To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

I'd not be going all that way for a cousin but I'm not close to them. Personally I'd cancel.

Well where those people represent only 1 in 4 it may well be.....

??

I think go because DH wants to and determine to make it a wonderful mini break

Personally, even if these people were close, I’d probably have declined on the basis that it’s a week day wedding requiring 3 days off work on the other side of the country without kids and is a CF invite: that’s a large chunk of holiday time that is now not available for a holiday as a whole family (even if you get 25 days+). I actually think it’s a bit selfish of the B&G and inconsiderate of all guests, but especially those working/with kids. That you have to leave your little one at home with someone else for such a long period would have also have been enough for me to decline. She’s young, does your aunt have legal permission to make decisions on your behalf (at A&E) if she is ill or injured at holiday camp, for instance? What if she IS ill and your aunt’s job is compromised because she suddenly has to take a day’s holiday for a child that isn’t hers (ie no compassionate leave entitlement from her employer).

Frankly, I would simply pop a reply back and say that upon consideration of the length of stay needed to attend and the impact on your little one, you realise now it won’t be practical for you to attend. Hope they have a lovely wedding, blah blah.

Then I’d use the £500 for a weekend break at Centre Parks or something similar over the Easter hols as a family.

I wouldn’t be going. Spend the money you’re saving on doing something nice for you all.

Definitely this

Fifty guest rooms at the venue? That's a lot to host immediate family.

I can see where there would be some sad/mad feelings, because it is 50 rooms. It must sting, and I can understand your DH being hurt by feeling excluded.

You need to go by what your DH wants, though. It is his family and he should be the one to decide whether to go or not. If he wants to go, go and let all the drama of feeling excluded be like water off a duck's back. Or, as Elsa says, "Let it go". Have great fun and make memories!

@SaltySallyAnne totally ,get where your coming from was at a family wedding years ago child free fine both my boys stayed with there dad at home. me and my dad invited me as my mam had passed away , wedding quite a drive away no problem got there found out whole of my mams family had arrived night before and staying over the night of the wedding no mention to me and dad if we would like to, button holes for all the men minus my dad , and same for women to wear on the dresses minus me of course pissed me off as this was my mams nieces wedding so all mams sisters brother in laws nieces and husbands were there so totally get why your upset

Can you call up the hotel to see if there are any rooms in the wedding package? I did similar for a cousins wedding where they had allocated 50 odd rooms for family and friends.

I would say that if you don't want to attend, don't, it's a lot of money, inconvenience with your DD and 3 days off work so you should let them know that it's no longer feasible which will give them enough time to invite another couple.

I wouldn't go

They have chosen a Thursday which means they know it will be challenging for people to attend

Not to mention the distance away

Selfish buggers

I can see why you are upset. Having said that, it is easy to fall out with family and cause long lasting problems than to just sit back and take it. I have done both in my time and tbh making a fuss has never worked out well for me. I am on the periphery like your dh and everyone else just carried on without us!

So imo it isn't so much about attending the wedding but about your relationships with his wider family going forward.

But also - a wedding in a castle! We got married in Scotland because I'm from there and my husband's family all came up for it. Not a castle mind you. But everyone loved it, still say it was the best wedding they've been too. They loved the scenery, everything. It will be worth it.

Also; leaving a 4/5 year old for 3 days during Easter break?

Nah...fuck em !

I absolutely get why you and your DH are second guessing yourselves here, OP. I would be doing the same and I particularly feel for your DH. I bet this situation is horrible for him. It’s the feeling of having to re-evaluate the relationship so suddenly and of looking back at past events in a new light.

Like yours, I think my knee jerk response would be to rescind my acceptance. However, this wedding is a long way off yet. You have time. Sit on it for a week or two and let your DH try to honestly think about what’s right for him here, totally ignoring anyone else’s wishes or expectations.

Basically, will he feel better going or not going to this event? What will help him more to move past the feelings of rejection? There’s no rush.

It’s really really not healthy to be evaluating your relationships with people on the basis of “are you high enough up on their heriarchy or priorities”. So what if they are closer to some other cousins. Either you like them and want to celebrate their wedding, or you don’t. It’s ok for people to like you (they want you at their wedding) whilst also liking someone else more.

A high percentage of the questions here remind me of my late father's remark -"There's no row like a family row". Mine must be an odd family, because the only serious schisms we've had involved people dying.

Totally get where you are coming from @SaltySallyAnne and I agree with the UNRSVP right near the beginning.

This would be it for me… but I actively allowed kids at my wedding. Have some lovely memories of half a dozen little girls and boys dancing around me, playing with the skirt of my dress like a parachute because I looked like a princess. It has a few tears along the hem as a result, but each one of them reminds me of their little faces. We prioritised families with kids at our venue for accommodation, too, which had only a limited number of rooms (@20-25 I think). This meant parents could pop kids to bed late and then tag team until the bar closed.

I didn’t go to a wedding because it was 6 hours away by train with minimum 2 changes ( and then a taxi ) and all the accommodation was very expensive .

• my disabled adult son wasn’t included in the invitation so it made it difficult to go anyway .

Are there 50 close relatives, OP? You mentioned there are 50 rooms as part of the package. Have friends (apart from bridesmaids etc) also been allocated rooms? It would definitely put me off attending and spending the money to be honest. I wouldn’t feel valued if we weren’t chosen to have a room. If it was me I would contact the bride and groom and say that I haven’t managed to find any suitable accommodation nearby so unfortunately can’t attend. Save the money and spend it on your family instead.

I think YANBU and the bride/groom should have just saved their rooms/parent's rooms/very elderly aunts and then the remaining 47 rooms could have been first come, first served. Otherwise, feelings like yours and your dh's surface, naturally.

I totally get the cousin dynamic. People think you shouldn't care because they are your cousins and entitled to invite/hang out with/favour who they want, but it stings deeply, especially when it's on top of feeling left out as a child through family dynamics that are in no way your fault. If I were in this situation, I would say I could no longer attend. 50 rooms on site is A LOT of rooms, if a room was given to four cousins and their partners, there are still 46 left rooms. Minus the bridal party, that's probably still about 20 other rooms they chose to put other people in. From experience, your husband will start to feel stronger once he stops putting up with this behaviour from his family, and people's weak explanations as to why they feel justified in leaving people out.

Have some lovely memories of half a dozen little girls and boys dancing around me, playing with the skirt of my dress like a parachute because I looked like a princess.

What a lovely image. One of the most memorable weddings I attended was my niece's, where children were not only invited, but there were several songs played specifically for the children to dance.

It’s a bit like buying an expensive present for someone.
If you care about them and think they’ll really appreciate it it’s worth the expense.
If you then realise they wont appreciate the gift as much as you thought it wont be worth the money any more.

OP was previously ok with going because she thought the groom would appreciate the cost and effort her and her dh would be going to.
Bow she know he wont appreciate as much as she thought it doesn’t seem worth the cost anymore

Agreed, thin skinned people that dish it out but can’t take it - they’re probably cowards in real life.