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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To un-RSVP to this wedding?

480 replies

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:19

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 14/10/2024 13:01

YANBU - I would not take 3 days annual leave and all those costs for a wedding - just not something I could priotise over an actual holiday - but everyone is different!

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:05

pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 13:01

But should they not have given any rooms to that sibling set because they couldn't give all the siblings rooms? I have a LOT of cousins most weddings our whole family aren't invited just the cousins who are closer.

Is it possible the bride/ groom is closer to those cousins and does want to ensure they come. But also likes your DH (to a lesser degree) and wants him to come so invited him?

I know I have cousins who I get on great with and others who I do like but just don't know as well

Show quote history

Of course it’s possible they’re closer to DHs step sister and brother. That’s entirely the point. They’ve cherry picked who they want. If they don’t really care too much about us going im a bit miffed at paying so much and taking so much time off work to attend.

If It was in the church down the road on a Saturday I’d go no problem. It’s all the extra effort we need to put in that’s annoying me since it’s clear they’re not all that fussed.

OP posts:
JaneAustensLife · 14/10/2024 13:06

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging

Yep, that is exactly what they have done. Nasty and divisive.

Notwhatuwanttohear · 14/10/2024 13:06

Miles too much effort and expense for a cousin.

The offering of rooms to some is just the icing on the cake.

I wouldn't be going.

DragonGypsyDoris · 14/10/2024 13:08

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:19

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

I wouldn't go anyway. Too long, too far, too expensive. BTW, the school holiday around Easter is not 'half term'.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/10/2024 13:09

' there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Do you / your DH actually want to see these family members ?
otherwise it doesn't matter one jot to you if this is the last big family celebration they go to...

Catza · 14/10/2024 13:10

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:47

We asked last week and were told all rooms were allocated when booking so no other rooms free. Which is fine but to then find out they’ve cherry picked 2 of 4 siblings is a bit shitty

Show quote history

But if there were only three rooms and one of them was given to FIL, I see no other option but to leave two of the 4 siblings out. Can you?
In these circumstances, it is probably better to leave out the people who are more likely to handle this with grace. Are the other siblings generally PITA?

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2024 13:12

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:51

That’s definitely it. For DH he has always felt left out growing up, and since becoming an adult this is the first time this feeling has cropped up again for him, and for me I’m annoyed as I can see how hurt he is. Plus am pissed off about having to go through so much inconvenience for someone who doesn’t really care if we attend or not.

as let’s face is, the rooms are allocated to people they want to ensure come. The fact a step cousin makes the cut is rubbing salt in the wound a bit.

Show quote history

Who's the other left out one?

Are they actually closer? Closer in age?

Do they see them socially? As friends?

AlleeBee · 14/10/2024 13:12

You are being unreasonable to call the Easter holidays "half term".

Notagain24 · 14/10/2024 13:12

The pointless travel for everyone attending would really put me off, and having to take that much leave, and no kids at a family event, never mind the crazy cost of the accommodation. I don't think i'd go - they're not concerned about their guests comfort, so why should you be that bothered about being at their wedding.

It's definately plenty of notice to say you won't be able to make it after all - you can explain that childcare is too difficult to arrange, or that you don't have enough leave, or the cost of travel and accommodation just doesn't fit into your budget.

Gymmum82 · 14/10/2024 13:13

Perhaps they allocated the rooms based on who they are closest to? I’m definitely closer to one of my cousins than my sister for example.
If there were a choice of me or her attending an event I would be surprised if they chose her over me. It’s not that they don’t like her. Just that we generally spend more time together

widelegenes · 14/10/2024 13:14

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms.

I think I'm missing something because no one else has mentioned this.
If there are 50 rooms, surely there are enough for immediate family (grandparents, parents, siblings) and then the next layer (cousins and aunts)?

SJM1988 · 14/10/2024 13:14

I think you are reading to much into it.
They had an allocation of rooms which clearly wasn't enough for everyone. They had to draw a line somewhere. I wouldn't take it as they don't want you there as much as other family members/friends.

Do you and the other cousin not allocated room have kids but the ones allocated don't ? (I think so from your posts) Its a child free wedding...maybe they thought you would make a little holiday of it and bring the kids for the non wedding days (with someone to look after them on the wedding day). They don't wants kids at the wedding so makes sense not to want them at the accommodation too. This would be my first thought in the same situation not jumping to them not liking you as much.

MummyJ36 · 14/10/2024 13:14

I do think in your position I’d feel annoyed. Is there anyone you could talk to (beyond the bridge and groom) to see why this has happened?

DustyAmuseAlien · 14/10/2024 13:15

Have you looked to see if there's anything reasonable in the area by way of a self-catering airbnb? Look on vrbo.com for good options. The bride and groom may be able to put you in touch with other people who didn't qualify for the affordable accommodation.
I think if you can't find anything for less than £175pn it's legitimate to send the message upthread about having to withdraw your acceptance due to lack of affordable accommodation. They can't be offended by that given that they made an active choice of who to include in the category of people who can attend more easily and cheaply.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/10/2024 13:16

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:05

Of course it’s possible they’re closer to DHs step sister and brother. That’s entirely the point. They’ve cherry picked who they want. If they don’t really care too much about us going im a bit miffed at paying so much and taking so much time off work to attend.

If It was in the church down the road on a Saturday I’d go no problem. It’s all the extra effort we need to put in that’s annoying me since it’s clear they’re not all that fussed.

Show quote history

The brother getting married being closer to their other siblings or cousins than you and DH doesn't mean they don't want you there it just means they are closer to them. Do you and DH make any effort to be closer and spend time with them?

If they have limited number of rooms then unfortunately someone was always going to be left out and it's your right to refuse to go but I think you may BU if you're not done to them and have not tried or even bothered to be close to them then you're upset they offered the room to the siblings they are closer to.

You mentioned that your DH feels he was always left out while growing up which suggests you're not really close to them as adults.

I do agree it's a lot to also for a wedding so if you don't want to go based on the stress and cost that's a valid position to take.

NZDreaming · 14/10/2024 13:17

@SaltySallyAnne is it possible the bride and groom allocated the rooms to the couples they presumed more likely to attend. If your DH and other sibling not included both have children to consider perhaps they thought there was less chance of you attending due to childcare?

Ultimately it’s clear to see why you’re hurt but they had a limited number of rooms. They could’ve excluded all cousins to make it fair but would then have had to allocate to even further distant family or friends. I doubt they intended to cause hurt and would’ve accommodated all siblings if were possible. Are the couple closer in age or have a closer relationship to the couple than your dh?

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:17

DragonGypsyDoris · 14/10/2024 13:08

I wouldn't go anyway. Too long, too far, too expensive. BTW, the school holiday around Easter is not 'half term'.

Show quote history

Ahh thank you on the half term bit! DD has only just started so I get a bit jumbled on which is a half term or a full term Grin

OP posts:
Whatsitreallylike · 14/10/2024 13:18

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 14/10/2024 12:34

This

Show quote history

I would do the same honestly. It’s an awful lot to expect of people anyway.

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:19

Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/10/2024 13:16

The brother getting married being closer to their other siblings or cousins than you and DH doesn't mean they don't want you there it just means they are closer to them. Do you and DH make any effort to be closer and spend time with them?

If they have limited number of rooms then unfortunately someone was always going to be left out and it's your right to refuse to go but I think you may BU if you're not done to them and have not tried or even bothered to be close to them then you're upset they offered the room to the siblings they are closer to.

You mentioned that your DH feels he was always left out while growing up which suggests you're not really close to them as adults.

I do agree it's a lot to also for a wedding so if you don't want to go based on the stress and cost that's a valid position to take.

Edited
Show quote history

Ok, they’re less fussed about us attending.

Which is the long and short of it. Paying £500+, 3 days off work and all that travel to attend the wedding when you’re a B guest

OP posts:
BrieHugger · 14/10/2024 13:20

I’d decline for me and suggest husband goes with the other sibling/s.

And then I’d pack him off with a sleeping bag to crash on someone’s floor.

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:21

DustyAmuseAlien · 14/10/2024 13:15

Have you looked to see if there's anything reasonable in the area by way of a self-catering airbnb? Look on vrbo.com for good options. The bride and groom may be able to put you in touch with other people who didn't qualify for the affordable accommodation.
I think if you can't find anything for less than £175pn it's legitimate to send the message upthread about having to withdraw your acceptance due to lack of affordable accommodation. They can't be offended by that given that they made an active choice of who to include in the category of people who can attend more easily and cheaply.

Thank you for this, I’ll ask DH to see if there are others struggling for accommodation. The only airbnb type places locally are large properties, so per night are more expensive but if we did share we could get it down a bit.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 14/10/2024 13:21

What a faff. I definitely wouldn't go, but I'd keep the annual leave and do something fabulous

Original poster
SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:22

AlleeBee · 14/10/2024 13:12

You are being unreasonable to call the Easter holidays "half term".

Sorry, DD only started school last month so not up to speed with the lingo

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/10/2024 13:23

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 13:19

Ok, they’re less fussed about us attending.

Which is the long and short of it. Paying £500+, 3 days off work and all that travel to attend the wedding when you’re a B guest

Show quote history

I get it but my point still remains your rsvp'd based on your current relationship so you can't get upset that they offered the room to people they are closer to.

I agree it's a lot to travel that far and pay that much but it would make sense if you decided not to go based on that but you're changing your mind now when you realize they offered the room to people they are closer to. Again if you're not close and haven't really tried to be close to them then I can see why they would offer the limited rooms to people they are close to.

If you feel so strongly about it speak to your DH to get him to agree not to go and you can use the excuse of not being able to find affordable accomodations or childcare or something.

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