To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

Sounds like you’re not the first person he’s been trying it on with behind his wife’s back and won’t be the last.

Whether you love her or have decent moral values, the right thing to do is to tell her, whatever her response to you.

I wouldn’t think twice about telling her!

She’s your friend, not him.

A stranger, I may have reservations about saying anything but my friend I would absolutely tell.

I don’t understand why you are still allowing this.

Why did you not tell him to fuck off, screenshot, block and send it to your friend the first time it happened.

i Would say eww no thanks and block

But you don’t even have to confront.

OP could have just blocked him after the first message and so he wouldn’t have been able to send more.

He has been asking her for sex and she’s been letting it go on for weeks.

Those messages aren’t hints or innuendos. They are outright attempts to cheat with his wife’s friend and she needs to know. He should have never started to begin with and that idea that you didn’t shut him down hard enough makes his behaviour seem like your fault, when it’s his. I’d invite her round and take her through the entire exchange of messages, telling her why you’d tried to minimise it for as long as you could - purely so as not to make this situation explode.

Yes, it’s obviously all the OP’s fault for letting him crack on to her 🙄

Whatever you do, if you do decide to tell the wife, don't give him any kind of warning ("I'll tell your wife!" or anything to that regard) because you're giving him a head start to spin a story that will paint you as the initiator. Just go straight to her.

"But I have evidence, I have the texts!"- his wife won't care. She will believe what he says before she believes the content of the texts, regardless of how irrational that is.

Been through it. Her other half waited till I was drunk to grope me. He Actually called me up the next day to see if I remembered anything.
She stayed with him and we no longer speak.

That wasn't what I was saying. I was trying to get across that he may well do it again with someone else. I didn't want the op to think she was just anyone but that there is a risk that he is a wanderer. Don't stir the pot

How exactly did you respond to him when you 'brushed him off' ? Because you might have downplayed that too...

Stop being polite and be brutal, tell him to fuck off

Are they still together?

It’s great that you feel this isn’t a big deal, more power to you. But you really underestimate how difficult this sort of situation is for some people. As a few people have pointed out, women are often conditioned as people pleasers who don’t rock the boat. She may have been worried about offending him. Honestly, the social conditioning is that strong. It’s likely he targeted her as someone who is not assertive for exactly this reason. If you could have handled it better that’s great, but please try to have a little understanding of those who struggle to set such boundaries.

‘Mate, stop sending me such weird messages - you’re going to make life awkward for everyone. If you need to talk to me about something get friend to ask me”

then ignore everything he sends, friendly or otherwise.

it’s up to you if you want to mention it. I suspect it’s probably not worth it - if you were truly close to her you would have already brought it up with her!

Sorry OP, but you are already lying to this woman and you really must tell her and extract yourself from this. Too many blurred lines.

I think I’d tell her, knowing our friendship is probably over either way, but she needs to be able to make an informed decision. You may not be the first woman he’s approached, so she may be aware that he’s done this once before and took him back; there may be other women that he’s approached this way so if it’s not you taking him up on his offers, then someone else may.

You’ll feel awful if she’s hurt by an affair with someone else down the line and you said nothing.

This 💯

You're between a rock and a hard place OP.
If you tell her and she splits from her dh she will always remember he came on to you.That will hurt her so much.
I'm not sure your friendship will survive.

Ok, my apologies for misunderstanding

This, @ThisLoudBeaker.

I said this exact thing to my dad when I was 16.
Only it was pre-internet and the evidence was a note his secretary wrote him.

Put the pressure on the bad guy - not on yourself.

Send him a firm message saying that you are not open to his suggestions and tell him if these suggestive texts don’t stop you will show them to your friend.

Why didn't you tell him to get lost & blick him after the first message?

If he's sent you loads of messages then you are complicit through your silence

Op morally the right thing to do is to be honest but you need to be prepared that she is likely to blame you and cut you off. I have never seen a single situation like this work out well.

I would message back and say you hope he is joking as it’s very inappropriate and block him. I personally wouldn’t say anything.

I agree, you should have nipped this in the bud at the very first point of contact. This reflects very badly on you.

I think this is a really difficult situation.

I'm very much of the mind that if I discovered a man I was dating was married I'd tell.

But when it's a friend's husband? Very difficult. Sadly, I've had this a few times 🙄

1. Was a long standing friendship of 10 years. We'd holidayed and Christmased together. Our children were friends. I told him to stop. It all went quiet for months and then he made a move on me. I've not seen either of them since.

I'm pretty confident he told her the friendship had suddenly ended because I'd made a pass at him but I knew she wouldn't have believed me if I'd said anything.

1. I told him not to be a dick. He apologised and never did it again. I didnt tell her. I probably should but she been cheated on in the past and trusted him. I didn't want to be the one responsible for shattering that. Yes, I was a coward.

1. I just ignored it. He tried again a couple of times. I ignored him again. He was very awkward around me socially when we next met up. I was friendly and smoothed the waters bit he hasn't tried it again and I would tell her if he did it again.

It's hard because, if it were me, I'd want to know but when you're single, risking losing your friends is too big a gamble. and, as the single woman, its always your fault 🙄