To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

You’ve made a mistake not shutting it down immediately, but it’s understandable that you felt really awkward and a bit in denial about the situation. The thing is if you don’t tell her you’re likely to lose her friendship anyway as you’re going to need to avoid him.

Also, this isn’t a case of you turn him down and suddenly her life is perfect. He’s a cheat. If it’s not with you it will be with someone else. And even if he’s never successful in persuading anyone to go along with it, the fact that he’s trying shows who he really is, and would be a deal breaker for me.

Show her the messages and explain how you didn’t deal with it as well as you might have done because you felt awkward. Yes it may cost you her friendship, but it’s still the right thing to do. You wouldn’t be much of a friend if you kept this from her.

It sounds awful and usually I would say grass him fully to the rooftops. But if you warned him off, said if you send anything like this again I'm telling her? I'm presuming you never responded positively?

If you're going to tell your friend then do this face to face, where you can explain you didn't like the messages and badly handled brushing him off as you were worried about causing a further issue.
If you just send the screenshots, she is going to look at them and wonder why the hell you didn't shut it down immediately and allowed further communication.
Often the person being betrayed will look for excuses for their partners behaviour, because it's hard to accept someone they love would do that, and easier to pass the blame to someone else. The fact that this communication went on for a period of time will go against you, because it will look like you encouraged it.

I'd have been on the phone trying to see my friend on her own asap if I'd received these messages.

If it wasn't a close friend, I'd have immediately screenshot and sent to the wife.

Being cheated on is horrifically painful, you must tell her.

Honestly, why does it matter why he has the OP's number or how he got it? Could be from lift-sharing, kids playdates, organising family get-togethers or even from picking up his wife's phone and looking for it.

It is not up to the OP to come up with an 'explanation' of how he had her number, because that has a distinct tinge of making it look like the OP has brought this on herself and has somehow encouraged him.

The 'you should of shut it down' after the first message in hindsight is a wonderful thing...but there are a thousand scenarios where there is a perfectly plausible reason to message a dp friend before it becomes 'inappropriate'. My best friend messages my husband more than me. Because he can use a drill and has good cooking recipes and workmen contacts And we are all friends. If she ever messages for 'some fun' I agree it's crossing a line. But this is not on OP for not 'shutting it down' quick enough!!!

Tell your friend OP but do be prepared to loose the friendship. I'd rather know myself. Would you?

"Ridiculous. You clearly love the attention".

Comments like this absolutely infuriate me. It's implying that we're lying when we say we're not comfortable with male attention being forced upon us. How dare you say that to the OP. How dare you.

Your friend will want to know two things.

1. Why you didn't tell her immediately.
2. Why you were happy to let it continue.

And before you say you weren't 'happy' to let it continue, I think you need a convincing answer as to why you therefore didn't block him and allowed this to go on for weeks.

Could you send the screenshots to your friend. Saying "I think your husband mistakenly sent me this when it was meant for you"

I just wanted to say @ThisLoudBeaker that he hasn't misunderstood because you've been friendly, he's looking for someone to cheat with and he's banking on you not wanting to tell your friend about him. It's a win for him if you agreed and a win if you said No because he thinks you'd never tell his wife

He has my contact details because we’ve been in some group settings together, and I think he felt comfortable reaching out that way. In hindsight, I should have called him out immediately, but I was trying to avoid making things awkward with my friend. I realise now that it was a mistake to let it go on for so long, and I’m planning to be honest with her about everything.

But likewise the friend may be already losing sleep if she's suspicious but her partner is gaslighting her and insisting he's not done anything? It's unlikely this is the first time (usually sleazy men would start with people other than partner's friends..). It's not OP who'd be blowing up the family. OP's been put in a shit situation but she now has info most women would want about their partner.

Send him a firm message, tell her, be aware your friendship will change

Eugh he's gross. I would absolutely want to know if it was my husband.

You should have told her after the first message. I doubt she will be pleased you kept it a secret.

You cannot force more than one message onto someone while there is a block function available.

What he did was despicable.

Quite why the OP didn't close him down straight away, is still a mystery.

I totally understand the position you're in OP and I think a lot of people are being harsh, why in heck would you "enjoy" this (or if you did, why would you be on here worrying about it). If someone starts off saying fairly normal things and then progresses to outright suggestions of sex it's not surprising that you've been shocked and surprised at this and not known how to respond. LOTS of people in the same situation would respond by essentially laughing it off and hoping he goes away. And clearly he won't fuck off and it's now concerning you.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

I once had a much milder version of this, a friend's boyfriend messaged me asking me to meet up - I messaged my friend straightaway saying "I've had a message from X about meeting up, is your phone broken? Lmk!" or similar, and funnily enough I never heard from him directly again. Whether you contact her or not is up to you but please don't take on guilt for his shit behaviour.

Sorry, OP, this does sound like a horrible situation and,for what it's worth, I'm sure you aren't enjoying it!

If you're anywhere near my age, you've probably been raised to not 'cause a scene' or 'be rude', it's 'just banter/how boys are', even when it's someone making you feel incredibly uncomfortable. It's really, really hard to break free from all that.

If you don't tell your wife what you are up to, i will
You have 48 hours and then i tell her / show her

Just out of the blue? Or have you always had communication with him? Very odd behaviour if you're not reciprocating.

He's a bloody idiot for thinking you wouldn't tell her so you might as well. Just to get him to stop if nothing else.

If she gets suspicious about his shifty behaviour and checks his phone she’ll think that you’re complicit won't she? That’s the danger for you here. Your failure to shut it down could make it seem that you’re enjoying the attention. Other posters have accused you of this and she might too. Mutual friends will be suspicious of you too, it’ll negatively affect those relationships.

I think you need to cover yourself here, and show her the messsges. You’ll need to explain why you didn’t tell her before and she’ll probably understand. But if she does some detective work and finds the messages, she probably won’t understand.

I am so annoyed that he’s put you in this position. Scumbag.

No disrespect, but why has he been messaging you for wks? If you were off in your replies ,surely he wouldn't have continued to msg you?

Idmf she is your friend you should have told him.immediately tgat his messages were unwanted and .just stop rather than brushing them off.

Evenso, come clean with her Now imo

That won't work. He'll delete all the messages he has, and tell his wife that the OP has been coming on to him and he's turned her down.

No it’s not. It’s someone she knows personally.

If he’s doing this to you, he’s almost certainly trying his luck with others as well.

“You need to stop sending these messages. Katie is my friend and it’s not appropriate. She would be really upset if she found out you’re doing this.”