To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

They’ve been more of the ‘testing the water’ kind of messages - flirty, suggestive, and hinting at more. No explicit photos, but definitely crossing a line. It’s making me really uncomfortable, and I’m worried it’s only going to escalate if I don’t do something.

Also, can you give examples of your polite replies?
I agree you need to be more direct, but most people should be able to read the room and tell that you’re not interested

Thing is surely better her life turned upside down now than in another 2/3/4/5 years with an std or a mistress with a pregnancy announcement.

How the fuck did he manage to send you more than one?

Surely you told him to fuck off after the very first one?

He does sound like a complete shit. I’d wonder if there is more to it. It’s bad enough him sending suggestive messages to another woman but to his wife’s friend??? Does he think you’re just not going to tell her? Or is he doing it to see if you would tell her?

I backed away from a good friend when her dh did similar. He sent me a dick pic for my birthday.. No warning. Grim. They had 2 small dc and I felt the shoot the messenger would apply so I kept quiet and backed away.

Just forward them on. Screenshot so she can see (presumably) your brush offs or no response back and just say you're not getting involved in any chat, it's nothing to do with you, she has the info, it's between her and her husband and she can do what she wants about it from the hard facts. You are not a participant in this so I wouldn't allow yourself to be part of the narrative

You're not protecting her by keep this secret, you're protecting him.

Explain why he deserves that?

I totally get what you mean. His messages have been a bit more than casual compliments, things like “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around. It’s definitely crossed a line, and I’d want to know if I were in her shoes. I’m just worried about the fallout if I do tell her.

That’s a real shame, I would have told her in that position

Oooh shit. Yes, highly inappropriate!!
What did you say back to him?
I agree with telling him in no uncertain terms to stop and then telling your friend.

My replies have been more along the lines of brushing it off with jokes or changing the subject, like, “Haha, you’re such a joker!” or just ignoring his comments altogether. I didn’t want to cause awkwardness, but I can see now that being polite isn’t working. I guess I thought he’d get the hint, but clearly he hasn’t.

I was the wife in this situation. He was actually doing this with many of my less close friends. I wish just one of them had told me...

I know I should have shut it down more firmly from the start. I didn’t want to cause drama or make things awkward with my friend, so I kind of hoped he’d stop on his own. But I realise now I should’ve been more direct and told him to stop after the first message. Lesson learned!

55% of people think you shouldn’t tell her? WHAT? I’m surprised. Honestly, I would tell her. What she chooses to do with that information is her call, but if he’s that audacious to be so clearly crossing a line with his wife’s friend (“up for some fun”? 🤮), I’d bet my arse that you’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last.

Whoa whoa whoa this is way over the line. Forget about asking him to stop, she deserves to know what kind of man she’s married to. Yes it may blow up your friendship but a real friend wouldn’t let another friend stay with a man like this without giving her the chance to make her own decisions about it with full knowledge. Because yeah he may stop with you, but who knows how many other women he’s doing this with, or will do with, in the future?

I can’t understand why you didn’t immediately block him. Tell him to fuck off and block. He’s an idiot.

I am a bit confused. Why is your friend’s husband messaging you at all, let alone inappropriately. And why didn’t you either tell him to bugger off or at least ignore them?

Now you are in a bit of a mess! Your friend will surely be upset if you show them to her and she sees your ‘brush offs’ and, if you don’t show her and it ever comes out, your friendship is without doubt over.

Probably your best bet is to tell him firmly to stop and ignore any further messages and then delete them all and hope she never finds out.

Like so many other men, he is obviously too arrogant to get that you’re brushing him off. I get why you wouldn’t want to cause any awkwardness but he is in the wrong here, not you. She needs to know. Face to face so you can explain to her what you’ve told us. Sorry, horrible position to be in!

@ThisLoudBeaker all inappropriate from you both.

Are you flattered?

Come on, knock it on the head. Now!

Exactly! That’s part of what’s been making me hesitate. I keep wondering if he’s testing me to see if I’d actually tell her or if he’s just that arrogant to think I won’t say anything. It feels like a no-win situation either way, but I know keeping quiet isn’t fair to her.

He's not going to take a hint because the deluded slimy fucker thinks he has a chance. Say NFW and move on. Don't tell her, unless you don't care about her friendship in which case go for it.

Exactly it’s got to hurt so much more knowing all these people you considered even loose friends where all being hit on by your partner and they all kept quiet knowing.

Wondering if they were all knew he had tried each of them too!

Lost the friendship anyway and delayed the dumping.

Even if you pass the message on in a convoluted way, you have to tell her! Can't believe PP got a dick pic and said nothing.

I mean the guy has been stupid enough to send non-disappearing messages, evidence is right there.

'Suggestive and hinting' at more?

Yet you went on to say...

and asking if I’m “up for some fun” when he knows his wife isn’t around.

So which one is it? Because that's not hinting or suggestive, it's blatantly asking you 😳