To think that maybe the teenagers have a point?

[Milesandmilesandmiles]

Two teenagers in the house. Both fairly well behaved as teenagers go, but a fair amount of push back on doing chores. They are asked to do the dishwasher, to take out the recycling and tidy their rooms. Sometimes help bring the shopping in or other ad hoc task, nothing heavy duty as we have a cleaner. For each chore they get 50p pocket money top up.

However, the push back has escalated. They are fine with me but if DH asks them to do anything they say ‘why don’t you do it’ or ‘when was the last time you did the dishwasher’. DH thinks this is rude and disrespectful which I agree with to a point.

However, the thing is, DH does virtually nothing round the house. I was recently admitted to hospital for a few days and came back to find that there was no food shopping done, plates and cups all over the side, recycling on the floor, no washing done etc etc.

So - is it fair to expect teenagers to do chores gracefully when their father does not?

It's great that they're pushing back against your misogynistic example of a marriage. It would be awful if they thought it was acceptable and normal for a man to treat his wife as domestic servant.

Yep. They’re bang on. He should be doing these things too.

Well if he doesn’t want to do any everyday chores he must pay for a housekeeper.Someone who comes every weekday and does it on his behalf.Perhaps when hard cash is involved he may shape up but I doubt it.Your DC are great and so right.Act today.Good luck with Mr so important..

I remember being the same when I was younger. My mum would ask me to do something and sometimes I would tell her to ask her partner to do it. He was/still is a real lazy fucker, and it used to annoy me that he would get away with it and just sit on his arse.

It's good that the kids are pushing back on that.

Yep teens are right!

I remember seething as a teenager as my dad did nothing at all around the house but would be on at me to do stuff. I did it anyway to help my mum out and because I lived there too, but even now remembering is annoying me.

They are right and he needs to stop being so lazy and set a good example.

They are not being unreasonable.

i think you should all go on strike against ‘D’H personally. He couldn’t do his ‘big job’ without the unpaid labour of a woman aka his wife picking up the gaps eg feeding the children, having food in the house, cleaning the house. I

this is such a depressingly common situation. Tell your DH you won’t be doing it and nor will DC unless he does. Or he pays you to reduce hours and cover it (including pension)? If that’s what you’d like.

what sort of mess would he live in if alone? No wonder statistically men have better life expectancy when married but women don’t, and have more free time when single. We marry in to unpaid servitude. Ick.

Are you not gearing up for divorce after returning from hospital to a display of utter contempt?
I wouldn't even trash the house of someone I despise, nevermind my spouse, who I vowed to cherish.

of course they have a point they are happy to help you but why should they do it for him when he doesn’t particularly given you work full time, they do school and he literally just works
The balance is off it needs to be divided amongst all 4 of you

Your husband’s contribution to the household in terms of chores is between you and him. He should be doing more but your children shouldn’t be part of that conversation. How much are they contributing to the household finances?

I think the way they speak to their father is appalling but it seems rather normal behaviour for young people around here. It suits you now to have them in your corner, helping you fight their father on this issue, but when they have a dispute with you and feel you aren’t being fair to them, they will likely treat you with the same disrespect.

Then again, maybe it won’t be too much of a shock for you because of the general low expected standards of behaviour for teenagers.

Your teenagers are sensible and intelligent. In your position I'd openly agree with them. Your dh is very unreasonable expecting them to act respectful when he tells them to do things he won't. They likely have more important things to do than him - learning and revising that will affect their whole future.

Good on your kids. I despise men like your husband.

this is just a classic example of him setting a terrible example.

However highly he is paid - he can do the goddamn dishes surely? It's just gross leaving mess around for others - if he kept his mess tidy as he went along and took responsibility for keeping shared spaces clean then the teens would be taught what good standards are in family life.

'women and kids can clean ' - great message from him.

He's setting a poor example. And the fact is they are telling the truth, so what can he say?

I guess you could say 'don't do what he does, take inspiration from me as the dynamic super parent around here. Your dad's a lazy git.
But you still have to do the dishwasher!'

I can't see why your husband can't pull his weight also but I presume he's been enabled for a long time to get away with it.

#TeamTeen here. He should be helping out around the house. He's not helpless, he just thinks it's beneath him to do it. You aren't servants.

They’re not wrong to call him out if he does sod all.

When I was a child, my dad did nothing. I remember a few horrible moments like one time he left the sink covered in hairs after shaving, and my mum had only just cleaned the bathroom. She asked him to go and clean it up and he replied with, “Don’t tell me to do women’s work.”
And I remember another time when he was building some furniture but not reading the instructions so was doing it wrong. My mum corrected him and he said “Don’t tell me what to do.”
I’m sure there were a lot more moments, I don’t have specific memories but just that general feeling of being raised like that. I don’t like him much now.

But he only she daughters. And he expected a lot of us in school, never asked how we were doing because he would only ever asked how school was going and what we’re out homework scores looking like etc.

He, of course, ordered us about to do chores and I remember once being around 14 and yelling at him over homework and chores and I said something like, “What’s the point in me doing all this studying when you’ve spend my life saying women’s work is cooking and cleaning.” Then I said I’d do fuck all to help round the house until he did.

My mum went through me for that, for being rude and disrespectful and not doing as I was told etc. I don’t like her much either really.

Maybe look at the way your children are being influence by the main male figure in their life refusing to clean, but demanding that they do it. And maybe be a better parent and sort that out? Before they hate you too.

I agree with your teens.

We share jobs (2 adults and 2 teens) and don’t top up pocket money because it is part of living in a house- everyone has jobs to do.

as far as we’re concerned the kids have the job of studying (at school and homework) - we ask them to do more around the house during school holidays and share equally in term time.

In my opinion with 2 FT working adults and 2 teenagers in a house chores should be split fairly evenly between the parents and DC. Especially if you have a cleaner to do the bulk of it.

I would also stop paying them to do chores, emptying the dishwasher is bare minimum and should be done because they live and eat in the house not because they get money.

Your teenagers have spotted an issue with your DH not pulling his weight and they are right to point it out.
Doing the dishwasher takes a few minutes of course he has time to do it!

All very interesting food for thought here thank you!

I know he will never up his game housework wise. His bottom line is that the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it. I am about to stop doing his washing as maybe eventually he will notice that…

They absolutely do have a point no the way they all left the house for you to come out of hospital to is appalling and very hurtful.
I think you and he need to talk it through before setting expectations (which are very reasonable) on your teenagers.

Basically he's slacking and they've noticed but that leaves everything to you

Wow. Well… good choice for a husband and father I guess. Hope the teens turn out better than their dad.

Your husband has a 'big job' huh?

Well, maybe I'll get out the big violin rather than the tiny one I was about to play for him, poor diddums.

You are a team of four; you should all do your bit, equally, to ensure the household runs smoothly.

You even have a cleaner, so it will be a lot less than most teams of four have to do.

Please stop doing his washing.

Also “His bottom line is that the mess doesn’t bother him so he doesn’t see why he should do anything about it.”

Fine if you live by yourself. If you are part of a household you tidy up your mess.

I was going to say he sounds like a lazy teenager but that is an insult to teens tbh.