To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

I totally get why your DP is upset.
I don’t think I would bother going, not for that amount of inconvenience and cost.

Surely it would have been better to advise anyone needing a room that there were only so many available and to book if needed.
I think you’re going to be resentful over it either way now but if hubby wants to go you really have no choice, or you don’t go, tell them you won’t be going and spend the money on a break away with your own family.

The only question that needs answering is “ do you want to attend the wedding of this couple” if yes go and enjoy it. If not then don’t go. You don’t need to explain yourself to them, you simply need to say you regret that you are I longer able to attend.

Perfect and totally acceptable.

Seems they're closer to the people rather than they don't care if you attend.

Nothing wrong with that. Go and support them, see other relatives, enjoy yourselves and not think too much about it.

I'm closer to my cousin and best friend more than my own sister. Relationships are complex.

'I'm closer to my cousin and best friend more than my own sister. Relationships are complex.'

Yes and that is fine. However, when it comes to an event you shouldn't give your favourites concessions. It is just bad manners. Would you for example host an event and give your bff and cousin nice convenient and cheap accommodation whilst telling your sister to sort herself out?

Tbh if someone invited me who lived down South with a small child and full time job to a child free wedding in a remote area of Scotland, on Thursday I would assume they’re not so keen on my presence. After finding out that my child free siblings were given much cheaper and convenient accommodation on site whereas I’d have to pay much more and struggle with travelling my assumption would be cemented.
I absolutely understand your feelings OP, the happy couple was not very accommodating towards you.
However I would try to be more practical in communication with the couple. Yes you wanted to come and excitedly said yes but there’s a problem with accommodation unfortunately so it’s now not feasible. I think it’s ok to decline now as there is still time before Easter but you need to be quick in doing this.

Your DH might be wrong about family politics by the way, it might be that mother of the groom? are friends with your MIL and it’s affected distribution of rooms especially if parents are contributing towards the cost.

many weddings one looks at the location and things "oh that will be okay" and then when coming to book trains/hotels/check route to venue realise that actually there are NO cheap options, or its on say a RUGBY weekend, all trains sold out 8 weeks out.
so saying yes 6 months ahead and then changing mind seems fine - surely RSVPS should be in1-2 months ahead? not 6 months. you could be pregnant again by then? or people change partners/jobs/lose them,

Would you not rather use your AL to spend time with your daughter?

Exactly. How can people still be talking about this! Go, don’t go, no-one cares! They’re still going to get married whether you’re there or not!

I was thinking the same - on and on and on and a bit combative. What did you want people to say OP?

Has your husband spoken to his parents they may think you could afford to stay elsewhere and the brother etc have less money maybe ? 🤔

The OP hasn’t replied since midday yesterday…it isn’t her dragging this out!

You keep saying people haven't read what you've written just because they disagree with your and your DH's emotional reaction. They, and I, have read what you've written - we're just suggesting that the way you evaluate your relationships with someone shouldn't be based on how many people they are closer to than you - they should be based on the quality of your own relationship with them which is its own distinct thing and sounds like it is really good. Being friends/family with someone isn't a "competition" versus everyone else they are friends/family with - and that is effectively what you are both treating it as.

As someone who grew up in a family where my father remarried after my mother died and had 2 further kids that their mother worked hard to make the "special children" versus me and my siblings, I do understand what this probably stems from. However, its a super unhealthy way to view the world and I and my full siblings managed despite the situation to not view our relationship with our half siblings through that lens even as teenagers because we recognised how wrong it was, nevermind as adults and with other relationships.

You’re not obliged to go and it’s perfectly reasonable to sit out a pricey wedding on the basis of cost.

I do think that the “cherry picking 2 out of 4 siblings” probably feels more personal than it actually is; do they leave accommodation sitting empty simply because there’s not enough for all of you, or just choose people and offer it to them?

In your shoes I would stay at home with your child and see if there are other relatives your husband can travel up with, it may be possible to see if they can share accommodation.
I didn’t attend the last family wedding on my DH side because it was a good few hours travelling time and no children allowed.
We didn’t have anyone to look after our children for the few days it would have taken so DH transported up his parents etc and stayed in a premier inn about 30-40 min drive from the venue as it was cheaper a little further away.
It meant he still went to socialise with family members not seen very often, but it kept the costs/organisation faff to a minimum as only himself to sort out.

OP, ignore the people crawling out the cesspit trying to turn this into something it
isn't.
Happens on every single thread now.

Do you think there's a chance you wasnt offered a room as you have children and may drop out?

Either way, I'd feel the same way and drop out, life's too short.

Fifty rooms and there's not one for you?

How many people are attending this wedding 😱

They perhaps have more fun times with the people who have been offered the rooms. I think you should have looked at room costs before you accepted . That aside if you don’t want to go just send a letter have a lovely day sadly we are no longer to attend, no dramas.
You may already be disliked by the bride and groom, if not you are going a good way about showing yourself up.

YANBU at all: all that inconvenience for people who don't care? Absolutely not.
Plus, I hate "children free" weddings: can you imagine a wedding where "over 60 years old not allowed"? We'd find it barbaric. But with children, who cares, right?

Children are not, socially, the same as adults.

They don't have comparable responsibilities, they don't have comprable skills and abilities, and they don't have comparable rights and privileges.

There's a reason that every society and culture since the dawn of humankind has developed rites of passage that distinguish children from adults. Because they are not equal.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with people preferring activities that do not include these junior members of society. It's not remotely the same as excluding adults with a particular characteristic.

To be honest I think if people want to get married at a venue that is hundreds of miles away that can't accommodate all the guests they can't be surprised if people say no. If you WANT people to come, you make it as easy as possible and not prohibitively expensive. A Scottish castle may be their dream wedding but it's going to be awful logistics wise for people. I don't like weddings so I would be a 'no' from the off, to make it really difficult and expensive for those that don't make the cut of getting a room at the venue would make that decision even easier. I would begrudge the accommodation costs let alone the outfits, travel and booking of annual leave.

What are you talking about? I respectfully disagree and think your arguments don't make sense. This is highly cultural specific, nothing to do with universal rites of passage. Weddings are family celebrations: why would you exclude children from them?
Anyway, I didn't want to derail this thread so I'll get myself out of here 😬👍

If your replies are anything to go by then they’d be better off you declining. You’ve been rude to anyone that hasn’t given you the reply you want.
we had to cut our wedding list considerably due to Covid restrictions but luckily everyone was very understanding and no one took the hump because they weren’t “the favourite” . We had to cut some cousins and everyone was absolutely fine as we are all grown ups. How do you know they didn’t put names in a hat for example so it was fair?
you clearly don’t want to go so don’t simple as that really isn’t it?

The op has given as good as she got, she had lots of snippy posts I think she's been very polite tbh. She hasn't posted for 3 days now anyway.

Reducing numbers for covid is entirely different to allocating 50 rooms to your favourites whilst letting others travel the length of the country and then have to fork out for expensive accommodation 30miles away.