To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

I'm heavily on the side of you being unreasonable.

In this scenario where there are a limited number of rooms, the couple obviously are within their rights to offer those rooms to who they want. They may have thought you wouldn't come because you have a child and it's a long way from home and wouldn't be able to get childcare. Just like the other sibling who wasn't offered a room. So why offer a room knowing high chance it will be rejected? Creating more work to then invite another sibling. Also, they might assume you don't want to party late on into the night and that's their plan back in the accommodation. And they invited those they knew would want that to stay there.
If they did a 'there's 2 rooms free anyone can have them' then they run the risk of anyone else booking them when really they only live 20 minutes away and are only coming for the evening.
Maybe they are closer to other cousins. So what? Are you equally close to everyone you invited to your wedding? Should they only invite as many people as there are rooms for?

If you want to have a rule that you only attend weddings where you are the VIP guests and you're in the couple's inner circle then fine. But Its ridiculous to kick up a fuss, possibly risk causing family arguments and divides just because someone was offered a cheaper room than you. Even though you admitted you can comfortably afford it.

Thanks, I missed that. Gosh that's alot of money. I'd give the wedding a miss, based on that alone.

Totally agree with wrongpennies. Op do you not have people you are closer to than others who you also like? It boggles my mind that this enrages you so much! You definitely shouldn’t go because you are so angry you won’t be able to keep it in.

OP was perfectly happy to pay that when she accepted the invite! It's only now that she's starting to have an issue with it.

Because she thought everyone was paying it! I’d be a bit offended myself if I found out that the family expected me to pay an extra £500 to attend but not my siblings.

Yeah, this.

What are you getting out of this thread aside arguing back and forth with people.

The decision lies with you and your DH so you guys decide what you want to do and don't and stop all this unnecessary back and forth on mumsnet.

If you decide not to go that's fine, you have lots of valid reasons for it and if you decide to still go then go.

Also try to think how you will feel at the time when the rest of them go and have a lovely bonding time and you have self excluded?

Of course I do. Not sure what is so baffling about this situation. Thankfully some posters on here are of sound mind and can understand.

This is actually amusing to read someone so confidently incorrect.

I’ve never said I only want to attend weddings when I’m a VIP. What I have said is this wedding is a triple threat of inconvenience and going to cost a lot. Most people would only jump through those hoops for couples they’re very close to, which I thought we were.

Might start a go fund me for reading comprehension lessons across MN

I'd hazard a guess from the tone of your replies to people answering the question you asked... perhaps you're the reason you were not offered a room?

We had a glut of weddings but 20 odd years on not been to one for years - honestly make the most of the wedding years as they don’t last.

I like OP’s style!

OP you and your dh must do what seems best to you.

But nothing has changed. Your H obviously cared enough about the couple to want to attend initially. They were important to him. Why does that exact level of importance need to be reciprocated for attending the wedding to be worthwhile?

I have a few close friends. A busy life, family and work commitments. Some of my close friends have a far bigger social circle, and so presumably I am less important on an individual level to them than they are to me. What matters is how I feel about them, how much I care etc, not whether that specific level of importance is reciprocated.

I think your snipey replies are showing your character OP. You’re overreacting, but will not hear it.

Any chance the couple find you a bit difficult?

Nah, but nice try people posting idiotic comments will typically get snarky replies.

Nothing has changed? Jesus wept

People showing themselves up deserve snippy replies.

imagine not reading something properly and judging someone for your made up interpretation of what they said - laughable really

You’re deliberately misunderstanding what I’m saying. Why does your H suddenly care less about the couple? Why does the level of perceived “closeness” need to be the same on both sides for him to want to attend? Either the couple mean enough to him/both of you to want to attend, or they don’t.

And me! She doesn't get upset about shitty comments but just responds in the same tone.

To be fair to OP, she has explained this numerous times.

You might not agree with her reasoning, but she has explained it in detail.

But something has changed! The OP and her DH weren't offered the cheaper on-site rooms, despite her DH seemingly being closer to the groom than his half-brother and step-brother. It has made OP and her DH rethink the closeness of the relationship. The using annual leave, high cost of travel/accommodation and the inconvenience of leaving their child at home seemed worth it when DH felt close to and valued by his cousin. Now it doesn't.

@SaltySallyAnne out of interest, do you know how many guests are attending the wedding? How many are in the same boat as you and didn't get picked for the accomm?

Reciprocity is fundamental to the success of sustaining most healthy relationships

Maybe you are unusual in that you don't seek it.
Be careful, this isn't a good thing, people who invest in relationships without expecting reciprocity often lay themsleves open to abuse or adopting a martyr role which leads to a very unhealthy dynamic.

Reciprocity is a healthy boundary.

I think the OP has been pretty clear about it tbh.

her husband doesn’t suddenly care less about the couple. They were not very happy with the time and the huge cost to start with but it’s family and sometimes you have to suck this stuff up. The important family to the bride and groom have been accommodated for free/cheaply without any transport issues. As with any wedding party those are the top important people to the B&g. Most wedding have this. Usually it’s mums and dads, grandma and gramps, siblings and the best man, MoH etc. the B &G have included 2 cousins in this and excluded the other 2. Basically telling them that they don’t consider them close enough to be considered close family and think it is reasonable for them to spend the best part of a grand (in terms of money and holiday time) to get there.

if all the cousins were in the same boat you could understand that they drew the line at immediate family. But they didn’t. I’d be quite upset about it too tbh. When I got married I invited my cousins. When one of them got married they had a very small wedding with about 20 guests. I wasn’t invited but totally understood why as we don’t see each other much. My parents were however but My sibling wasn’t invited either. I’d have been quite upset if my parents and my sibling had been invited and I wasn’t.

whether the Op and her husband goes though is a personal decision. I think personally if it were me I’d respectfully decline just on cost and hassle.