To tell my friend that her husband is trying to cheat on her - with me?

[ThisLoudBeaker]

My friend’s husband has been DMing me inappropriate messages for weeks, and while I’ve brushed them off, I’m starting to think I should tell her. But I know this would blow up her family, and she’ll probably hate me more than him. AIBU to stay quiet and avoid the drama?

I think at this stage it actually won’t look good if he tells her …

It's just impossible to guess why someone being recklessly propositioned by a man who knows her and knows where she lives would perhaps feel like it's safest to just make light of the situation and hope he gets the message and leaves her in peace.

Oh my goodness, reading what he’s up to is making my blood boil!
Send him a very clear message that you’re not interested AND tell your friend.
If it wasn’t you he was messaging it would be someone else. Your friend needs to know what type of man she’s married to.

You should have shut this down already.

John, take your mid life crisis elsewhere. This messages are unwelcome and completely inappropriate. They are hugely disrespectful to both me and your wife.

I would screenshot everything and show her.

I would be prepared to lose a friendship over it because it's the right think to do. I would want to know.

@ThisLoudBeaker If he's doing it to you, he's likely doing it/has done it to others as well. Maybe not in your friendship group but somewhere. I'd be shocked if he's not on dating sites etc.

I think you have to make it clear that he's making you uncomfortable in writing over the texts and block him immediately.

He'll make you out to be crazy, have come onto him if you tell the wife though. Maybe you should do it anyway but just be ready for that.

@ThisLoudBeaker Don't let your friend live a lie. Tell her. When it all comes out one day (because he's a cheat, if not with you) she will loose trust in you too, because you knew and did nothing. Massive betrayal.

I’ve mostly communicated with him in group settings before this, so it definitely came out of the blue. I didn’t expect this kind of behaviour from him and I agree that it’s odd.

I don't think you've done anything wrong.
You should tell her.
Almost certain he will be casting his net in more than one direction.

Well the fact you have had social contact with him independent of him just being your friend's DH makes more sense of this situation.

I can't decide whether that makes him more of a sleaze or not.

You could try the ‘Sorry Caroline this is a bit awkward but Gilbert has been messaging me in a jokey way and I know he’s probably just seeing it as banter but I’m not comfy with it! I’m probably being old fashioned but there it is. I’m just not a banter person…’

Then to him -

‘Hi Gilbert. Sorry to seem to be a bit po faced but can you stop with the banter type texts please. I know it’s just daft innuendo stuff but it makes me feel a bit uncomfy to be honest, I’m not into that kind of humour. I’ve said to Caroline too that I’m sorry and hope it doesn’t affect our friendship but I just don’t get on with that kind of joke! Hope that’s ok’

SO you warn him off. You let him know you’ve told her. You give her an ‘out’ - ‘Oh sorry he was just being silly!’ - while at the same time all of you KNOW exactly why you’re telling her. But it does allow the friendship to continue and no face to be lost?

I would absolutely semd thia word for word. Screen shot it too. If he replies. Block him

There’s No mystery, she’s told you repeatedly, it doesn’t matter if you would have behaved differently.

Oh dear. You really should have shut this down earlier. I think you have to tell her now. If you try to shut him down now I think there’s a real danger that he will spin the narrative making you look like the bad guy.
Tbh you’re likely to lose your friend over this anyway sadly.

Absolutely this

Tell her in person what he has been doing and show her your phone so she can see the messages for herself.
Also screenshot them incase he goes on a deleting mission (he will)

YABVVVVU to not having told her already. What kind of friend are you??

I think this is perfect

How long has it been going in for, and how many messages are we talking about?

If it’s several weeks, and a lot of messages, then I think you probably have to tell her. But prepare for her to blame you and for the friendship to end.

If it’s only a few messages over a shorter time, I don’t think I’d tell her. But I’d message him today saying “I haven’t said anything till now because I didn’t want to cause awkwardness, but your messages are very inappropriate, and they need to stop. Please don’t message me again”.

Actually this is a brilliant response

If my husband was messaging any woman, friend or not, in that sleazy manner, I would definitely want to know.

Hi @ThisLoudBeaker i was in this exact situation except the guy also actually touched my boob (accidentally apparently) when I was at their house once. That was when I told her. She blocked me and never spoke with me again.
Interestingly a mutual friend got in touch months later as the wife had been speaking to her sister about the situation and how her friend (me) had told her this torrid tale of her beloved husband flirting via text and touching her boob. Sister apparently then told my friend that he had also tried it on with her multiple times!!
Sister was believed and they ended up divorced. Friend never got back in touch but I feel relieved that at least she is free now of a creep. (He’d also done worse, but that’s a whole other thread!).

Tell her op. Or tell him to.

It's not a mystery at all. If you would bother to read all OPs posts she explains. She also realises that in hindsight, she should have shut him down earlier. OP is not to blame for this. She should never have been put in this situation.

Screenshot and send them to her. She may hate you, but at least she'll be aware of what an embarrassment he is - shitting where he eats 😡.

This is also the kind of prick who's just careless anyway, so you'll still be in for a world of grief when she catches him out.

Tell her. He will cheat/is already cheating with another and wife will go through his messages, see the ones from you and feel betrayed. Just tell her with no expectation of what she will do.

"X this is really hard to tell you this but y has been sending me messages that I think cross a line. It's up to you what you do with this information and I will support you either way"

A friend kept my exs cheating quiet and I now don't trust said friend even though I appreciate they were in an awkward position. They chose to protect my ex is how I see it

Are you suggesting he might come and beat her up if she blocked him?

Because the OP has made absolutely no hint of being scared of this man.

Or are you writing a novel?