To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

This thread is starting to remind me of the one last year with the poster whose brother uninvited her children at short notice from the Scottish wedding they had planned to go to as a family.

About 20 pages of 'just get an Uber' comments.

Like this thread, the crux of that was 'if I'm not important enough for them to bend in anyway, why should I spend hundreds of pounds and be massively inconvenienced'.

I think it will be more inconvenient than even the OP is imagining (although I am invested in knowing roughly where it is!)

Oh found the update to it. So here's how you can look forward to feeling @SaltySallyAnne

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4634440-scottish-highlands-child-free-wedding-update

Leaving my reception age child at home during the Easter holidays on TOP off all that you’ve mentioned means it would be a hard pass from me. Take her to Legoland or something for a couple of nights instead as a family.

Essentially OP’s husband thought he was invited as family—dd would even potentially be flower girl—but he feels now he is demoted to “good friend “ who is invited but not part of the family circle. Sometimes good friend is better than mere family. But in this case it feels like the revelation of a sudden hollow at the core of the relationship.

I don’t have a dog in this hunt but I do want to say this: if the relationship with the groom gives your dh solace and joy he should think twice about blowing it up over this. Because FIL will die eventually and all that will tie the DH to his cousin is friendship. Friendship needs to be nurtured. Sometimes we need to do extra for our friends. That doesn’t mean dh needs to go to tge wedding. But he might shift to thinking of how he can celebrate the b and g mire personally before hand and not letting on that the invitation was declined out of pique.

Bloody hell MN is weird.

Sometimes it's: go NC or LTB for the slightest thing.

Other times it's: it doesn't matter if your feelings arer hurt you must still hugely inconvenience yourself for someone else's pleasure.

You can never tell which way it's going to go.

There's not much point in asking the internet if you are being unreasonable, if you then ignore any comment that doesn't agree with you, is there ?

Wow.

So anyone who doesn't agree with you isn't 'of sound mind'.

I think I'm beginning to understand why the B&G might not want you in the accommodation with them.

People post in AIBU for a number of reasons, for support, for validation of their decisions and for advice.

Posters have a choice whether to post or not and don't have a right for their advice to be followed. I think OP is looking for validation of her decision and that is perfectly OK.

I think many posters feel that the OP has not been grateful or humble enough to change her mind and agree that she is being unreasonable.

She can post on AIBU and reject the opinion. Why not?

What if the B&G actually ARE closer to the other 2 cousins? What if they see them regularly, and spend time and effort cultivating friendships as well as just being related?

It doesn’t matter what the childhood dynamics were, everyone is an adult and can spend time with who they want. There’s no duty to invite or include your husband every time a pair of cousins socialise with eachother. So even if there have been times that they’ve got together without you guys, so what? Grow up

I absolutely agree with this. However, the OP has got increasingly snarky and patronising with anyone who doesn’t agree with her (throwing out the hoary old chestnut about “reading comprehension” etc.). That will always put people off-side.

There does seem to be an unwritten Mumsnet rule that posters can be rude and snarky to the OP, but the OP must remain courteous at all times. The OP has just been responding in kind to the snarky posts. The poster above you has just told the OP to 'grow up'. This is often used by posters responding to the OP, as well as other classics such as 'get a grip' and 'you sound like hard work'. It's normally one way, but sometimes more feisty OPs will bite back.

Oh well in that case let's chuck social etiquette out the window completely. So, if you like your dm but not your dmil, no problem give your dm a room on site and stick your dmil half an hour away!

It doesn't work like that.

Equal relatives should get equal treatment. That includes accommodation. If you can't accommodate all brothers, sisters, whatever don't have any. I'm surprised folk need the very obvious pointing out.

Please don't go to it op and just give them an argos gift card .

Had sympathy for the OP at first, but after reading this back and sensing the seething resentment and snappy way she replies to people who don't agree with her, I'm not sure i'd want her at my wedding if I was the bride and groom either...

Quite.

Have the sister you like most as a bridesmaid but not the other!
Invite the aunt you like leave out her sister!
Sit your MIL at the top table and your FIL at the back.

Do whatever you like based on how much you like people.
If they get upset, tell them they have to just accept it and be happy for you.

Most people realise giving some relatives of equal distance preferential tretament will upset others, so if you want to avoid offence you avoid doing it.

If you don't care about offending people go for it.

Really people having weddings should think about how everyone else is going to get there and how much it is going to cost them. I holiday every year in the Scottish Highlands and know how expensive it is a that it is almost impossible to get a taxi.
Seriously I wouldn’t go OP.

You must be joking, the op has been very restrained she had people saying she was been unreasonable for saying half term rather than Easter hols for starters.

I've been to loads of family weddings where I've been more or less involved than my siblings and never felt it was unfair or strange. Honouring my sister with a special role like bridesmaid doesn't take anything away from me.

And there is nothing to indicate the 2 younger siblings weren't just given the rooms because they are younger and don't have children so more likely to attend a child free wedding.

(O/T)

Reading comprehension lessons are an excellent idea - and maybe MN could find a way to restrict people from posting until they've read and understood the entire thread. It would save us all from those silly numpty posts by members who cba, but nevertheless want to bore the pants off others with their irrelevant opinions.

You have got to be kidding. OP has been more restrained than most. But I agree with pp that some posters here need reading comprehension lessons.

Deciding not to attend the wedding would be reasonable in all the circumstances. Stewing over whether someone likes someone else more than they like you is not reasonable behaviour in anybody over ten years of age.

Well, it seems like 75% disagrees with you on that Lucy.

People over 10 have feelings too. Why make an effort for someone who doesn’t make an effort back. And dragging the daughter in too.

Perhaps it’s just me but I find weddings insanely boring, drawn out affairs. I don’t relish them at all, and feel rather miserable at the prospect of them. They are expensive, too much waiting around for photos no one will ever care about and dreadful food. They could be three hours long but they never are - it’s all day and night. Exhausting! I’m not sure why your dh would even want to go op.

I can see how you'd be put out by this - it isn't just the politics of the set of 4 siblings and the realisation you're not as close as you thought you were. I'm from a big family, and events like weddings etc are a chance for us siblings to all be together, but having two out of four staying at the location whilst the other two are expected to make arrangements would ruin that a bit for me. It's just nice to be up late into the night and then stumbling down to breakfast the next day and seeing everyone, isn't it? If they couldn't fit all 4 siblings in, then I think they shouldn't have included any and let you all sort out something as a group elsewhere.

Exactly this. Well explained.