issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

He’s a lodger not a tenant!

That’s right

Not read many PPs just wanted to let you know you can set whatever boundaries you like and the other person can accept them or leave. I have a friend who had a house in London -- she had a lodger for many
years - he had 2 rooms and a bathroom. It was only him - only for him - no other 3rd parties (his visitors) allowed to come to the house. He did not have any use of kitchen or cooking facilities and had to eat out. This was her arrangement. One never saw or heard him. There was absolutely none of the - ''this is
your home too so do what you like.''

I think you can see, given the range of views here, that there is not one right answer when it comes to lodgers, and there is no law governing it either. You need to set ground rules now, and accept he may leave, which may be better. Then if you do this again, then you need to set them up front now. If you need a lodger in order to pay for your mortgage or lifestyle, then you may need to lighten your rules a bit. What is reasonable to one person may not be to another, so assuming is never a good thing. Your only options are to let it go and continue, or to set rules now and see what happens.

I had a lodger for many years.

If they were having guests for dinner it would be courtesy to let you know. I don't think it's unreasonable to have guests but they should let you know.

My lodger used to speak on their phone for around an hour each evening. Irritating but I'm afraid it's just one of the things that go with the extra income.

Was that Mon- Fri thing? Must've cost him an absolute fortune!!

Nasty? I was defending you.

If you don't feel safe tell him to leave. Have you a friend who can come and stay with you. Change the locks including the shed lock. If lodger you don't have to give much notice. Please make yourself safe x

I never had guests when I was a lodger. It was in a big city with nice places to hang out, so it didn’t occur to me. The landlady showed me a simple contract on the first day and talked it through with me. I would have been able to use the family kitchen by arrangement and had sole use of a kitchenette. It was very very clear to me that I had a (nice big) room and bathroom, in her home. We are still friends years after the lodging ended! Clear boundaries.

I'm sorry, he sounds very inappropriate to eat a treat food as if it belonged to 'the house'.

I agree with everyone who suggests having friends and family to stay, or at least to call in.

Don't let him cuckoo.

I have had multiple different lodgers when I first got a house so was a lot younger and one in my 30's while married. two were brilliant and are now current friends even though I'm now 40 another one also great but don't see him any more as he has moved on. One was horrendous so I kicked him out and got a better one the following month. Found him asleep in my bed, smoked out the window and burnt my conservatory roof and the police bought back his property after being arrested the night before.... If you clash get a new lodger that's the wonderful thing they can be removed almost instantly.

That being said you MUST be a laid back individual to live with other people. You have to accept sharimg common spaces and if you want the easy money (and for me it was very easy money) you must accept people need to eat ect and entertain friends every now and again. I would have cooked dinner and sat down and joined him and his friend that's the kind of person you need to be to make it successful in my experience. I had one who had different pairs of women's shoes appear by the doors quite often but that's life and I quite enjoyed the experience 🤣

Sorry but you remind me very much of a young woman I rented a room from when I left my husband. She was all "treat it as your home" until I actually moved in. She wouldnt even allow me to have my adult sons visit me. And god help me if she had a friend round. I came home from choir practice one night and went to get a drink then straight to my bedroom. I got a very sound telling off the next morning. Followed by,
"By the way We used your milk last night, you don't mind do you?" You need to talk out ground rules and put a contract in place. But it you cant accept disruption then letting a room is not for you.

It sounds like you’ve gone into this very informally with no contract and no real discussion about the nitty gritty of sharing your home with someone, and now it’s coming back to bite you. It’s a discussion you’ll have to have retrospectively, and to be honest I think the best you can hope for is that he decides that it doesn’t suit him, because you’re clearly not happy

Surely it's his home as well?

I think turning down the phone in calls etc is a reasonable ask, the same way you’d ask a neighbour if they could maybe lower the noise in a flat or something. But if he’s paying rent then it IS technically his ‘home’ the same way a rental is, so I don’t see why he should have to tell you everytime he wants to bring a guest over and use the kitchen, as this would generally be classed as a ‘communal area’ especially in most lodger situations I’ve seen advertised.

He’s been there two weeks! It’s not his home, it’s his lodgings. His stay is dependent on not behaving like a total arse. Which unfortunately he’s failed at.

It’s not the same situation at all legally speaking.

As a lodger he is an excluded occupier, because he is living with his landlady.

He isn’t a tenant living in self contained accommodation.

So he is limited security of tenure and needs to behave himself.

It doesn’t make any bloody difference, it’s still his home!!

No it's not a B&B, he should be able to treat it like his home too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Somewhere he can relax have friends around (providing they behave) etc too.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Can't imagine how hard it must be on you to deal with the loss and having to sacrifice privacy in your own home.
Did you look into other options such as benefits etc, or working overtime..
If not, is there a space for little kitchenette in his bedroom and living space? That might be much easier if you can be completely separated.
I would also like to know if stranger is coming to my house, so I would ask him for a quick courtesy message to give you heads up.
If this person grates on you,,maybe try to look for a new lodger, maybe a lady, someone you might have something in common.

My understanding is that lodging is different from a house share. With lodging, you’re just renting a bedroom with discretionary use of communal areas, and is therefore cheaper than a house share where everyone has equal access to facilities.

Nope research it - they have use of living room, kitchen etc.

It's not just the bedroom - research it.

It’s just really not how it works in reality.

One reason is that lodgers are often young men & women and have big crowds of friends that they socialise with a lot.

Live-in-landladies/landlords are often 20+ years older, and of course their social lives are very different.

There absolutely is a danger of a kind of cuckooing where the younger lodger invites round all their random young mates whenever they like, and the naturally more solitary older landlady/ landlord is made to feel unsafe in their own home.

Then add to the equation that the young lodger and random friends may be drinking and taking drugs in the property too.

It can be a really dangerous situation for the homeowner. So of course they have to set rules and be ready to get rid of troublemakers like this one.

Yes I know.

I'm just pointing out that ultimately it's their home too though.

You disagreed on that point.

It depends on what's agreed. DH had a bedroom, use of the kitchen at agreed times and a shared bathroom. He had no access to the living room, this was for the landlady's sole use.

DM's lodgers had no access to the house whatsoever and we put bolts on the doors to the main house to reduce the risk of them coming in. They had a bedroom, bathroom, fridge and microwave.

Lodgers are lodgers if they have shared use of (and that use can be limited to specific times and certain parameters) various rooms, usually bathroom and kitchen or at least one of those.

Sometimes they'll have their own bathroom, sometimes they'll be welcome to share use of a living room.

If their living quarters are completely seperate, so they have their own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living space and there are no communal/shared areas... thats not a lodger. Thats a tenant!

Shared use tends to mean 'come cook your dinner when it won't disturb me, then go and eat it in your own space'.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat your DM's lodgers were not lodgers then. They were tenants.