To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

Sorry for a third post but there's an awful lot of people here trying to blame @ThisLoudBeaker for not cutting this guy off sooner. If you'd ever been in this situation (and I have) you'd know that at first you think he's messing about, then when you work out he's serious you don't know what the hell to do- if you tell your friend will they believe you and thank you warmly or will they think you're after their DH and drop you forever? Unfortunately a lot of women want to believe their DHs, they don't want to think he's a cheating git and they will shoot the messenger.

You've nothing to lose by telling her.
You risk that your friend will find out eventually anyway and it's better to hear it from you first.

I cannot believe you let him carry on messaging after the first inappropriate one, I think you have been enjoying the attention and now getting worried its getting out of hand. Shameful behaviour !

You click the block button.

Do you really think he's going to tell his wife why her friend blocked him?

We do it because it has to be called out. Blaming women for male behaviour and harassment is appalling.

The OP clearly doesn't like the attention from her friend's husband, but she allowed it to go on for weeks and THAT is what many of us are querying

And yet again you comment blaming the OP.

Might have missed updates as I've had this open. Sorry If so.

If she's a good friend then show her. Acknowledge the responses making light of it as she may misinterpret them as you encouraging the attention. Say you tried to deflect with humour hoping it was a joke/ drunk comment but when it became obvious he was persistent you have approached her.

It doesn't really matter what OP responded, the question would still be there 'my friend's DH messaged me inappropriately, what do I do?'. It just doesn't look great that she's tried to laugh it off rather than shut him down. Doesn't make it her fault, she just probably needs to raise it first to avoid the messenger being shot.

But literally all it would have taken was “block” if she didn’t feel comfortable telling him to refrain from privately messaging her

My friend has been you in this situation OP except that she was friends with tge DH not the DW. The wife found out and phoned my friend to tear a strip off. It wasn’t the first time she had caught him out and It didn’t stop him. He’s a philanderer and knows his wife won’t leave him. This chap may be the same.

OP a lot of people are having a go but it’s clear you’ve felt a bit stuck as you know telling your friend would blow up her life.
It is already blown married to this sleaze.
Yes you can tell him what you think of him and block him but he will keep on until he gets someone to take him up on his offer.
There are so many posters on here sensing something off with their partner scrambling around like detectives driving themselves mad.
I think you should tell her and be frank. She may not thank you for it, she may blame you, be prepared.
But if you lose a friend, and she stays with him, then that’s then on her.
You will have done the right thing.

Why are you ignoring the fact the OP has acknowledged that? She said she wishes she had acted sooner.

And yet again, your reading and comprehension skills have hit rock bottom.

THE MAN IS TO BLAME HERE.

And

The OP should have blocked him weeks ago and/or told her friend.

There, lets see how you can contort this one to suit your agenda 🙄

Are there married sleazy men and women in the world that try their luck? Yep

Never going to change and not limited to married men.

So…. given all virtual. Block him or her.

Why do so many simply not understand that some people really struggle with confrontation? It’s a very awkward situation, it’s not remotely OPs fault, and she has been hoping it would all go away by itself or just turn out to be a misunderstanding. It is not OP’s responsibility to stop this prick’s appalling behaviour. It is his responsibility not to do the appalling behaviour in the first place.

Just say I thought he was joking but turns out he's a massive sleazeball, sorry.

Then block them both.

How is clicking a button 'confrontation'?

or indeed

just ignoring and not ever responding

You need to tell her. You’re certainly not the only one

Stop with the gaslighting. I don't have an agenda and you know it. Why do posters like you have to start insulting people, always with the "comprehension" bullshit. Can you not debate like an adult? Why are you so angry? I have my suspicions.

THE MAN IS TO BLAME HERE
The OP should have blocked him weeks ago and/or told her friend

Why did you feel the need to add in the repeated sentence about OPs 'responsibility' if the man is to blame?

Oh go and pull someone else's pigtails.

You're boring me now.

I see others have also surmised that he's doing this to several women, not just you. It's a real bummer that it's not feasible to check with all the other women he knows - it isn't though.

Good on you for deciding to tell her If there's any dialogue with her after you've dropped your bombshell, it could be worth suggesting that she or you both try to investigate. She'll be checking his messages I'm sure, so perhaps she'll find out for herself.

What an absolute dickhead. Sorry he's dumped you in this situation.

A friend of mine was in this exact situation, she told her friend and her friend blew up with her and stayed with him, they was best friends since primary school age and they haven’t spoken since. they are family and she will no doubt forgive him. Personally I would tell him to fuck right off and block him but keep my mouth shut.

😀No answer.

I also think you should tell her. His messages are car worse than your first implied.

This thread is ridiculous and doing my head in! I can't stand unnecessary dithering.

Someone sends an inappropriate message to you, you block them. Simple. You don't even need to say a thing. You can even tell his wife immediately. Why keep his creepy secret?!

If the same person comes at you again in some other way that he's managed to find to contact you with inappropriate message or behaviour, you immediately tell his wife or threaten him with telling his wife if he doesn't stop this minute!

Third time lucky! If anything else untoward happens or is said, tell his wife. No warning! No secret.

Any one would be foolish to blame you for their husband's behaviour. If they do, feel free to walk away from such foolish and obviously dysfunctional couple.

@ShowerOfShites OK, so she blocks him, and no, he's not going to say anything in front of his wife unless he's an idiot. What happens after? The Ops never going to be comfortable around him again, he may start trying in person instead and then there's no evidence to show his wife. The only person here who's at fault is the slimebag DH, I'd bet money it's not just @ThisLoudBeaker he's tried it on with