To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

Tell him to f off.. then screenshot it all and send them to her. Tell her you respect her too much to allow this to be unsaid but expect the friendship to die..

Oh blimey that’s not very veiled. Joking replies back are definitely not what’s needed here.
Maybe something like:
Look, I was trying to not make a big deal of this as x is my friend and I’ve been hoping you were just being flippant. But these messages are completely inappropriate and need to stop now. Please don’t send me this sort of thing again.

How is it a lesson learned when you've had to come to MN to ask if you should tell her?

Be honest, is a tiny part of you enjoying the drama?

Because it seems pretty simple to me that you should've warned him and blocked him from the get go.

This

So, my friends partner was a serial cheat!
She was told time and time again by various people and chose to believe him and keep him!
So I never told her ever, if any of the times I knew about, which was quite a lot.

Yes. Make absolutely sure you give him a firm “ I’m totally NOT into this” message. Write/ text it don’t say it. Keep it. If he still persists, tell her then. But you need clear and unequivocal evidence he persisted despite you being VERY firm . She will want to blame you.

You won't be the only one getting these sort of message from him sadly. Tell her, ideally face to face - she may already know what a c*nt he is and someone else confirming that could be what she needs. If you don't tell her and it comes out she won't be best pleased - she might even know already. 🤨

This is harsh. OP does not come across as enjoying this grim situation. She tried to give a casual brush off to avoid a scene. Unfortunately the creep, rather than taking the hint, thinks he can keep trying to bed his wife's friends. Gross.

You are enjoying it
Some friend you are

You’re right, I probably downplayed it a bit when I said hinting/suggestive. Asking if I’m up for some fun is definitely crossing a bigger line than I initially made it sound. I think I’ve been trying to minimise it in my head to avoid facing the seriousness of it. But you’re right - it’s blatant, and I need to stop brushing it off.

How do you come to this conclusion? That's not what I get from OP's posts at all.

Honestly, no, I’m not enjoying the drama at all. I think I’ve just been in denial about how serious this situation really is, and that’s why I didn’t handle it better from the start. I guess coming here is my way of trying to figure out the right thing to do now. I can see I should’ve shut it down sooner and been more direct. I’m not looking for drama - just trying to find the best way forward.

not harsh, if a friend of my partner sent dubious messages to me, he'd definitely get short shrift from the outset!

Thank you for understanding.

@ThisLoudBeaker Make it quite clear and say something like "Stop messaging me, I am not interested so go away and leave me alone!".

Don't say anything at all like 'how can you think I'd do that when your wife is my friend?' because all that will do is make him think that you do fancy him and the only thing stopping you is your friendship with his wife.

Shut him down completely.

Honestly, this needed to be shut down hard at the start, but better late than never. Screenshot it all and speak with her face to face, apologising for not having been faster to tell him to get lost and for not having told her sooner.

This feels like projection. I’m not enjoying any of this - it’s a really uncomfortable situation, and I’m just trying to figure out how to handle it in the best way for everyone involved.

so what are you going to do @ThisLoudBeaker?

I'd have told him to fuck right off after his first inappropriate message
You've let it go in weeks

These messages are very clear and you should have knocked it firmly on the head after the first one.

You are where you are though. He’s a sleaze and I would want to know if my husband was sending these sorts of messages.

You may upset the apple cart OP but you’ll have given her a real chance of making an informed choice re staying with such a sleaze. You never know, this might be just the push she needs to leave him (no one knows what goes on behind closed doors) or the beginning of her realising who he really is.

Don’t send screen shots, if you’re close. Go round for a brew and sit down with her face to face when he’s not there and take her through the messages.

If your reply’s to this mean you are not confident doing that then you need to think what to do ie screen shots and a word with yourself.

either way let her know.

incidentally what happened in the last few weeks to trigger this? He can’t have just text suggestive messages out of the blue?? Was there a party/dinner/lift home etc where you were talking etc?

These “you’re enjoying it, aren’t you” comments are gross and the reason women don’t speak up when we’re put in uncomfortable positions (or worse) by men.

“Don’t make a scene”. “He’s just being friendly”. “Not everyone fancies you, you know” . “She’s just looking for attention”. “She was up for it”. . “Why didn’t you say ‘no’?” . “She was asking for it”.

Any of those sound familiar? Don’t feed into that.

I think if you tell his wife now having done nothing in writing to shoe her you tried to shut it down, then she's going to think you're as bad. Which is very unfair, but time and again we see the woman made the scapegoat for men's behaviour, because its easier to believe badly of a friend and drop them from your life that to get rid of your husband and upend your life. I'd expect him to say he was joking, you took him seriously, even lie that you tried to take it further and are now a woman scorned or some such. I'd message him "Bernard, I'm uncomfortable with your messages to me. They are flirty and suggestive and not appropriate from my friends husband. I don't want any ill feeling because friend matters to me, but I doubt she'd be happy with this, and I'm certainly not. So I don't want you to message me again"

Unfortunately your brush of "Haha you're such a joker" won't be taken as a brush off. You've basically just complimented him and encouraged further communication by not shutting him down.
I get why you tried to sound pleasant and hope that he would take the hint. But he didn't give a shit that he was putting you in this situation, so why should you consider his feelings in this.
I've found from experience you need to be direct with no chance of confusion.
"Please don't send me suggestive messages, they are inappropriate and I do not want them".

Hi, that's a hard one because you feel damed if u do and damed if you don't but just think if was you, you would want to know but put to him first piss off I don't like you and I love my mate you are taking the piss so I tell you what I'll pop around and we will show her the messages together? Because fella you are a piss taking wanker and I'm not having that for my mate she deserves better!! And then I will take her out on the town and get her a nice proppa man ...sorted 👍

Chances are high that he will attempt to turn it round on you if he thinks you might tell, and will portray you as chasing him and offering it to him on a plate.

I'd get in first.

You're likely to lose the friendship either way, so I'd prefer she got the truth than got his version first.