I'd be thinking what else is going to turn out to be an annoyance to this person, what else might come up that she doesn't like and will change her mind about allowing.

I think this story actually illustrates the reality of sharing your home with someone; the whole person and their life comes with it. Including visitors, work, comings and goings, illness, belongings, etc. A whole lot of compromise and acceptance is required to be content living with another person who isn't a loved one.

This is what the young man had.. Had he been in a bedsit, rather than a landlady's house, his illness may have gone unnoticed.

https://www.meningitis.org/meningitis/check-symptoms