To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

This is absolutely not your fault, and it is a very difficult situation to have to deal with. I completely understand why you felt replying politely and hoping they got the hint nicely was the right way to manage it. He should have backed off at that point, but as not, I would block now..

Maybe it's time to say look, I've tried to politely brush you off but you haven't taken the hint. I don't want you to text me these things. I've screenshot them all. Leave me alone or I'll show your wife.

Get her told. This not wanting to cause an issue mindset is ridiculous. Her husband is a pig, and she deserves to know more than you feeling uncomfortable about telling her.

Jesus Christmas of course you should tell her that her husband is a vile, unfaithful pos. She is your friend isn't she...???

Absolutely.

Op he is definitely not hinting. And I get you were trying to give him the brush off. You tried. Now it's time to send these to his wife.

Bit harsh when there's always as many people on these threads telling the OP to say nothing.

It's so easy to blame the OP but I can imagine it's much harder when you're blindsided and I can imagine not wanting to cause a scene.

Surely we should stop blaming women for men's poor behaviour. If we did fewer of them would get away with it.

I think that this is the best way to deal with it OP, unless there's any reason why he absolutely NEEDS your number, then there is no need for him to have it, and if he doesn't have it, he can't continue to pester you. If he can't contact you, then there is nothing to tell his wife about. So by doing this, there's a fair chance that you won't lose your friendship.

You have to screenshot and send

I can't believe the number of 'it's your fault, you should have shut him down completely' posts. It is always possible that this bloke is a) messaging many many other women and it's not just OP and b) OP doesn't want to blow up her friendship when if the man had even a shred of decency he would have apologised, stopped messaging and kept himself very very quiet from there on.

This is HIS fault, It's on HIM. It's not on women to have to absolutely, definitely, without any misunderstanding possible, shut men down when they go too far. Men should just NOT GO TOO FAR. In fact, they shouldn't even start.

Agree with this. Just keep it factual
Friend needs to know of his deceitfulness, as uncomfortable as it is for you. Take care

Is there a reason you can't block him as a contact?

In this situation, I would block him, but would not tell the friend.

If friend ever discovered I had blocked him, and asked me directly why, I would tell her why.

You're in dangerous territory sending jovial responses.

Incidently, @ThisLoudBeaker
Your AIBU in the post Title contradicts the AIBU in the body of your OP.

(Just thought you should know, as that's likely to skew the voting results, depending on which one any given respondant is referencing.)

Anyway, I think you've concluded to have a heart to heart with your friend.
I'd support that action, too.

Good luck.

You know your friend and if she's the face to face or call or text type. It's not one size fits all. She may be someone who would rather be given the time and space to react and feel how she wants over message or call without being stared down by the OP waiting for a reaction and response face to face . Or she may be someone who'd prefer the opposite. The wrong approach can make it worse. Hopefully, OP is already planning to tell her in the best way for her friend.

Of course it’s his fault. The fact remains that many women would rather blame other women than deal with the scrotum they are married to. Fact. It is unfair but it’s also true.

I just want to say that I disagree with posters saying to screenshot everything and send it to her. That would actually be a really horrible thing to do to her, she may not ever want to see the screenshots and it should be her choice to see them or not.

Op I'd explain everything to her in person that you've explained here, apologise for not shutting it down earlier but give your reasons for that, and then offer the screenshots if she wants to see.

If she is really a friend and you’re “quite close” I can’t believe you haven’t told her. How would you face her or even speak to her knowing this is going on ?
He’s a vile POS. If she blames you or makes excuses, she’s an idiot and you’re better off not being friends but I could never do this to someone I’m quite close with.
If she was just an acquaintance it would be different.

You should have told her after the first message.
You need to block this man then tell his wife.
Nothing less will do.

No. The only person this reflects badly on is the twat of a bloke.

I think these kind of men who try their luck with their wives’ friends rely on those women staying silent and not wanting to cause fuss, even if they refuse their advances. This is usually the case with sexual harassment in other contexts such as the workplace.

What struck me about the OP’s posts was the many references of not wanting to cause drama as a reason for not shooting it down. This is how we women are socialised. Directness, which is the correct response is not an attribute that is valued in females.

How was I blaming her exactly? The friend I was referring to for me was a male and I don't blame him for my stbxh affair. I just can't trust him knowing that he knew what was going on and hid it from me for 2 months. I felt let down by him and the friendship hasn't recovered. I won't lie about it because the reality is when the wife finds out her husband is cheating she will no doubt look for evidence as we all do and how will she feel finding inappropriate messages sent to her friend? She will feel betrayed her friend didn't try and protect her. I don't think I said anything harsh in that just the reality. I never condone keeping it quiet and I can voice that opinion as much as the ones who say keep quiet.

Edited to add: fewer would get away with it if people didn't take the stance of keep quiet/none of my business. Society should call out cheaters

That’s not hinting, it’s asking for sex. To be honest, if my friends partner or husband messaged me that, I’d have told him very firmly to stop and that it’s unacceptable. That would have been my mild reaction as I love my friends dearly. What I would want to do would be to have screen shot and told her instantly. Joking along makes you part of it unfortunately. I get it’s uncomfortable, but it’s going to be uncomfortable for your friend to see you’ve been replying to him like that instead of shutting it down or telling her.

I am shocked at how many people are saying not to tell or that they had close or “best” friends they didn’t tell 😳.
Imagine how embarrassed you’d feel to find out or more of your friends knew.
As long as you don’t think there is any risk of serious harm to anyone if you tell your friend, surely telling them something like this would be considered doing the bear minimum.

Of course it is his fault and he is the one in the wrong.

But OP does need to take some responsibility here.

If a woman was messaging your DH saying he’s sexy and asking for sex and it had been going on for weeks and he carried on texting her, you would not be saying ‘poor DH’.

You would wonder why he didn’t shut it down immediately.

There have been multiple threads on here about women messaging their DH’s and being flirty (not even blatantly asking for sex) and posters are quick to say he’s just as bad because he didn’t shut it down or block.

The trouble with the "Haha you're such a joker" response is that it's almost an invitation to send another message. Either to show he was just joking or to show he was serious. Not that any of this is your fault but being polite can look like encouragement. This is a rubbish situation for OP and her friend.