To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

I had this with one of my best friend's husband though it was just a single message. I didn't know what to do so I showed it to another mutual bestie and we agreed I'd just ignore it. In the mean time (several years later) his wife has told us girls as a group how her husband has been accused of things by her wider family - stories they've heard - that he "couldn't possibly of done" and that they are just jealous. I have my doubts of course but have stayed silent as I don't want to be the one to blow up her world.

If this guy is behaving like this to you then he may well be to others too and her world may well implode at some point anyway without your input. Question is do you want to be the one to bring her world down? Personally I wouldn't and didn't but that doesn't of course mean you shouldn't. Really tough one - probably no right or wrong answer. If you don't tell her then just be prepared on what to say if she does find out.

I'd literally just send screenshots. No way I'm getting caught up in other people's drama.

Yes, at first the OP says they were 'flirty, suggestive, and hinting at more'

And she said she 'hasn't outright told him to stop'.

Then it transpired he basically asked her for sex.

She needs to take and keep screen shots.

Absolutely spot on.

She still needs to block him though.

Yes, this.
I actually thought what you did.
It's not difficult to tell a man to FO.

Lesson learnt OP. Men don't do "hints". They are predatory, entitled and egotistical in a way that few (if any) women are. They are used to women smiling politely at their vile sexual and misogynistic remarks. As women we're conditioned not to offend male egos or otherwise be accused of not understanding "banter". I've played into this role myself when I was younger and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of it now I'm in my sixties.

You should tell the wife and then block them both. You can't see this man again in your regular group setting and you may (probably will) lose the wife as a friend but if it all comes out you will anyway.

To be honest I don't understand why you're even replying to him at all. I'd be angry at you for that if I was her (in addition to being angry at him).

Candaceowens

I'm tending to agree here. I'd be miffed at the pair of you tbh

IMO you’re just as bad as he is for allowing it to carry on and not telling him to stop- he will turn this around onto you if she does find out.
if he’s doing it to you he’ll be doing it to other women. Tell her before he does and you’re the one to blame.

It may not be to you, but some people it really is. There’s always the worry of what reaction you’ll get.

You probably should tell her but be prepared to lose the friendship.

People can be funny and she may not react the way you might think and she probably will not thank you for it. She may blame you or she may not

You should have cut this nonsense in the bud from the start by telling him to back off. Text him today and tell him to bug off or you will tell his wife.

Unfortunately social conditioning has done a number on you, OP. I'm not blaming you - we're so taken with the idea that we shouldn't rock the boat, and worried that we are making a fuss.
However, your friend may not see it like this, and you need to be prepared for her to take umbrage at your handling of things so far and hold you accountable, even though he's the one that is wholly to blame.

You know that you need to tell her, and you need to tell him to stop, that he's a creep, and block him.

Well he is certainly not the sharpest tool in the box otherwise why on earth would he basically condemn himself by putting it in writing

That's a good idea. Clear and inconvenient for him to explain if his wife asks him to pass on a message for any reason.

I also agree this is a great message. Send this now. There is no reason to wait and see because he has shown he wont stop. I get you didnt want to make it awkward but its bloody well HIM making things awkward, not you. He has basically asked you round for a shag and you keep laughing at it- I am not blaming you in any way as he is the sleaze here but he may well have thought by you joking about it that all he has to do is push just a little bit more and you'll agree to it. Then its going to ruin your friendship with this woman.

Send this message now and tell him in no uncertain terms to fcking stop. If you dont, you will lose this friendship.

In absolutely no way is OP just as bad as him. He’s a nasty cheating scumbag. The only thing she’s guilty of is not knowing how to handle it.

So basically, you think he is either joking and it’s the OP’s fault for misunderstanding OR
SHE has led him on in some way?! So in both your scenarios, it’s not his fault??

How about secret option 3 - he is an entitled wanker and has made the OP feel very uncomfortable and put her in an awkward situation?! Men can sense ‘polite’ women. Trust me, I used to be one. He probably thought she would be an easy target and wouldn’t want to rock the boat. And he was right - he has preyed on her. OP has already said she regrets not shutting him down sooner and that she is going to tell him to stop and tell her friend.

OK, so she blocks him, and no, he's not going to say anything in front of his wife unless he's an idiot. What happens after? The Ops never going to be comfortable around him again

Yes, but not blocking him isnt going to magically make this go away either is it? The damage is well and truly done now- she is NEVER going to feel comfortable around him even if she doesnt block him but at least blocking him means he is physically unable to do it again

I also can’t believe the amount of posters saying they haven’t and wouldn’t tell their friends in this situation!!!

I think you should tell her right away but make sure you telling him to stop is included in the screenshots. Explain how awkward this has made you feel and at first you didn't know whether you were overreacting or whether he was joking.

If he has form for being untrustworthy, she could very easily look through his phone and see the messages. If you don't tell her, how could she ever trust you again? Kids or no kids, I think you should tell her. I would want to know.

Or he's a dog who just goes sniffing at every tail until someone falls for his 'charms'?

Or he has such little regard for his partner that he doesn't even need to take his filth further afield.

There could be any number of reasons that don't make the OP guilty of leading him on.

But even if any of your reasons

He’s as thick as shit putting it in writing

Oh good lord, surely it can't be news to anyone that many women have been conditioned to react politely and smoothe over any embarrassment in any and every situation. This is precisely why he feels confident to send these sleazy messages. He may even have targeted OP because he knows she's unassertive and will neither tell his wife nor tell him to fuck off.

OP: Tell him to fuck off and tell his wife. Don't be surprised if they stay together and blame you. You have done nothing wrong but this is a no win situation, because some people would always rather blame a woman than a man for the fact that he can't keep it in his trousers. Sorry this is happening to you.

That he is.

If you tell her then it's highly likely you'll lose the friendship and if she finds out it's highly likely you'll lose the friendship. You're in a no-win situation I'm afraid.

Send him a text and really tell him off and tell him to back off right now or you will tell her.