issues with lodger

[lodger]

Hi

Hoping for a bit of clarity and in need of a chat about my lodger. He's only been
here for a few weeks but ive found it challenging having someone in my home space. Tonight he bought back a friend with no prior warning and occupied the kitchen space and cooked for friend and they both ate at the table, chatting away. I found it quite rude to not give me the heads up that he was bringing a guest back and cooking dinner. I had to make my dinner then leave the kitchen as they were clearly chatting and eating and I felt like a third wheel. He is my lodger and I find this quite rude. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to tell me that he's bringing a friend home? He also makes very loud phone calls alot of the time and hooks his calls up to an external speaker so that I can hear his conversations very clearly. his room is above mine. Again I find this quite disrespectful. Some viewpoints would be handy. Im not used to having people in my home and I lost my husband last year to cancer so its a big deal to have someone living in my space. Its an adjustment

The key was for the shed which has my bike it. He knows I go out on bike most days. It took me two hours to find it xx

I've just changed my vote to say YANBU. That's not on and I think you actually need to give him his marching orders. Sounds like he either really, really, doesn't understand what is expected from him in behaviour terms - or he's deliberately trying to annoy you/ take control over you

Now I have read your update I believe you need to give him notice.

As a sole female you would be safer with a female lodger, though they are thin on the ground. I am exceptionally picky about any male lodger I let into my home. They have to be exceptionally NON macho, and preferably have family and/or friends locally or a girlfriend.

Oh dear. So last night he told me he had been living here 6 months. I found a post of his on Facebook saying he had been living here over two years. I'm not comfortable with the fact he's lied

@lodger - So yes. He has lied. But how can he have been there for 6 months, when you said you have only been in the house for 6 weeks? Did you inherit him when you bought the house?

Ok to clarify. He's been in my house for two weeks. He said yesterday that he's been living in [town name redacted] for 6 months. This morning I found out through a post on his fb page that he's been living here for over two years.

Thanks @lodger for the clarification! He's caused a fair bit of grief in the two weeks he's been there. Time to tell him to move on, in my opinion!!

Mmm why lie, because he can't give references for the time frame he's really been there?

With the additional info/crimes... get rid, asap. He's playing games with you I think, controlling, pushing boundaries. Ick.

After your update, I agree with others who say to get rid of him. His lying would worry me and I wouldn't feel comfortable having him there.

Re the Facebook stalking aspect, checking out the public social media of a potential lodger (and indeed landlord, from the other direction) is a very good idea. Of course it would be better to do before they move in but I am sure op knows that by now.
I regretted not doing that for the one problem lodger I have had in 10+ years of renting out rooms, as it would have made it clear at once we would not be a good fit for each other. You are letting this person live in your actual house, with personal safety and security implications for your whole household. I think checking them out online is not an outrageously intrusive thing to do under the circumstances.

OP you don’t like this man and don’t want him in your house. You’ve made a mistake with the lodger you’ve chosen and you didn’t think things through well enough. You’re now going on about keys being moved and food being eaten and feeling uncomfortable, and you’re checking his FB! This is not going to get better so just woman up and tell him he has to go as it’s not worked out.

I honestly think you need to live alone for a while, then draw up a fair lodgers contract and find someone better suited. Interview them re. their lifestyle. You might suit someone who goes away for the weekend or works evenings.

What a tough situation. I can well believe he is pushing the boundaries of what he thinks he can get away with. Some people don't like not being in control. Either that or with him being a man he won't like a woman having the power here. I think he needs to go or he'll start wearing you down mentally.

I would absolutely address the stolen food immediately and not nicely - I'd do it with an icy tone to get over that is really not acceptable. Same with the shed key. I think really that would be the last straw and I'd tell him it's not working out and he needs to pack his bags.

The problem with being nice is people try and walk all over you. No one is ever as reasonable and considerate as me and I do wonder if they see my niceness for weakness, either consciously or unconsciously.

So you were searching for the key to your shed for two hours?🙄
I'd have bagged his stuff up and had it waiting for him.
OP, if you don't wake up you will become a cautionary tale for vulnerable naive women allowing themselves to be taken advantage of.
Help yourself.
Have you not enough grief going on.

Yes, I'm checking his Facebook. I don't feel safe and I want to know the person I'm living with as I'm getting alarm bells. I dont need to be told to woman up thanks

It's his home too. You are charging him for lodging and he has the right to use the house as his home. If you don't agree with this, you are not suitable for having a lodger. You also didn't seem to discuss any expectations and are now upset because you would have done things differently. You feel disrespected despite not agreeing things in advance. It's all to do with you and nothing to do with him. He can't read your mind.
I lodged several times before. With some of my hosts, they said right away that they didn't want guests before we even signed the contract. Others were fine with guests and didn't need an announcement. Not once have I been told that it is their home and I am not allowed to use the shared areas of the house at my convenience.

Have you read ALL of the Ops posts? She knows she made a mistake at the outset, so not necessary to rub it in some more. Also if you had read them you would know that actually her lodger is actually taking the piss/trying to take control of things and she needs him gone. Right Now.

You don’t feel safe and you don’t want this man in your house - tell him it’s not worked out and he has to go. What’s the point of dithering on here about it? What is scrolling through his Facebook going to do now? He’s already in the house. The time for social media stalking was before he moved in.

I rented a room in a house where we fell out because I actually cooked meals. I lived on sausages, bread and takeaways for a while because they used to get so upset I wanted to cook, eat and then wash up rather than washing up before eating. I was also expected to eat my food in my room on the fourth floor of the house without spilling any.

I was asked to leave in the end. It may be that your expectations of a lodger are not the same as the lodger you have.

Christ! They want your money but also want you to not exist.

Totally! I’ve had lodgers and would never dream of making them feel like a second class citizen in their own home.

If someone is paying to live somewhere it is their home!

A lodger needs access to a kitchen and bathroom, it’s totally normal they would share a meal with a friend in their kitchen. And since they are living there, it is their kitchen too.

Accepting someone’s money to live in your home comes with responsibility. It’s not just a one-way street where their funds get redirected to you and you get to live your life as if they don’t exist.

Special preferences about guests, etc. need to be communicated and agreed in advance. People aren’t mind-readers, and cooking tea with a friend is not ‘disrespectful’, it’s normal behaviour.

oh for goodness sake !

now you don't feel safe !

give him the month's notice.

it's now becoming one issue after another, and it started off with him using the kitchen for too long the other day, 14th Oct it's now 17th

you are the person that didn't issue a contract, didn't seem to take references, did you carry out a credit check ?

you decided you wanted a lodger but seem very unprepared for having one - you are not stupid you know how to use the internet and have a Mumsnet account and can post, you managed to buy a property

why on earth did you not find out about lodgers ? there is enough info on Google.

and as a woman living on her own, you chose a man to lodge with you ! ?
why.

how many lodgers did you interview, or was he the only applicant. or the first applicant ?

you are now putting yourself into a situation where you are going to have to stay in all day every day, and follow him around the property / garden or stay in the (shared) kitchen 24 hours a day

maybe you could invite family / friends to come and stay with you as much as possible for a month.

Surely that’s the difference between lodger and flatmate. I’ve been both and lodging is very much a stick to your room when here type thing. Fine for me at the time. I think it’s really important to get expectations clear at the outset.

You don’t need to give a lodger a full rental period’s notice when you legitimately believe your safety is at risk.

You can tell him today that he has to be out by Saturday. No debate needed. Give him a fixed time of midday so he doesn’t try to drag it out or not leave at all.

If he is from the town (which you probably shouldn’t have identified, OP! Mods can remove that!) - then he surely has friends and relatives he can stay with till he finds somewhere else.

We know he has a girlfriend, he can shack up with her for a while.

You’d be perfectly within your rights to change the locks. Ask the police to attend if you fear there will be a breach of the peace.

I would tell him he has to leave immediately: the placing of your key somewhere so unobvious was not an accidental move. He's up to no good. He can go stay with a friend / parents. It's not your problem at all.

@threeunrelatedwords the town 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m reporting it now and hopefully mods remove. Don’t know why she’d do that.

I agree. Such a deliberately malicious thing to do.