Page 12 | To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

ThisLoudBeaker · 2024-10-14T15:46:44+00:00

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

5iveleafclover · 14/10/2024 20:58

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/10/2024 20:19

I can't believe the number of 'it's your fault, you should have shut him down completely' posts. It is always possible that this bloke is a) messaging many many other women and it's not just OP and b) OP doesn't want to blow up her friendship when if the man had even a shred of decency he would have apologised, stopped messaging and kept himself very very quiet from there on.

This is HIS fault, It's on HIM. It's not on women to have to absolutely, definitely, without any misunderstanding possible, shut men down when they go too far. Men should just NOT GO TOO FAR. In fact, they shouldn't even start.

Infuriating isn't it? The sheer amount of posters who have used the words "you allowed..." is shocking. I tried earlier on in the thread to address this but the usual insults about "reading comprehension" etc. were fired at me.

It's very worrying the amount of posters here who automatically blame women for mens behaviour. Let's not even start on the "You seem to be enjoying the attention OP" bullshit.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/10/2024 21:02

Choochoo21 · 14/10/2024 20:53

Of course it is his fault and he is the one in the wrong.

But OP does need to take some responsibility here.

If a woman was messaging your DH saying he’s sexy and asking for sex and it had been going on for weeks and he carried on texting her, you would not be saying ‘poor DH’.

You would wonder why he didn’t shut it down immediately.

There have been multiple threads on here about women messaging their DH’s and being flirty (not even blatantly asking for sex) and posters are quick to say he’s just as bad because he didn’t shut it down or block.

Show quote history

I think I just see it slightly differently because if she'd come down really strong on the first message then he has the defence of saying 'this was meant for my wife, I sent to the wrong number, but the fact that it was taken seriously means OP has obviously been thinking of me...' and sometimes it really is a genuine mistake. Or 'it was just a joke!! I'd NEVER fancy OP....'

Sometimes it takes a couple of messages before you realise that, OMG, he really IS being a sleazy creep and he really DOES want to try to bed me.'

I don't think the person being messaged can be berated for not shutting the convo down right away. What if someone gets sent sleazy messages they never even read? Or are just so gobsmacked they genuinely don't know what to say? The onus is on the sender to not be a creep.

Lollyp2 · 14/10/2024 21:05

OP please be noble enough to tell her.
Don't be the awful friend.

I sm still trying to work out how the OW was the person who planned my hen do when my DH has obviously been chatting her up and even asking her to go for a swim with him.

Recently I got to find out myself that they have a thing going on when I saw his messages to her and when I saw his body language towards her.
It's becoming more evident with the body language as my DH cannot contain himself when near her.

Please please tell her.
She may thank you for saving her from mental health issues which I am currently suffering from.

Choochoo21 · 14/10/2024 21:09

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/10/2024 21:02

I think I just see it slightly differently because if she'd come down really strong on the first message then he has the defence of saying 'this was meant for my wife, I sent to the wrong number, but the fact that it was taken seriously means OP has obviously been thinking of me...' and sometimes it really is a genuine mistake. Or 'it was just a joke!! I'd NEVER fancy OP....'

Sometimes it takes a couple of messages before you realise that, OMG, he really IS being a sleazy creep and he really DOES want to try to bed me.'

I don't think the person being messaged can be berated for not shutting the convo down right away. What if someone gets sent sleazy messages they never even read? Or are just so gobsmacked they genuinely don't know what to say? The onus is on the sender to not be a creep.

Show quote history

Fair enough, the first couple of times he messaged OP could have been taken back and not know how to respond etc.

But this has been going on for weeks and he has asked OP for sex.

This isn’t face to face.
OP isn’t being put on the spot.

It doesn’t take much to ask him to stop texting, ignore the messages or block.

Not one poster would be sticking up for the receiver if it was a man.
None of us would be making excuses as to why he’d let it go on for weeks and carry on replying, even after the woman had asked him for sex.

Caiti19 · 14/10/2024 21:15

I also think certain sleaze bags are very careful about who they try it on with. He might have chosen you precisely because he felt sure he'd be able to groom you with messages gradually increasing in inappropriateness, so that you find yourself weeks into it in a state of confusion. My earlier advice still stands though: Screenshot, Block, Don't Tell Wife.

GretchenWienersHair · 14/10/2024 21:33

R053 · 14/10/2024 20:40

I think these kind of men who try their luck with their wives’ friends rely on those women staying silent and not wanting to cause fuss, even if they refuse their advances. This is usually the case with sexual harassment in other contexts such as the workplace.

What struck me about the OP’s posts was the many references of not wanting to cause drama as a reason for not shooting it down. This is how we women are socialised. Directness, which is the correct response is not an attribute that is valued in females.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

GreyCarpet · 14/10/2024 21:35

Savingthehedgehogs · 14/10/2024 20:31

Of course it’s his fault. The fact remains that many women would rather blame other women than deal with the scrotum they are married to. Fact. It is unfair but it’s also true.

Show quote history

This is precisely why I didn't say anything.

SavageTomato · 14/10/2024 21:38

This is not your fault and it's all his. You are clearly a nice person who has been blindsided by this utter fucking creep. So firstly, you have every right to tell him to fuck off and never so much as speak to you again. And yes, do tell her what he's done. Sorry, it's such a shit situation.

Toastandbutterand · 14/10/2024 21:51

I hope you find a solution.

For future reference, as a perpetually single lady who has kids now in their 20's, any time, ever, at all, that someone's partner messages me about anything, I screenshot it and send it immediately to the other person in the couple and ask if they have approved their partner contacting me. Obviously I went through the same thing you're going through first though. Quite a few people suck, I'm sorry.

I have been hit on by about 20 husbands and one wife.

In one case, my friend said yes, my husband wants to be in your world of warcraft gaming group and we're all still firm friends. But everyone else was dodgy.

I can't remember what I did that first time, but I'm not longer friends with either of them, sorry. None of this is your fault.

k1233 · 14/10/2024 22:48

Don't wait for him to message again. Send him a message along the lines of

I value my friendship with your wife and have tried to be polite, but you clearly aren't getting the message. Your texts make me extremely uncomfortable. They are unwelcome, beyond inappropriate and need to cease.

MzHz · 14/10/2024 22:54

ThisLoudBeaker · 14/10/2024 17:09

I totally get what you mean. His messages have been a bit more than casual compliments, things like “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around. It’s definitely crossed a line, and I’d want to know if I were in her shoes. I’m just worried about the fallout if I do tell her.

Show quote history

You realise you won’t be the first of her friends he’s had a sniff at?

tell him to fuck off and never contact you again or you’ll forward everything to his wife

and tell him you might just do that anyway because he’s a sleaze and she deserves better

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 06:53

MzHz · 14/10/2024 22:54

You realise you won’t be the first of her friends he’s had a sniff at?

tell him to fuck off and never contact you again or you’ll forward everything to his wife

and tell him you might just do that anyway because he’s a sleaze and she deserves better

Show quote history

well if he’s been as stupid as putting it all i. writing as he has done with the Op… it would appear there is a cloak of silence amongst all these women
or
the wife knows because one or more of these women have told her and she remains with him nonetheless

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 06:54

fair enough if you’re not one for confrontation

fair enough if you regard blocking as confrontation and you’re not confident to do so

but what about the third option of… just not responding?

Calliopespa · 15/10/2024 07:40

WigglyVonWaggly · 14/10/2024 19:14

Those messages aren’t hints or innuendos. They are outright attempts to cheat with his wife’s friend and she needs to know. He should have never started to begin with and that idea that you didn’t shut him down hard enough makes his behaviour seem like your fault, when it’s his. I’d invite her round and take her through the entire exchange of messages, telling her why you’d tried to minimise it for as long as you could - purely so as not to make this situation explode.

Problem is we don’t know exactly what these messages say.

Increasingly I’m thinking that would only expose how facilitative op has been. We can’t really advise properly without understanding what’s been said both ways op.

If you don’t want to tell us the flirtier ones, can you give us your most censorious so that we can see how to morph that into a “ look I’ve tried to convey this is not happening, not on” response? It’s potentially tricky if in fact you haven’t sent anything like that. What was the actual wording of the joker one? ( or your least encouraging response?)

5iveleafclover · 15/10/2024 08:01

Don't answer these OP. Yet another one who's trying to blame you and can't be bothered to read your posts.

Increasingly I’m thinking that would only expose how facilitative op has been

What was the actual wording of the joker one? ( or your least encouraging response?)

Fannyfiggs · 15/10/2024 08:19

The misogyny in this thread is unreal.

This man has caused this situation by messaging the OP and putting her in a difficult position.

What you would do in this situation or how quick you would shut it down is irrelevant. All OP is looking for is whether she should tell her friend that her H is a fucking creep. She's not looking for a character assassination 🙄

I would tell my friend as I would want to know in her situation.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 15/10/2024 08:26

Tell her definitely. You should of told him to stop the first time he did it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/10/2024 08:28

You’re not in the wrong, he is, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and now clearly you should have been firmer with your responses rather than “you’re such a joker”. I can see why you wouldn’t want to rock the boat and now you have to sink it.

Either:
Stop messaging me. It’s unwanted and inappropriate. Any more messages like this and I will tell your wife.
Or:
Tell your friend what’s been happening. Prepare for the fallout.

MzHz · 15/10/2024 08:40

I remember now when I lived abroad I got to know an American woman married to a local, there were so precious few people to speak to and my ex was hideously controlling (stereotypical of the region) and out of nowhere I got an email from him.

I forwarded it to her and said did he mean to email me? It’s not appropriate in this region to do this and Id prefer to keep comms between me and her only

she came back with some wet excuse for him but I think the friendship petered out after that

probably the flip side of the shitty coin those shitty creatures play. Cut her off from friends or potentially fish in a pond outside his own backyard he probably saw it as a win/win situation

badhappenings · 15/10/2024 08:52

In no uncertain terms, message him (so you have proof), to stop it immediately, or you will have to tell your friend. Do NOT respond to any of his, I didn't mean it like that messages.
What a creep, your poor friend.

deeahgwitch · 15/10/2024 09:46

If your friend finds out and you haven't told her he will twist it that you came on to him.
If you tell her he will twist it that you came on to him.

I do hope you kept screenshots of his messages.

deeahgwitch · 15/10/2024 09:47

k1233 · 14/10/2024 22:48

Don't wait for him to message again. Send him a message along the lines of

I value my friendship with your wife and have tried to be polite, but you clearly aren't getting the message. Your texts make me extremely uncomfortable. They are unwelcome, beyond inappropriate and need to cease.

This is a great response.

OVienna · 15/10/2024 12:16

k1233 · 14/10/2024 22:48

Don't wait for him to message again. Send him a message along the lines of

I value my friendship with your wife and have tried to be polite, but you clearly aren't getting the message. Your texts make me extremely uncomfortable. They are unwelcome, beyond inappropriate and need to cease.

This message is perfect. OP - send this today and then block him. When your friend finds and eventually goes through his phone (likely) she'll see it.

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 12:22

I agree; that's a great message.

Calliopespa · 15/10/2024 15:04

5iveleafclover · 15/10/2024 08:01

Don't answer these OP. Yet another one who's trying to blame you and can't be bothered to read your posts.

Increasingly I’m thinking that would only expose how facilitative op has been

What was the actual wording of the joker one? ( or your least encouraging response?)

OP is wanting to find a way forward with this. It’s not trying to blame her at all: it’s trying to navigate the reality that her friend will want to blame her. That’s how it goes. Shoot the messenger.

I fully grasp how op has ended up in this predicament; but it’s not my DH sending her the texts. It’s important op approaches it with her friend so it stacks up. However much you may expect the friend to say “ op was just put in an awkward position” that is not going to be the friend’s first reaction. She is going to feel betrayal from all quarters.