issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

@Startingagainandagain It’s very common for lodgers to have this arrangement. It’s not the same as a house share.

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I think I agree that a heads up would be nice, but I don't think not giving one is rude. Is doing something very part time like lodging at yours 2 nights a week while he goes into the office and then spending the other 5 nights at home with his partner or parents? If so, then that's different, but if not your house is his HOME. It may not be his HOUSE, but it is what he calls home. Unless he is being really disrespectful like, making noise till late or damaging furniture etc, it is reasonable for him to do what he would do in another type of home.

I agree. He's a lodger, not a tenant. He isn't renting my home. I pay a much larger financial price for the privilege of it being MY home. He is my lodger and im more than happy for him to bring people home but just common courtesy to give me a bit of heads up about bringing people back so that I can make adjustments and know when to cook

When I was much younger and was looking for somewhere to live I inquired about lodging arrangements a couple of times (with me as the lodger) and in both cases the owners were very uncomfortable when I asked if I could have a friend over sometimes and basically told me to bugger off and I couldn’t lodge with them (I was, believe me, a pretty boring and sensible twenty something), so it seems to be a fairly common condition of lodging agreements. Lodgers have very few rights.

If this is what you would like him to do, you need to tell him! He's not a mindreader and probably thinks it's fine to bring a friend home and eat in the kitchen. Speak to him and make your expectations clear, you should have done this before he moved in!

To be fair if you didn't tell him he had to ask to bring a friend over, he didn't know. Just speak to him one to one. You are both adults

He's behaving as if you have a house share OP, not as a lodger. You will have to have a conversation about his expectations and yours. Perhaps as you say, if he had let you know, you might have felt more comfortable, but then would you expect to have to let him know if you were having a friend over? I would think it's just common courtesy for both of you to do that but maybe that's just me having manners.

On the face of it, it doesn't sound like you are compatible but it may be that with time it will settle into a more acceptable routine.

The phone thing is totally out of order and you would not be unreasonable to tell him that his calls are disturbing you and to turn the speaker off.

I think you need to be quite firm about what you are prepared to accept in your own home or you might find him overstepping the mark, in your eyes, all the time. He does sound a bit like he's lacking in the social niceties or perhaps this is actually what it's like having a lodger. I have no experience of it but think I would feel exactly as you do.

You do need to communicate though if he is to stay. Don't beat around the bush though; be very clear about what you expect, otherwise you will end up feeling miserable and resentful in your own home. If he's not happy with it then he's free to find somewhere else.

It's also his home now. How can you not realise this?

thanks for understanding Fizzadora. Yes I feel he's behaving like a mutual tenant when he is a lodger and its been from day 1 to be honest. Ive been a lodger a few times in peoples homes and would always ask before bringing people back. I think its the right thing to do personally. I will speak to him nicely about it and ask that he just gives me the heads up with bringing people back. The kitchen is where I eat and spend the most time so its a big deal to have to wait to go in there and make my meal.

This is how a lodging arrangement generally works. OP you’re nut unreasonable at all with your expectations.

Sorry but he's my lodger, its not his home. I want him to feel at home of course but he is at the end of the day my lodger, not my tenant. I pay a huge amount of money, that he pays much less reflects his lodger status

It is his home! He pays you to live there! He’s not homeless, is he? I don’t think he’s unreasonable to have a friend over.

if you’re not happy with the arrangement then ask him to leave. I would t like to share my home with a random person.

And as part of that did you tell him he would need to ask before inviting people over, or no?

You are very clear on the differences between having a lodger and having a tenant but it sounds like he views the deal like a house share. You need to set the boundaries now if you want this to work, if not give him notice and start again and set very clear expectations from the start.

no. I assumed he would have the common courtesy as my lodger to give me the heads up that he's bringing people back and using my kitchen for the night

You either need to sort out the ground rules or you need to serve notice. It’s not working at present. Only you will know whether you think it can work.

It’s his home too. He’s paying you for it to be his home.

I think maybe you didn’t fully comprehend what having a lodger entails. He’s not a guest, he’s not a child that needs permission to have friends over. He lives in your house and it is his home for as long as he lives there.

yes in hindsight ive been naive and should have set the ground rules

I do think it'd help you to relax a little about him having a friend back and cooking for them, not making it about respect and how you're paying way more and getting wound up about it. You've not got a contract or been clear about needing notice for visitors and not everyone would assume it was needed, especially just for dinner not overnight. If you don't want him as your lodger because he's getting on your nerves then accept it's not working and give him notice. But he doesn't know you, he's not a mindreader and he's not actually done anything out of the realms of what many lodgers would assume is okay. So if you want it to work out with him, follow up tomorrow with clear expectations going forward.

Hmm op you don't sound flexible enough for a lodger.

Where do you expect him to cook and eat? The kitchen is clearly communal if he hasn't got provision in his living space. You didn't make clear guidelines, he's not a mind reader. It wasn't an overnight guest.

As a woman alone, I think you would have done better to have a female lodger.
But maybe you are not suited to this arrangement at all. Is it a financial necessity.
It's not good to feel uncomfortable in your own house.
I'd tell him it's not working and he needs to leave by the end of the month.

My son and his partner have a lodger

it’s really important to set the ground rules first and write it into a lodgers contract

if you get another lodger in the future ask them if they are the sort of person who has lots of friends around / social butterfly as such
some people are really social like to cook for themselves and friends and others aren’t like that

get a ring doorbell

So in my sons house
lodger has full use of the house apart from the lounge

The bedroom is huge well furnished and the main bathroom is pretty much his as my son & partner have an en suite

there is a dinning area , kitchen, garden

garden office that he can use if he want to work from home and needs privacy
bathroom downstairs toilet all for the lodger to use

his girlfriend can stay over on weekends if he wants so Fri Sat. / Sat Sun

no random hook ups / guests or leaving girlfriend in the house on there own without the lodger being there

kitchen is well equipped and lodger cooks often by all accounts

lodger is fine with these rules

he wanted a lodgers contract as he is buying a flat and wanted somewhere where he can leave without having to much notice or be tied in to year long contract so it suits him perfectly

Probably stated because the things you mention are very minor.

Some experiences I have had and my friends with lodgers have had:

• them coming home drunk at 4am on weeknights and leaving the front door open/unlocked
• them secretly keeping a tarantula in their bedroom as a pet and keeping crickets in our freezer to feed it
• them having a severe case of OCD and spending 6 hours a day cleaning the bathroom, could never get in the bathroom because they were there cleaning it, and would receive endless passive aggressive messages because someone had moved a shampoo bottle wrong
• them using very expensive cleanser that didn't belong to them and having the cheek to complain to me that it "burned" their skin so they threw it away
• having a swinging relationship and inviting their partner and a random different person off the internet home for the night

No it's his home too. It's you that doesn't understand hence PP saying you're not suited to having a lodger.