To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

I would message him to ask that he does not send you any more messages without his wife's consent. She is your friend.

If he carries on, then don't tell her that he is trying to have an affair, but do ask her to tell him to stop messaging you as it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If you say he is trying to cheat on her with you there is a risk that she will find a way to put this on you as the femme fatale. You need to be clear that you are not a trouble causer, but you want this to stop.

Saying you didn't want to cause drama is a bit wet as a reason to not tell him to fuck off.
What drama would have been caused? Would he have told anyone? No.

When I was newly single...Jesus, the creeps came out.
One guy asked me to go to the cinema with him. I have absolutely no problem going out with a male friend, but if they are in a couple then their partner needs to be fine with it. Sometimes I know because their partner will be right there while we plan something.
To this guy I said "does Helen know you've asked me to the cinema?". I suspected not.
Got a load of "she doesn't understand me" bollocks.

I killed what I thought was a friendship off.

Exactly
Why the hell let it go on weeks?
This won't end well for the op

Don't tell him you are turning him down because his wife is your friend.

Just turn him down flat. Tell him to fuck off if necessary.

I would block him completely and not see her when he's there.

How about something like this

"Tom [sorry to all the Tom's]
I've considered and reread your messages and they are really inappropriate. I initially thought they were a bit jokey but somewhere along the way they have completely crossed the line. I am Mary's friend and to be quite clear, I have no interest in "having fun" with you if she is away. Feel free to free her up for a night so we can go out and catch up though.
I don't want to get any more messages like this or I will have no choice but to tell Mary and to show her a copy of the messages I have taken screenshots of. Assuming these messages stop abruptly, I will assume it was a momentary lapse of judgement which won't be repeated with me or any other of Mary's friends."

ThisLoudBeaker

I mentioned what I plan to do in my first comment on the thread

written communication is somewhat different to being confronted face-to-face though @GretchenWienersHair

The vote is meaningless because OP has asked 2 contradictory questions within the same post. The title asks if she'd be unreasonable to tell her friend, but by the end of the post the question changes to is she unreasonable to keep quiet. I've voted based on the final question but others have probably voted according to the title.

Why are you dithering? Message now and say his earlier contact was deeply inappropriate and block the sleazy bastard. Then show his wife.

Block him, the oh you’re such a joker feels more flirty than shutting it down.

What??? Oh behave.

I assume he probably started tame, so if you called him out he could say you'd misunderstood or were causing drama. Then gradually ramped up to the point you're suddenly in a situation where you feel like you can't tell your friend because its gone on for too long and she'll blame you for not shutting it down earlier.

You do need to shut it down now. I'd be tempted to do it in a way which makes it clear you know his game. Take screen shots first if you haven't already.

Something along the lines of:

I've tried to ignore this for the sake of my friend, and because I wasn't sure if you were joking, but I can see now that your messages were sent with the intention of making me doubt myself, so you could get more and more inappropriate. You need to stop immediately, I am not and have never been interested. Friend deserves better. Do not message me again.

My concern is she's going to implicate you in this.
Without seeing what was said it's hard to give advice.
Personally I would ignore all future messages and play dumb that he ever came on to you.
But that depends on whats been said.

I wouldn't tell her. He'll wangle out of it. I can hear the excuses now and you'll lose a friend.

Just be there for when she inevitably finds out what he's like.

It's not harsh at all.

Most friends would've closed him down immediately even if they didn't want to tell their friend about it.

Especially after being asked if she's 'up for fun' while her friend is away.

Personally I think giving him any warning that you might tell will end up with him getting in first and blaming you.

I’m not sure what triggered it in all honestly. I think he may have felt comfortable because we’ve hung out in group settings before, and he might have misinterpreted our friendship.

In your message to him you need to make it clear that you consider his behaviour is inappropriate. Block him after his reply.
If you’re not clear about this and show her the messages, she’ll want to believe you’ve had a part in this.

Agree. Don’t threaten him.

I'm gonna say this again because I HAVE BEEN IN THIS SITUATION and I know what he will say if the OP turns him down because of the friendship.

He will think you are only turning him down because you're worried you'll get caught out betraying your friend, so he will say "Don't worry, we can keep it quiet, she'll never find out" and then you are back to bloody square one again.

Tell him to stop messaging you and to leave you alone.

no offense but how the HELL have you not told her??????? considering you're 'fairly close' friends?????? i'm shocked & apalled. if this happened to me, i would cut off my so-called 'friend' who replies to messages from my 'D'H saying “you looked really sexy last time I saw you” and asking if you are “up for some fun” by saying “Haha, you’re such a joker!” ??????????????

also 'D'H would very quickly become STBXH then XH

Ridiculous. you clearly love the attention

You don't sound angry Op but you should be, this slimebag is probably going to cost you a good friend. Even if you tell him a firm No you'll never be comfortable around them as a couple, if you make sure you only see her in future she'll wonder why, if you tell her the truth he'll lie and lie to put you in the wrong.

OP, I get your approach, not wanting to rock the boat and downplaying it. I think there are some posters on here who are giving you a hard time that you don’t deserve. It’s shit being put in this position and it’s not your fault, regardless of what some people seem to be suggesting.

I'd tell her.
I wouldn't care if he wormed his way out of it and she cut me off. I'd rather have a clean conscience and know I did the right thing.

A poster up thread asked why he was even messaging you in the first place. I didn't see an explanation but I might have missed it. Why did he have your contact details?
I'm afraid I don't understand why you didn't call him out after the first message.
I think you have to tell your friend but she is really going to wonder why you didn't put a stop to this right away.
Not that I'm excusing him in any way . No doubt you won't be the first he has tried it on with.