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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To un-RSVP to this wedding?

480 replies

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:19

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

OP posts:
TiredEyesSoreHeart · 14/10/2024 23:32

I wouldn't go on principle that it's a destination wedding. They are incredibly selfish and cheeky and I'd refuse any on that basis alone. Even a sister or close friend (but then, they'd never have one). But since it's only a cousin so not even a close relative, why even go in the first place? Why bother? 3 days for something that is boring (who really enjoys going to wedding anyway? They're all the same) and you lose 3 days AND money, for the privilege of something you won't even enjoy? Who needs that?! To be honest, going to the dentist sounds more fun. Why do people put themselves through all this fuss, bother and misery for someone they barely know or care about? It's nuts!

Un-RSVP. Even if you have to say a white lie that you already RSVPed to another wedding/function/something that you cannot get out of.

SpideyVerse · 14/10/2024 23:50

HollyKnight · 14/10/2024 15:41

DH has always felt like that from childhood but this is the first time for a while it’s been shown like this

That's natural though when families break up and start over. Was your DH (and sister) raised by his father and stepmother? Or were they with their mother? These cousins are FIL's family so obviously they're going to see FIL's family unit as their family somewhat more than cousins who they saw less of due to a family breakup. Unless you're going to say that DH and his sister actually did grow up within that family unit full-time, it's not unusual for there to be differences in relationships.

This, in a nutshell.

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/10/2024 23:55

Can you tell us where the wedding is? Maybe someone here is local and can give you the heads up on local accommodation.

TheFluffyTwo · 15/10/2024 04:32

Honestly, OP, you seem absolutely determined to take umbridge and potentially sour this relationship longer term. The most generous interpretation of this is that your and your husband's paranoia / insecurity is at the wheel and has decided that the absolute worst interpretation of motives is the only possible one. So much so that you don't seem to be able to even 'hear' posters who offer alternative possibilities and ways of looking at this.

Your replies in here have also been unnecessarily unpleasant at times (you've been particularly nasty to @NachoChip for some reason, when all they've done is offer a thoughtful perspective from the other side) to the point it seems like you either enjoy conflict or are in some sort of constant state of high-alert defensiveness, scanning the horizon for perceived slights to attack.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this situation, it sounds like there's a fair amount of 'you' work to be done to address whatever in your past is causing some pretty out-sized and less than logical reactions.

Good luck.

TheaBrandt · 15/10/2024 05:53

Absolutely agree Fluffy. The combativeness of the op and her determination to see this in the worst possible light and to be the wronged party. If the Dh is similar in nature it maybe explains why the inviting couple have a better relationship with the other cousins.

Edingril · 15/10/2024 05:59

I get saying no from the start that is understandable but saying no now seems childish to be honest, it is not your wedding

Savingthehedgehogs · 15/10/2024 06:02

Edingril · 15/10/2024 05:59

I get saying no from the start that is understandable but saying no now seems childish to be honest, it is not your wedding

It’s over six months away! It’s perfectly acceptable to say no now.

Pumpkincozynights · 15/10/2024 06:22

So I might have got this wrong but, Mr &Mrs Smith had 2 dcs.
They then divorced and Mr Smith married Miss Jones who already had a child. They then had a child together.
Mr Smiths nephew is getting married. The nephew had offered accommodation to Mr & Miss Jone’s children ie the children brought up in that family.
The op’s dh is the child who lived with their mother ie no longer family as the mother is now divorced.
That makes sense.
It isn’t wrong of the bride and groom it is just a fact of second and subsequent families. There was a thread on here about men going on to have more children with other women, some posters tried to defend it but here we have a clear example of how deeply it can affect the children from the first marriage.
Anyhow, it isn’t the bride & groom’s fault.
Make a decision now and stick to it.
Either go and suck it up. Or decline the invite and get on with life.
The real issue here is the damage caused by the dh’s parent and all the bad feelings which have been brought to the surface.
Op- I would leave this in your dh’s court, let him decide, but don’t leave it long, the B& G should be told straight away if you don’t intend going.

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 06:30

Edingril · 15/10/2024 05:59

I get saying no from the start that is understandable but saying no now seems childish to be honest, it is not your wedding

Really? It’s not my wedding? Shit, I must return the white dress I purchased for it

OP posts:
Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 06:31

Pumpkincozynights · 15/10/2024 06:22

So I might have got this wrong but, Mr &Mrs Smith had 2 dcs.
They then divorced and Mr Smith married Miss Jones who already had a child. They then had a child together.
Mr Smiths nephew is getting married. The nephew had offered accommodation to Mr & Miss Jone’s children ie the children brought up in that family.
The op’s dh is the child who lived with their mother ie no longer family as the mother is now divorced.
That makes sense.
It isn’t wrong of the bride and groom it is just a fact of second and subsequent families. There was a thread on here about men going on to have more children with other women, some posters tried to defend it but here we have a clear example of how deeply it can affect the children from the first marriage.
Anyhow, it isn’t the bride & groom’s fault.
Make a decision now and stick to it.
Either go and suck it up. Or decline the invite and get on with life.
The real issue here is the damage caused by the dh’s parent and all the bad feelings which have been brought to the surface.
Op- I would leave this in your dh’s court, let him decide, but don’t leave it long, the B& G should be told straight away if you don’t intend going.

I think you might be confused as to how blood relations work if you think divorce means someone is no longer family. Especially as DH is weeks older than this cousin and grew up incredibly close. And have been close as adults as well.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 15/10/2024 06:40

Have you looked into alternative accommodation? Is there anything reasonable nearby? Would it mean paying for a taxi too? If it suddenly became very expensive then yes I'd cancel. They're asking alot from guests already. I wouldn't spend that much on a wedding.

lololulu · 15/10/2024 06:50

I thought this would have been picked up by the DM by now and deleted.

OnaBegonia · 15/10/2024 06:51

@Beautiful3
OP states nearby accommodation is £250pn
I'd be giving it a miss, 3 days off and the cost, what a faff

flyingeffs · 15/10/2024 06:55

Edingril · 15/10/2024 05:59

I get saying no from the start that is understandable but saying no now seems childish to be honest, it is not your wedding

OP should read her own posts again, maybe then she’d know it’s not her own wedding. 🙄

Onlyvisiting · 15/10/2024 07:00

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:19

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

If I was your DH I would be hurt and offended. And I understand why you would be happy not to go after this, however it is HIS family, the decision to cancel has to come from him imo. Yes you are free to say for yourself that you don't want to go, but you shouldn't be making his decision for him. And if he does choose to suck it up and go anyway to maintain the family connection he does have then I'd want to go and support him if it was me.
If you pressure him to cancel and it ends up causing a rift which he regrets then you would be to blame, if it was me I wouldn't want that level of responsibility!

Basically I would take a step back and let him make his own choice regarding his family.

(I mean, if it was me I'd have declined in the first place, social anxious total introvert, big fancy destination wedding sounds like hell on earth to me and I think choosing to marry so far from all your family and making it a multi day event is pretty selfish.
But me being a miserable git isn't really the point 😆)

sunights · 15/10/2024 07:03

OP 74% Inc me say YANBU

Ignore the "advice givers" who seem to be trying to make you feel bad, un-RSVP saying you are very sorry thay it is no longer practical for you to attend but wish them a lovely day, and get on with planning something lovely to do as a family with the £s you'll save by not travelling.

Genevive24 · 15/10/2024 07:06

I understand the initial disappointment at finding out that you are not among the ‘top 50%’ of cousins, but to take the huff about it is a little childish in my opinion.
Just because you’re not the favourite cousin doesn’t mean you’re not wanted or valued. They still invited you. There are a finite number of rooms after all and actually for all you know they tossed a coin to decide who to offer them to. It doesn’t necessarily follow that they don’t care about you being there.
I’m sure there are tonnes of friends that the married couple very much hope will be there, but who aren’t offered any of the family rooms.
If you liked the idea enough to shell out £500 in the first place, I think it’s worth still going. Just give yourself time to digest your disgruntlement and then move on.

HollyKnight · 15/10/2024 07:07

SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 06:31

I think you might be confused as to how blood relations work if you think divorce means someone is no longer family. Especially as DH is weeks older than this cousin and grew up incredibly close. And have been close as adults as well.

Show quote history

That's why your DH was invited to the wedding. The room allocation stuff is more likely due to FIL and wife being their parent's brother and SIL and so their children are seen as part of them. As sad as it is, your DH and sister did not grow up in that family unit and that is why they are treated differently. Not less close. Not less imporant. Just differently. It's what happens when families split.

It's not your DH's fault, but nor is it anyone else's in the extended family. If your DH feels rejected because of his father, that's who he should be taking this out on.

NashvilleQueen · 15/10/2024 07:19

Maybe DH isn't the reason you've not been included ...

Honestly OP whatever happens now you're clearly not going to enjoy it because of your seething resentment so best to cancel your plans.

Also you can't un-RSVP. What you're proposing is cancelling having previously said you'll attend.

Hunnymonster1 · 15/10/2024 07:39

I have read this thread and you are right. You should cancel as I think if they wanted to marry in Scotland then those that are getting accomodation on site with transport should be only ones to attend as its not fair to make others fork out more.
And as your updates suggest about the structure of the family in truth yes they are closer to the ones with accomodation and prob only invited you and your husband out of necessity
So that being said I think uiu could just be polite and decline the invite if you wish to be truthful on the reason that's on u

GoldenNuggets08 · 15/10/2024 07:40

I'm not going to give my opinion on this OP because there is absolutely no point. 15 pages of you repeating the same story over and over and over again. You've clearly made your mind up that they are wrong and you are right so just decline the invite!

Drfosters · 15/10/2024 07:41

i think your cousin is being very mean tbh. I understand where you are coming from. The rule is to keep all classes of guests the same. If one cousin got family accommodation the others should (unless everyone knows there was a reason to treat them differently such as they see each other all the time rather than once a year). It seems you think you had the same relationship with the cousin so should have been treated the same.

id honestly decline politely and say thank you for the offer but the time and accommodation cost is too high. We would have appreciated staying in the family accommodation with the rest of the family and unsure why we were excluded but the result it it makes the trip too expensive and difficult.

Apolloneuro · 15/10/2024 08:18

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/10/2024 21:04

Good luck having a 'bloody good time' if she has to sit around stone cold sober as the designated driver, because she doesn't have on-site accommodation.

The more I think of it, the more I'd bin this one. Send a card.

Show quote history

The invitation was accepted knowing the OP would have to drive. Where the cousins stay is irrelevant to that.

Taking offence is, to some extent, a choice. If the OP and her husband were happy to go, it’s not a requirement to now throw their toys out of the pram.

Cancel if you feel strongly that you've been aggrieved. There will be consequences to that choice, but you may feel that you don’t care if there are.

Or, stick with your plan and go and enjoy yourself. Responses to hurt feelings don’t always have to be nuclear level.

cooldarkroom · 15/10/2024 08:33

I would think the Groom's Dad /Mother has said your FIL should be lodged in the castle, (being older generation & his/her brother), along with his 2nd closer "family".
Its not necessarily the groom's precise choice.

Yes your H comes after the 2nd family, but he cant change that.

Marriages are full of parental influences & politics

Isthisreasonable · 15/10/2024 08:39

It was only a duty invite. Decline using the suggested wording. Use the money to visit the elderly relatives over the winter. They'll appreciate you visiting and the B&G get to reduce their catering costs. Win win.