To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

[Milesandmilesandmiles]

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

Why doesn’t he do anything around the house?

They’re not stupid, they see he’s lazy and they’re right. Why is he incapable of contributing to his household? You can’t expect the kids to do his share and not complain, frankly. He needs to set an example. Are your kids DD or DS, out of interest?

Because he has a ‘big job’ and doesn’t have time, or thinks it is for someone else to do (like me, the cleaner or the teenagers!)

Do you personally feel that the balance of duties is off in your relationship, or are the teenagers not privy to everything DH does (I.e. primary earner, does most of the driving and maintaining the car, responsible for all the DIY and home improvement/maintainance, leg work outside the home for kids stuff)?

One of each. Equal amount of push back from both!

This.

My father was the same, always expected me to clean the house, but didn't do any cleaning himself. I didn't mind too much, helping out (hoovering, cleaning both bathrooms, polishing the stairs and kitchen cupboards), but it got a bit much when I moved into my own house, and he (they) would want me to go around at the weekend to clean their house. I worked full-time and had my own house to clean!!

They can see your husband is a lazy fucker, so it will be grating on them. He needs to pull his weight too.

Is he the only one that goes out to work?

Personally I feel the balance is off, as I also work FT and am a high earner (although I earn less than him). He will do things with the kids but just not the housework 😬

No, I work FT (or near FT) and also earn a decent amount. We do have a cleaner but that obviously doesn’t help with the meal planning, shopping, cooking, washing, kids admin and general day to day tidying up

By "big job" does he mean big salary? It's the hours someone is working that defines a big job.

My DH has a "big job" but he still manages to empty the dishwasher when he gets up , puts bins out when needed and puts clean bedding on when he sees I've washed and dried it plus lots of other household stuff including cooking. He isn't setting a good example to your teens and they can see it.

If you both work similar hours, you should both also spend a similar amount of your non-work time doing household work. He sounds really selfish and entitled. If you’re a couple you should function as a team, everyone pulls their weight.

You should be focussing on getting him to pull is weight rather than whether the kids should or shouldn't. The kids should and he should. Otherwise you'll be doing it all.

I agree with the kids. Your DH is lazy. My DH was CEO of a FTSE Top 100 company, and he still emptied the dishwasher and did all the ironing. You are not his skivvy, and nor are your children. If he doesn’t model good behaviour, your boys will grow up thinking it’s a woman’s job to run around after them.

It sounds like you need to shake the house up and get them all involved.

I’m sick of death of men and their excuses and women playing along to them.
So what if he has a job. He can do a food shop, wash the dishes and hoover too. As women we all have to juggle it all so why shouldn’t they.

They're right aren't they because they can see he's not pulling his weight and that would piss me off too.

Time for a family meeting and a rota.

I mean to take one positive out of this, you've raised smart kids who hopefully won't put up with this nonsense from future partners!

Have you read 'Fair Play' or read any posts about it? It is an interesting take on the division of labour. One of the take aways for me was that no one gets to opt out of the necessary drudgery of life unilaterally.
The boring crap that needs to be done everyday needs to be shared in ways that are equitable if not equal. The teens are just seeing that he is getting to opt out, and quite rightly pointing out that it is unfair.
And you are in the middle and have to decide if it worth discussing and finding solutions as a family, or if it easier to just trundle along as is, with you, inevitably picking up the slack.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

It sounds like they are fine doing chores when you ask, but simply not when he does, which is fair enough.

If he can't be arsed to set an example, then it's reasonable to expect that kind of pushback.

You're instilling good habits and teaching them essential life skills so that they don't end up helpless like their father - when they live on their own, they won't want to live in the dysfunction they had to cope with when you were away, so that should be their motivation for not wanting to follow in their father's footsteps.

Absolutely unbelievable. My DH does considerably more than that (more than 0..) and I'm a SAHM at the moment.

Tell your OH that respect has to be earned. I’m with the kids on this. He should lead by example.

Yes, your teenagers have a point. You obviously have a dh problem, and if you don’t want to live with it, you’ll need to point out to him that he needs to step up.

I've never paid my kids to do stuff. We all work as a team and that means all looking after the house together. Dh is just part of the team so does his fair share. We don't have a cleaner either. Your dh sounds a bit lazy as with a cleaner surely there's not a huge amount to do?

I say this to my husband all the time. He has to model the behaviour he wants. Bit hypocritical to tell them to do house jobs if he’s not doing it as well! Also says a lot about how the husband views your role!

You were in hospital - shame on him.
Mr Important. - not.